Stan Kegel
Fri, 29 Mar 2002 22:16:15 -0800
PUNS OF THE WEAK: For the Week Ending 03/29/02
IN THE NEWS:
Headline: "Cheney and Arafat Meeting in Limbo" I thought you had to be
dead to go there. (William Brabant)
Each cross dressing man should feel guilty
When covered from heels to the hilt he
Owes great debt to Berle
That homely old girl
Who hung out with my Uncle Miltie
(Gary Hallock)
In today's paper they list the new upcoming postage rates to take effect
in June. It will then cost 23 cents to put your two cents worth on a
penny postcard. (Syman Hirsch)
HOLIDAY PUNS:
Why do we wear shamrock on Saint Patrick's Day?
Because real rock is too heavy. (Tim Bruening)
Picture a nerdy looking man named Herbert sitting at the Passover seder
table. He speaks: "Why do I hafta sit at the kids' table? This stinks!!
This really stinks!!" Moral: No seder would be complete without the
bitter Herb. (Harry Reeder)
Leading medical authorities have published data that seder participants
should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated
that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver. (Ron Klar)
Why do we have a haggadah at Passover?
So that we can sedar right words. (Pierre Abbat)
Last night I went to the supermarket to buy matzoh, and saw something
new. It was Bran Matzoh. On the box was written, "Let My People Go."
(Ron Klar)
Passover could have been the inspiration for the song, "Seder, you with
the stars in your eyes." (Harvey Gordon)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
What type of doctor might make house calls to a seagull?
An In-tern-nest (Gary Hallock)
Why are handcuffs like cheap souvenirs?
They're both two wrist traps. (Stan Kegel)
What did the road worker say to the man who, not paying attention to
wherehe was going, stepped onto freshly asphalted pavement?
"Get off my tar, Mac" (Clynch Varnadore)
What do you call a pedicurist who's repeatedly nailed for shoplifting?
A Clip-Toe Maniac (Gary Hallock)
Miss Haste, who had the same first name as a famous fictional librarian,
sinned and was given a looooooong list of prayers and penances to atone
for her sins. She took her time working her way through them. What did
she do?
Marion Haste repent in leisure (Cynthia MacGregor)
This decade is the time of physical fitness and personal trainers.
Centers for aerobics, weight lifting and similar activities seem to be
opening on every corner, and sometimes even next door to each other. And
where in the past you could have expected stiff competition and hard
feelings, today, there is much more friendliness and cooperation with
everyone happy working together. In fact, this trend should make you
think of what actor?
Gym Neighbors (Stan Kegel)
What would you do if a store sold you rancid animal fat?
Sue it (Scott Ryan)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What is the golden rule for cattle?
Do unto udders as you would have udders do unto you. (Lederer &
Ertner)
A black bird with yellow trim walked into the Parrot's cocktail lounge
and ordered a drink. What did the bartender say?
I can't serve you. You're a mynah! (Ken Pinkham)
Why was Noah the world’s first financial advisor?
Because he floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.
(Lederer & Ertner)
Would you say Orville and Wilbur were Wright wingers?
No. They were just plane people. (M. Rose Pierce)
Why is milk the quickest drink?
Because it’s past your eyes before you can drink it. (Lederer &
Ertner)
DEFINITIONS:
Bull Ring: Where politicians throw their hats into. (Lederer & Ertner)
Yacatan: Nauseating light brown color (Stan Kegel)
Barbershop: A legal clip joint (M. Rose Pierce)
Giraffe: An animal in which a little food goes a long way (Leonard Fechtner)
Model: A new font for the letter "L" (Don Kirkman)
Hospit: Equine Saliva (M. Rose Pierce)
Bankrupsy: A fate worse than debt (M. Rose Pierce)
Catepillar: A soft scratching post for a cat. (Lederer & Ertner)
Forfeit: What most animals stand on (Leonard Fechtner)
Yearn: Liquid produced by the kidneys (Stan Kegel)
Yearn: Where they keep your ashes after cremation (Stan Kegel)
Yearn: Your current salary (Stan Kegel)
Gatorade: When an alligator gets on Welfare. (Lederer & Ertner)
Quorum - Alcoholic beverage often consumed after eating a pie with 4 and
20 blackbirds baked into it. (Gary Hallock)
Blue Laws: Laws that make Sunday a day of arrest. (M. Rose Pierce)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"I'm cleaning a pumpkin now," Tom ceded. (Scot Nelson)
"I was able to patch the hole in my pants," Tom said off the cuff. (Stan Kegel).
"Friday, I faced forty foreign felons forming fiendish forces," Tom
said effusively. (Megan Waves)
"The executioner has received the tool he needs,"said Tom with a heavy
accent. (Gill Krebs)
"Do you have an insect in your fig leaf ?" asked Eve adamantly (Gill Krebs).
"The Confederate General's daughter was adorable," Tom stated acutely.
(Stan Kegel)
"Annie, that rodent on the shelf stinks," Tom said pusillanimously. (Lou Stewart)
"I just returned from my rafting trip," blurted out Tom rapidly..
(Daniel Reihs)
My arteries are clear of any atherosclerotic plaques," Tom boasted
vainly. (Stan Kegel)
"Oh, this house tastes good!" said Hansel and Gretel, gingerly. (Gill Krebs)
"This table needs to be resanded," said Tom planely.. (Daniel Reihs)
"I fell through a window!" Tom said in pain. (Bobsie)
"The girlfriend is really pissed at me," cried Tom in Dutch. (Cybe R. Wizard)
"I washed her mouth with soap to stop her vulgar speech," Tom discussed.
(Stan Kegel)
"I don't live in Greece anymore," Tom said discretely.. (Daniel Reihs)
"Could you help me put my shoes on?" asked the little girl in Thai.
(Matt Gutting)
BLOOPERS:
We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was
closed for altercations. (Richard Lederer)
DiMaggio is back, back, back to the wall, his head hits it, it drops to
the ground, he picks it up and throws it to third. (Yankee broadcaster)
"Are you a natural born citizen of the United States?" "No, I was a
Caeserian." (Herb Shriner & contestant)
A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in ”I am loved.”
(Richard Lederer)
LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner is very worried, neutered and
declawed. (Bree Schultz)
Announcer: There's excitement tonight on our million dollar movie with
Ann Sheridan. Stay tuned as Phillip's Milk of Magnesia brings you "Woman
on the Run (Kermit Schafer)
At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year. (Bree Schultz)
In mediating the difference between the Arabs and the Israelis at the U.
N., Senator Austin Warren said, "Now lets all try to settle the problem
in a true Christian fashion. (Kermit Schafer)
When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal. (Bree Schultz)
POETRY
On the day of his wedding, the male
Should not peek at his bride, says the tale
So try as he might
To keep her in sight
It all really is to know a veil
(Gary Hallock)
Most movie monsters
Have little in common 'cept
As sordid features
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Pity Charlie Brown
Nearly fifty years stripping
Working for Peanuts
(Gary Hallock)
The least popular
Ag workers are grape pickers
They just wine and wine
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Agriculturists
Get pills to help their crops grow
From a pharm-assist.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
It seems stress creates
Temporal rifts and sew she
Makes a stitch in time
(Gary Hallock)
DAILIES:
I've A Beautiful Mind to Halle Berry not to seize her! Then we could
Denzel 'til we get to Washington. Ron, Howard we going to do that?
(Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
When neon lights were perfected the inventor was positively glowing.
(Pun of the Day)
Junior stopped playing with the marionette because he couldn’t “stand”
it. (Jumble)
To become a pilot requires a good altitude (Pun of the Day)
2 wrongs don't make a right, but 2 wrights make an airplane! (The Daily Groaner)
Old tightrope walkers never die, they just get high strung. (Pun of the Day)
When the washing machine broke down, Mother was left with agitation. (Jumble)
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. (Pun of the Day)
Help! The supply of pants is being depleated. (The Big Pun)
A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do. (Pun
of the Day)
When Junior took over the concrete business, Dad paved the way. (Jumble)
“Two Thousand Pounds” by Juan Ton (Joke A Day)
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper (Pun of the Day encore)
There was a family, Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and their baby. Who was the
biggest?
The baby. He was a little Bigger (The Daily Groaner)
An hourglass is a waist of time (Pun of the Day)
You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you! (Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
Old grave-diggers never die, they just get buried in their work. (Pun of
the Day)
When playing the tuba, it is easy to get wrapped up in it. (Jumble)
The plumber tried to dislodge the obstruction with a thick-soled shoe,
but he only succeed in clogging the drain. (The Big Pun)
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don't feed it! (The Daily Groaner)
A music store was robbed. The thief made away with the lute. (Pun of the Day)
When she returned to a mess, Mom demanded the kids come clean. (Jumble)
Graffiti's days are numbered. The writing is on the wall. (Very Punny)
What did the big hand on the clock say to the little hand?
I’ll be around in an hour. (The Daily Groaner)
COMICS:
Beaver chewing on a baseball bat: “What a disappointment. I’ve been
chewing away on this thing for a hour, and I have yet to find a sweet
spot. (Rubes: Leigh Rubin)
Kindred: The fear of visiting relatives (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
ONE-LINERS:
“I have 200 cows.” “Yesterday, you said you had 199 cows.” “That was
before I rounded them up.” (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Every calendar's days are numbered. (Jerry Ulett)
The gay man wished to visit the night club. He would need a mandate to
do so. (Daniel Reihs).
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. (Jerry Ulett)
Cattle in outer space taste better because they are meteor. (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)
If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless. (Marsha
Coleman)
I can see through you like a book.(Richard Lederer)
My teammates have been trying to gain affection for my laborious
breathing sounds, but I doubt they'll ever really get into my pants.
(Scot Nelson)
A hard-working college grad with a B. S. From Cornell, a Ph. D. From
Princeton, and an LL. D. From Yale is killing himself by degrees. (Cryptograms)
The main hall is closed_we'll just have to wing it. (Daniel Reihs)
I asked a girl what her sign was, and she said "Stop". (Douglas Helsel)
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. (Jerry Ulett)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. (Randall Woodman)
What a florist turned fortune teller can tell you: What zinnia future
(Merl Reagle).
I used to know who the men on the side of Mount Rushmore are, but now
I just take them for granite. (Syman Hirsch)
A farmer bequeathed his male offsprings a cattle ranch and named it
Focus because that’s where the sons raise meat. (Lederer & Ertner)
What florists were doing at the comedy club: Lavender heads off. (Merl Reagle)
Can a first cousin once removed return? (Marsha Coleman)
I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. (Richard Lederer)
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. (Jerry Ulett)
"Weight up!" screamed the fat man as he chased after the bathroom scale.
(Daniel Reihs).
The cemetery at the edge of town is so popular, everyone is dying to get
in. (Danny Perry)
Why I'm back on the flower diet: My weight phloxulates (Merl Reagle)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. (Douglas
Helsel)
You heard about the minister who put all his bills in a drawer and
marked it 'Due unto Others.' (Syman Hirsch)
A lot of money is tainted. It tain't yours and it tain't mine. (Jerry Ulett)
That's a glass eye? Why, I didn't real eyes. (Daniel Reihs)..
Say, does anyone know what's with all the fuss about stem sell research?
Aren't they already raking in enough selling the flowers and foliage?
(Megan Waves)
The bowlegged cowboy couldn’t keep his calves together. (Lederer &
Ertner)
LONGER PUNS:
The contentious panhandler was really getting on my nerves, negating
every argument I could think of. A beaten man, I tossed the requisite
coins in his cup. As I was leaving, he said to me: "Don't take it
personally, lad. I'm a professional. I beg to differ." (Scot Nelson)
While working at a local TV station, I asked the weatherman what kind of
reaction he got at home if he predicted good weather but it rained and
spoiled a family outing. "My wife doesn't get mad," he replied, "She
just develops a cold front." (Charles Pulsipher)
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the
first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."
(Douglas Helsel)
All afternoon a real estate agent had been showing a young couple empty
houses. The ones they loathed always seemed to be available, but others
had snapped up the ones that struck their fancy invariable. Finally they
came to a house at the very edge of town and fell in love with it.
"Please," they begged, "tell us that this one we can have." "It's
yours," beamed the agent. "It's last but not leased!" (Archives)
A friend of mine is writing a movie script entitled "Frontier Rabbi."
The other day he was describing a scene from the script where the rabbi
conducts a short mourning service in the wilderness. I told him the
scene could be called "A Little Kaddish in the Woods." (Harvey Gordon)
"I'm a soldier trained to take orders, sir. I was arguing with this
private. I held an open book of matches. I was angry, but I wanted to
avoid physical confrontation. I reasoned that by reading something, my
rage may subside for a moment. I read the matches, sir, the command to
'close cover before striking.' So I closed, and I struck, sir. It wasn't
really fighting, sir." (Scot Nelson)
"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the
young boys at the club. "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty
impressive." "Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd
probably have a stroke." (Hirsch and McNair)
When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor
repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home
from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the silent
treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the
canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."(Tim Wheeler)
Before calculators, accountants frequently were unable to get their
debits to balance with their credits. In order to overcome the
discrepancy, they often created a bogus account, "Taste", to store the
unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance. Unfortunately, the
government soon learned of this practice, and enacted a new law: that
there would, from this point on, be no accounting for Taste. (Gail S.
Angel)
When a fully-loaded tractor-trailer overturned near our small city, the
local newspaper ran a photo of the rig and 48,000 pounds of lumber
strewn across the roadway. The caption read: "How much wood can a wood
truck chuck?" (Douglas Helsel)
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One
Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital
display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the
announcement: "Time for service." (Hirsch & McNair)
It was overheard that the USA Olympic Gold medal skier Picabo Street, is
donating the money she gets from endorsements to the local hospital in
Denver. In return, they are going to name a wing of the hospital after
her. It will be called: "Picabo, I.C.U." (Biker Lynn)
FOR THE CHILDREN:
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with fallen arches (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you get if you cross a budgie with a cat?
A peeping Tom (Marsha Coleman)
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t blow. (Spencer, 7)
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
On the outside. (Lederer Ertner)
Why did the cat walk in the desert and think he was at the North Pole?
Because he looked down and saw Sandy Claws (Marsha Coleman)
What happened when the cow tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?
It was an udder disaster. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why did the kid leave school with a chair?
The teacher told him to take a seat. (The Daily Groaner)
Why did the boy bury the flashlight?
The batteries were dead. (Emma, 9)
What did the father bull say to the mother cow?
Calves should be seen and not herd. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the woman do after the pavement roller ran over her pet cat?
Nothing. She just stood there with a long puss. (Jerry Uleet)
Where do aliens keep their teacups?
On flying saucers (Rose, 9)
What is a giraffe’s favorite type of joke?
A tall story. (Tony Thoennes)
How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
They were really put out. (Bree Schultz)
What does the ocean do when kids leave the beach?
It waves (The Daily Groaner)
Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick
sense. (Beau M., 10)
Iron was discovered because somebody smelt it. (Debi, 10)
Student: Would you get mad at me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Student: Good, because I didn’t do my homework. (Oscar, 10)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs (Richard Lederer)
Why did the guy call his dog Herpes? Because he wouldn't heel. (Harold Clark)
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, Sergeant," Irish said to the
policeman called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure
complaint by an angry woman at the bar. "You see, this woman and I were
drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman......
so I showed her." (Whicked Whimsical Wit)
"It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it." (Jokeman)
"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the
society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the
shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced
by two paid studs?" "You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed
the police officer, "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the
stroke of two." (Laugh Your Ass Off)
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?" (E4Fun)•
The tampons were on sale but the offer was valid only for a limited
period. (Gill Krebs) However, there were no strings attached (Stan Kegel)
What do gay termites eat?
Wood Peckers. (Dim Wit)
"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next
spring." (Jokeman)
A guy walks up to a hooker and asks, "how much do you charge to rub the
gentials?" She says, "The same as the Jews." (The Rave)
She was only a realtor's daughter, and she gave lots away (Richard
Lederer)
Chicks are weird, man. Why the hell would that woman from the Hawaiian
escort service think I'd want to spend $150 on a stupid flower necklace?
(Ed Blount)
A man with his hands in his pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes
in his pockets feels nuts. (Jokeman)
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure. (Archives)
Have you heard about the woman who had sex with a racehorse?
She's now in a stable condition. (Richard Lederer)
Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands. (Fuhrman)
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time
you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you
get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. (Ed Kotler)
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. (Gill Krebs)
Did you know that the author of the book "Joy of Sex" died after a
series of strokes! (The Placebo Page)
Have you heard about the woman who had intercourse only with oversexed
men?
She didn't have a lazy bone in her body. (Richard Lederer)
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget. (Ed Hexter)
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick (Archives)
I got caught stealing rubbers and they treated me like a condom
criminal. (Ben Stein)
Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money (Mutt’s Nuts)
How do gays decide who gives and who takes?
They decide on the sperm of the moment (Kid’s Kingdom)
Man who lay maiden in pantry get ass in jam. (Fuhrman)
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman
can be at her best when she is at her worst. (Tom’s Burlesque)
Girl who marry detective must kiss dick. (Fuhrman)
Ad for Firestone Tires: "Best Blow Job In Town” (Terry Galan)
'Virgin wool' comes from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet. (E4Fun)
Have you heard about the three sailors who were walking along the beach?
A wave came along and sucked them under the boardwalk. (Richard Lederer)
Little Johnny is standing on a corner yanking off. A cop comes along and
says, "What are you doing, little boy?" Little Johnny replied, "Fuckin'
nothing," (Michael Rogers)
Confucius say, “Girl who sits on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.”
(Jeff B.)
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm
is handmade. (Tom’s Burlesque)
Have you heard about the sentimental moyel?
He was a skinflint who saved all his clippings. (Richard Lederer)
What do a cheap hotel and tight jeans have in common?
No ballroom. (M. Rose Pierce)
Why are condoms like the Republican Party?
Because they stand for inflation, halt production, and give you a false
sense of security while you're being screwed. (M. Rose Pierce)
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