Stan Kegel
Fri, 12 Apr 2002 20:16:28 -0700
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 04/12/02
IN THE NEWS:
The decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a
passenger's life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers
coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a
Saturday stay over. (Gag-O-Matic)
Psychiatrists say a man shouldn't keep too much to himself. So does the
IRS. (Beckie Shiles)
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a
blank? (Henny Youngman)
Visiting Washington D.C., Dana wanted to see the White House for the
first time. At the gate Dana asked the guard, "Do we have to pay?"
"Every April 15," he replied. (Marsha Coleman)
I never cheat on my taxes. I always let someone do it who knows how
(Beckie Shiles)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
We already know that fish worshipers are Ichtheologists. Where do
Alaskan Ichtheologians do their schooling?
In the salmonary (Gary Hallock)
What metaphor describes young lovers drinking champagne?
They're like sips that passion the night. (Stan Kegel)
A hairdresser whose customer complained about grey hair and being
overweight gave what advice?
Diet (Clynch Varnadore)
Why do most men like to go to massage parlors?
They want to be kneaded (Stan Kegel)
How is setting your fish hooks with gummi bears similar to dating a 16
year old?
One is Jail-Bait and the other is Gel-Bait (Gary Hallock)
Name a movie about a golf tournament taking place on the Island of
Komodo, wherein a famous golfer is attacked from hiding by a giant
lizard while he is bending down lining up a putt.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (Ken Pinkham)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What is the name of the fairy tale about the woman who uses her premium
charge card to purchase aspirin for herself and her two friends.
Gold Deluxe and the two bears. (Lederer & Ertner)
Did you hear about the sexy movie star who got chased down by an over
zealous fan?
She had a run in her stalking. (Cricketeer)
What is a perpetual beaver colony?
Eternal dam nation (Lederer & Ertner)
Why do famous people feel cool?
Because they are surrounded by fans! (Bree Schultz)
Why are bees very good at debating?
Because they always carry their point. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why are Jewish Mothers always excused from jury duty?
They all insist that they're the guilty ones. (Gag-O-Matic)
DEFINITIONS:
Rap music: Telling on your friends to avoid a trip to Sing Sing (Stan Kegel)
Explain: Simple breakfast, as opposed to with asparagus, ham, and
hollandaise sauce (Cynthia MacGregor)
Falsies: Delusions of glandeur. (M. Rose Pierce)
Senile: What elderly tourists do in Egypt. (Tim Bruening)
Remember: What the doctors did to Mr. Bobbit (Harry Farkas )
Sheep Farmer: A person who runs a business with ewe in mind. (Bree Schultz)
Bench Mark: The worn place on a judge’s pants. (Johnny Hart)
Revealing: Cloning Bessie. (Glenn Gardner)
Realistic:- A parasite who has accepted the fact that robots have no
blood. (Gary Hallock)
Mischief: The chief's daughter. (Renee from Napa)
Aspire: Where dead donkeys are cremated. (P. C. Swanson)
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. (E4Fun)
The Jet Set: Just plane folks (Leo Weiner)
Pop Tarts: Daddy's girlfriends (Gary Hallock)
Fundamentalism: Fund=give money. Amentalism=without brains. (Clynch Varnadore)
Produce: Supporter of Mussolini (Stan Kegel)
Solar Cell: A prison for stars. (Tim Bruening)
Discarded newspapers: Litterature (Leo Weiner)
Request: To go on the trip again (Kim Soriano)
Orthodoxy: Female with a joint problem (Harry Farkas)
Hand-me-down: What the smallest duck in the family wears. (Douglas Helsel)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"I repeat my statement that these seabirds can fly across the Pacific
without landing," Tom stated relying on my gullibility. (Stan Kegel)
"Wait till I get my trousers on," Tom panted. (Paul Benoit)
"I tried to stop the horse by pulling the cord on the back", was Tom's
tale of woe. (Gill Krebs)
"Senator Kennedy did not attend the rally," Tom noted. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm not going to give up anything this year. The year before last was
quite enough," said Tom relentlessly. (Gill Krebs)
"I'll have the turtle soup," Tom mocked. (Paul Benoit)
"I'm nine and a half again," Tom pretended. (Stan Kegel)
"Those beans gave me a lot of gas." Tommy blustered astutely.. (Lou Stewart)
"The bottle of Cabernet is finished," Tom whined. (Paul Benoit)
"The recipe calls for removing all solids from the melted butter," Tom
clarified. (Stan Kegel)
"Whoa, Hoss!" cried Tom haltingly. (Paul Benoit)
BLOOPERS:
Andie MacDowell made her screen debut as the American ward of Lord
Greystoke who falls in love with Tarzan. (Jim Mica)
Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs.
Trudy Baker, a chicken. (Bree Schultz)
I don't want to cast asparagus at my opponent! (Richard Lederer)
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan (Bree Schultz)
The only sure-fire way to avoid teenage pregnancy is through obstenance
(Richard Lederer).
Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder (Bree Schultz)
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. (Jokes Galore)
POETRY
Sexy vixens come
Through my TV late at night
On nympho-mercials
(Gary Hallock)
If you "go with the flow" you will be
Oh so happy, delighted and free
Since changing to Euros
That adage now goes:
"You'd be wiser to follow the current", see!
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Breakfast cereals
Genetically enhanced flakes
Goes against my grain
(Gary Hallock)
Banana picker
Sued boss for compensation
Won case on a peel (Guy Ben-Moshe)
DAILIES:
She didn't marry the gardener. Too rough around the hedges. (Pun of the Day)
When she snatched the remote control, he said it was a power grab. (Jumble)
When the club was sold out, the jazz quartet enjoyed a jammed session. (Jumble)
After knawing away, Fido felt dog tired (Jumble)
Runnin' with the Devil has been know to cause covered vehicles used by
tradesmen for the transportation of light goods to fall from the sky.
Seek shelter if you notice this type of Van Hailen (The Big Pun)
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please (E4Fun)
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and
dodging deadlines. (E4Fun)
Sailors like to seas opportunities (Pun of the Day)
Old sailors never die -- they just don't get the drift? (Pun of the Day)
When he went sky-diving, it was a leap of faith. (Jumble)
Safe company ad: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault." (Very Punny)
I tried desperately to make a loaf of wheat bread, but the whole thing
went arye. (The Big Pun)
At the beach a bathing beauty is considered to be a girl worth wading
for. (The Daily Groaner)
There was a baseball player who was a thief. He was always trying to
steal. (Pun of the Day)
Finding out after the his statistics test that data collected by retired
gnomes who used to support themselves by catching wild animals cannot
be used to estimate data outside the domain, the student exclaimed, "No
ex trap? Oh late! (The Big Pun)
The lonely chess player asked that his mail order bride be wrapped in
plastic. He was tired of stalemates. (Very Punny)
Two foxes chasing four rabbits decided to split hares (Pun of the Day)
The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse (Pun of
the Day)
To find the chocolate chips that Mom hid takes a smart cookie. (Jumble)
Poor blood circulation runs through the family (Pun of the Day)
Sign in an Egyptian funeral parlour: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your
mummy back." (Very Punny)
What do you call a sausage that has been stolen?
A missing link (The Daily Groaner)
What would happen if Satan lost his hair?
There would be hell toupee. (The Daily Groaner)
COMICS:
Secret Recipes of the Rich and Famous: “First, we visit a famous cellist
who plays Bach while fixing her favorite omelet.
“Baroque ‘n eggs!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thames)
Father: “The man who marries my daughter is getting a prize.” Suitor:
“Could I see the prize?” (Family Circus: Billy Keane)
Secret Recipes of the Rich & Famous: And a renowned mathematician shows
us how to make a rectangular lemon meringue.
“Pie Squared” (Frank & Ernest; Bob Thaves)
Dog wearing a stethoscope listening to a woman, “Wait, Let me guess. You
learned how to heal today in dog class.” (Mother Goose & Grimm: Mike Peters)
Interviewer: “How long have you been King?” Caption: Reign Check (Family
Circle: Bill Keane)
“Uncle Cosmos, you’ve been staring at that phone for hours.” “What?
You’ve never heard of call waiting?” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Secret Recipes of the Rich & Famous: Then a Shakespeare scholar makes
the most magnificient Caesar Salad:
“The noblest Romaine of them all!” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Picture of 4 children giving gifts to 4 other children. Caption:”Four
give and Four get” Cartoonist to his son: “We can’t use this, Billy
it’s nothing but a pun.” (Family Circle: Bill Keane)
ONE-LINERS:
Do light eaters prefer bulbs? (Stan Kegel)
If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike? (Renee
from Napa)
I put a French art museum on my home page so surfers can experience
Louvre at first site. (Megan Waves)
Blessed are the cheesemakers for they shall get their whey. (Douglas Helsel)
That's a glass eye? Why, I didn't real eyes. (Daniel Reihs)
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. (Jokes Galore)
On the moon, an administrator has no trouble reducing the weight of the
masses. (Daniel Reihs)..
If I had twins and they were boys, I'd name them Peter and Repeater.
If they were girls, I'd name them Kate and Duplicate. (Smaller the Better).
Show me a herd of cattle with a sense of humor and I’ll show you a
laughing stock. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
If people ever make a robotic parking attendant, I figure its name
could be silicon valet. (Douglas Helsel)
Now there is solo wrestling for people who need to get a grip on
themselves. (Renee from Napa)
Wherever you find four Irishmen, you'll always find a Fifth (Renee from Napa)
They found Jimmy Hoffa! He's working in the maternity ward of the Bronx
Hospital, organizing labor! (Bree Schultz)
My mother-in-law is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause. (Bree Schultz)
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. (Jokes Galore)
Does killing time damage eternity? (Bree Schultz)
The cow who ate too many blueberries mooed indigo (Richard Lederer and
James Ertner)
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture (Renee
from Napa)
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome. (Jokes Galore)
The economy is still pretty tough. My brother quit his job at the salt
and pepper factory. The work was too seasonal. (Garry)
In 1901 Stockings were first sold, and there was a run on them. (Patrick Kincaid)
I have a dog that frequently travels overseas. He's a jet setter.
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air! (Bree Schultz)
Always take a calendar with you. If you get stranded, you can eat the
dates and the sundaes, and drink from the spring. (Tim Breuning)
At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle is a wreck tangle. (Jan Hyde)
Show me a milk man in high heels and I'll show you a Dairy Queen (Renee
from Napa)
Beware of the dreaded Amish Flu! First you get a little hoarse. Then you
get a little buggy. (Bree Schultz)
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. (Art Donovan)
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. (Bree Schultz)
That nice steam-roller-operator is such a flatterer . (Daniel Reihs)..
LONGER PUNS:
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?" "I was golfing with friends, my dear." "WHAT? At 2 a.m.?!" "Yes
dear, we used night clubs." (LOL)
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the
documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh,
no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay
required a visa. When the travel agent told him this , he said, "Look,
I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my
American Express or MasterCard. (G S Angel)
It was at a cocktail party, and the guy was getting nowhere with a
really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host - a buddy - about
the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix
her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go
to bed with ya just like your wife." "Hell, no." reacted the guy. "I
don't want her THAT stiff." (Mitch Webb)
A lion gulped down seven missionaries-- each of a different
denomination. Not having any Rolaids handy, the only way the lion could
get relief was to have an ecumenical movement. (Dale Radke)
Asked by his teacher to spell "straight," the third-grade boy did so
without error. "Excellent," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"
"Without water." (Dim Wit)
A report says the marriage rate is at its lowest level in 4 decades. A
good relationship requires give and take. The wife takes the husband
with a grain of salt. The husband gives up sex. (Ray)
FOR THE CHILDREN:
Why does a dog turn around twice before lying down?
Because one good turn deserves another. (Zach, 9)
What did the doc say when he finished the operation?
"That's enough out of you." (Bree Schultz)
What did one comet say to the other comet?
Glad to meteor. (Danny Perry)
What kind of sandwich is Dracula afraid of?
A Stake sandwich (Jenny, 9)
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A Car Tune (Zach, 9)
What is a giraffe's favorite type of story?
A tall tale (Danny Perry)
What do you get if you cross a boa constrictor with a lamb?
A wrap-around sweater (Rosa, 9)
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render (John, 8)
What did one worm say to the other worm?
“Where on earth have you been?” (Arturo)
Why don't skeletons go scuba diving?
They haven't got the guts. (Danny Perry)
What animal do you look like when you are in the shower?
A little bear. (Lederer & Ertner)
What happens when a queen bee falls in love?
She holds on to her honey (Jonathan,7)
Why do adults tell stupid jokes?
Because they are groan-ups. (Danny Perry)
What did the shoe salesman get when he was fired?
The boot (Sarah, 10)
Why do bees hum?
They don't know the words (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the witch’s cat want before going to bed?
A sorcerer of milk (Sarah, 9)
Where do pig astronauts travel?
In snouter space (Puja, 11)
What happened to the two silkworms in a race?
They wound up in a tie. (Danny Perry)
What did the unhappy doe ask the bank teller?
“Can I change this buck?” (Matisse, 9 & Fiona, 8)
Why wouldn’t the bicycles move?
Because they were two-tired. (Danielle, 9)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
On the Internet they found romance
That put both in a hot sexual trance,
But each had a gripe
About having to type
With a hand stuck down into the pants.
(Mitch Webb)
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can always unscrew a lightbulb. (Richard Lederer)
Seersucker: A person who blows clairvoyants. (Uncle Cletus)
Two choir girls were sleeping together They were playing hymns. (Paul Benoit)
"Larry and Karen are getting a divorce." "You're kidding! I thought they
had so much in common." "Actually, that's the problem. They both like
pussy." (Mitch Webb)
Have you heard about the cannibal who always ate everything that was
placed on his plate? He had a ball. (Richard Lederer)
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw
anything. (Mike Spence) .
What's the difference between a baby boy and an opera director?
A baby boy sucks his fingers. (Pure Humor)
"If my girlfriend worships my scrotum, is she sac-religious?", asked
Tom, as he offered up a new teste-mint. (David Reihmer)
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok
(Gary Taylor)
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. (The Playful Kitty)
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that
during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?" A student
replied, "That's because guys have 'balls,' and that weighs them down."
The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity
guys tend to grow taller than gals?" The student countered by saying,
"That's because gals get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's
balls." (Mitch Webb)
What do you call a redneck with sheep under each arm?
A pimp! (Daily Groaner)
What should you never call an intergalactic moving company?
Uranus-Hertz. (Gill Krebs)
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts,
This is going to be a hell of a blowjob! (Tom’s Berlesque)
Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?
Because when she reaches 69, she gets a frog in her throat. (Ed Hexter)
Is a seer who practices auto-erotic gratification a self-fullfilling
prophet? (Hojimoji)
A young woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about
condoms. She answered, "Well, that depends on what's in it for me."
(Rodney and Cathy)
What is 6.9?
Good sex interrupted by a period. (Unladylike Laughs)
What do elephants and paint have in common?
They both come in buckets. (Paul's Pure Humor)
Why is 77 better then 69?
Because you get eight more. (Dalisha)
Tonto, scouting for the Lone Ranger, puts his head to the ground,
listens carefully for a moment before turning to The Lone Ranger and
announcing: "Bull come here" "How can you tell?" "Face sticky." (The Newcomer)
How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey. (Kegel Archives)
Herr Fokker, the warplane maker in WWII, had a mom who was really strict
and demanding. Yep, she was a real Mother Fokker. (Leisure Suit Larry 7,
Love For Sail.)
The English cricket team has accepted a new sponsorship deal from
Tampax. This is great news for English cricket! It will help them get
through tough periods and it'll mean they won't get fucked so often.
(Lorraine Bellis)
Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent. (Fuhrman)
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