[Culture] IRKSWATCH -- STINKS AND BANGS

[Benseraglio2]

STINKS AND BANGS: LEARNING ABOUT SMELLING     I went in for my regular appointment with my neurolinguist and to my surprise she didnât immediately clamp the electrodes on my head. Instead she invited me to sit down in the comfy chair and offered me a drink.   âGee, will this be extra?â I wondered.   âNo, no,â she assured me. âItâs on the house.â   âWow,â I said, a little suspiciously. âThatâs so unlike you.â   âWell, weâve been working hard, and I thought we should take a break,â she said, handing me a gin and tonic.   I quaffed.   âTake a whiff of that,â she said, looking at me eagerly. âSmell the quinine?â   âYeah, I guess I can. Never really thought about the quinine. Are you going to have one too? I hate drinking alone.â   âNo, Iâm okay. I just want you to relax.â   I glanced at her speculatively. âSo, what do you have up your sleeve?â   âHee,â she replied, âmy armpit. Here, take a whiff.â   âI beg your pardon?â   âGo ahead, itâs alright.â   I gave her a searching look, wondering if she had suddenly turned loony.   âLook, first have another drink. Hereâs a nice mint julep. Just take a deep whiff of that mint.â   I sampled the drink cautiously, but it tasted fine, and actually did smell nice and minty. I started to relax.   âSo, whatâs up with the armpit? Doing a new study?â   âYou guessed it. Actually, I just got a new grant from DARPA to do olfactory research. Theyâre working on a robot that recognizes human odors, in addition to voices and faces. It will be a giant step forward in the Big Fat War Against Terrorism, or B-FWAT, as the Army calls it.â   âHmm,â I said dubiously.   âHere, have another drink. Can you guess what this is, just by smelling it?â   âYeah,â I responded, more enthusiastically. âSouthern Comfort. Iâd know that odor anywhere.â   I drained my third drink somewhat more slowly.   âNow go ahead,â she said, a little impatiently. âWhiff my armpit.â   âNawww,â I said, slurring my words a bit. âIf I do that, youâll just smack me up against the side of the head.â   âI wonât! I promise! Itâs for research purposes only. Scoutâs honor!â   Dubiously I took a deep sniff of the proffered axilla.   âNot bad,â I said, a little surprised. âNew deodorant?â   âYeah, itâs environmentally sound,â she replied proudly. âNow the other one.â   âHoly shit. I hope nobody walks in and sees us. OK.â I took another lungful, snuffling a bit. âMan, that smells alright. Got any other bodily cavities you want me to examine? Heh.â   She smacked me up against the side of the head. âDown boy. Remember, this is for research purposes only. And our 50 minutes is up. Thatâll be two hundred bucks.â   âHey,â I protested. âYou said no extra charge.â   âThe drinks are free; Iâm just charging my normal fee for my time. Anyhow, next week Iâve got something really exciting â Iâm going to shoot you up with nitrous oxide and let you sniff a dozen different female pheromones. See if you distinguish them. Youâll love it. Byee.â   IRKSWATCH -- ESSAYS IN HONOR OF THE LECTURERS AT THE INSTITUTE FOR RESEARCH IN COGNITIVE SCIENCE (UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA) FRIDAY COLLOQUIUM SERIES   http://rossbender.org/irkswatch.html       Ross Bender http://rossbender.org