Stan Kegel
Fri, 19 Apr 2002 21:26:05 -0700
PUNS OF THE WEAK: For the week ending 04/19/02
IN THE NEWS:
Ossama Ben Laden's accountant suggested he invest a few million dollars
in reenforcing his cave network because if he's still alive on April
15, he might need attack shelter (Gary Hallock)
Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the
credit, the other takes the cash. (Paul Benoit)
When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive
(Lite Bites)
According to the government, a taxpayer is someone who has what it
takes. (Beckie Shiles)
Income-tax forms should be printed on Kleenex. So many of us pay through
the nose. Paul Benoit)
Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction. (Shelby Friedman)
Because of her lavish spending habits, Pamela [Anderson Lee] is said to
be having financial troubles. Which is strange, because her two largest
assets are liquid. (Conan O'Brien)
Gay couples in New Jersey can now adopt foster children. Conservatives
denounced the idea, saying "It's cruel and immoral to raise children in
an environment like... New Jersey." (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Yesterday I was assembling my giant O. Henry Pun-Off sign on the outside
wall of a rent house we have on interstate 35. Each individual plastic
letter is about 4 feet tall and I have to stand up on the back of my
truck as I fasten them around the edges with numerous screws. As I
sorted through the stack of letters I realized that a small but
important piece of my sign had gone astray. I said aloud "Hey, I'm
missing my period!" My puzzled buddy just looked at me with a "Don't
look at me" face so I added, "I guess that's what comes from all my
screwing around." (Gary Hallock)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
When the owner of a magazine stand found business so slow that he spent
most of the day inventorying, one thing became apparent. What?
He had a lot of extra time on his hands (Ken Pinkham).
What sin should you think of when you look out the window and see only a
leafless oak?
A dull tree (Stan Kegel)
Where did they put General Patton's WWII competitor after he went
insane from going on too many shopping sprees in American clothing
malls?
In a Patton cell in the Montgomery Ward (By David Bunch)
Due to budget cutbacks in Hollywood, many people on the staff of popular
game shows were laid off. Even the well paid hosts of some shows were
rumored to losing their jobs to younger, less expensive hunks. The aging
host of one show in particular almost had a heart attack when he
received and misunderstood a reassuring note from his producer that
seemed to indicate he was about to get the axe. What did the note say?
Alex, Your job will always be in Jeopardy! (Gary Hallock)
A nature photographer spent a lifetime taking photos of summits of the
world's tallest mountains. Nearing his retirement he decided to have
his portfolio published. What was the title of the book?
Peak-tures (By Tiff Wimberly)
What do you call people who tell jokes about the physics of fluid displacement?
Archemedians (Gary Hallock)
Why is a San Francisco pickpocket like a popular appetizer?
Each one is a California dip. (Ken Pinkham)
What do you call a Salvation Army volunteer who approaches patrons
between acts of a play.
An intermissionary (By Stan Kegel)
OTHER RIDDLES:
Why did the bee wear a skullcap?
So people would know he was not a wasp. (Lederer & Ertner)
Who is the most famous Irish inventor?
Pat Pending (Douglas Helsel)
What would you name your sons if you had triplets?
Peter, Repeater and FU-MANCHU
Why Fu-manchu?
Because every third child born is a Chinese. (Arjun)
Why are there so few Jewish Mothers who are alcoholics?
Because alcohol dulls the pain. (Gag-O-Matic)
Why are birds grouchy in the morning?
Because their bills are over dew. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why do some fisherman use helicopters to catch their bait?
Because the whirleybird catches the worm. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call the winner of a snake beauty contest that is a perfect ten.
A Boa Derik (Lederer & Ertner)
What does the buffalo on a nickel stand for?
Because their is no room for him to sit down (Lederer & Ertner)
DEFINITIONS:
Restaurant: Where people are happy when they're fed up. (Stan Kegel)
Injury: Where many court cases are decided (Cynthia MacGregor)
Israel: All things that are not imaginary. (Gary Hallock)
Romantic: A small insect that often plagued Julius Caesar (Cynthia MacGregor)
Iambic: The singing pen in the commercial (Stan Kegel)
Rampart: What the Greek Restaurant served wrapped in grape leaves (Ken Pinkham)
Dumpling: A very small, very rundown apartment. (P. C. Swanson)
Slacking: Top tailor (Stan Kegel)
Roaster: The guy who's making the boat move (Kim Soriano)
Pin Money: Bowling fee (Stan Kegel)
Pontificate: Food fight on a Paris bridge. (J. A. Mc.)
Raise: Belonging to Raymond (Cynthia MacGregor)
Syntax: All the money collected at the church from sinners. (Douglas Helsel)
Carpool tunnel syndrome: A painful arm from gripping the seat while the
driver of your transit group navigates a congested underwater passage
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Pasteurize: Something moving across your line of vision (Stan Kegel)
Peking: toilet king. (Tim Bruening)
Rebel: Replace the carillon. (Lars Hanson)
Persuade: Soft leather used to make handbags. (P. C. Swanson)
Twins: Buy one, get one free (Beckie Shiles)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"She's already married," said Tom mistakenly. (Gill Krebs)
"I eat Jelly Beans all day long," Tom admitted precariously. (Stan Kegel)
"I can't remember all the items Mrs Tom wanted me to pick up," said Tom
listlessly (Paul Benoit).
"Those slacks were getting worn out, so I threw them away," said Tom's
wife expansively (Gill Krebs).
"I'll stand still until you take my picture," Cindy Crawford proposed.
(Stan Kegel)
"The Viagra isn't working," moaned Tom limply. (Paul Benoit)
"How about a quick one before the Indy 500?" Tom prezoomed to ask.
(Gill Krebs)
"The insect had laid its eggs in the cheese," Tom said briefly. (Stan Kegel)
"I hate Italian bread," Tom said crustily. (Paul Benoit)
"$400. Do I hear $500?" asked the auctioneer morbidly..(Gill Krebs)
"This butter is too hard," griped Tom, churning in his chair. (Paul Benoit)
"I'm going to have another one of those stress headaches," Tom said
pretentiously. (Stan Kegel)
"This dish must shine very brightly," said the silversmith in Polish.
(Matt Gutting)
"There, now, we've got a roaring fire," said Tom hotly. (Paul Benoit)
BLOOPERS:
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water (Bree Schultz)
I met this nice guy who's in the service. He's the chief petting
officer. (Richard Lederer)
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung (Bree Schultz)
It was a case of love at Versailles. (Richard Lederer)
Farmer Bill Dies in House (Bree Schultz)
A Cricket commentator on UK radio once correctly stated, "The
batsman's Holding. The bowler's Willie." (Duh Me)
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One (Bree Schultz)
More and more people around the world are purchasing and using cellulite
phones. (Richard Lederer)
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing (Bree Schultz)
POETRY
The least popular
Ag workers are grape pickers
They just wine and wine
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Gene splicing breakthrough
Recumbent DNA gives
A more relaxed fit
(Gary Hallock)
The corner druggist
Grew crops to brush up on his
Farm ecology
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Deer hunters traded
Venison from their freezers
A case of Swap Meat
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
There once was a girl stalk of wheat.
By a boy stalk of wheat she did sleep.
On awakening tis said
She found herself bread
And said "My God, I've been reaped!"
(BrikBrain)
Early in the day
Strawberry crew picks the fruit
Don't show up tarty
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
DAILIES:
On organic farms they till it like it is (Pun of the Day)
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes (Pun of the Day)
The artist got the short straw because he didn’t draw well. (Jumble)
After a long day of heavy shopping, she felt spent. (Jumble)
Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while
it isn't so hot. (Very Punny)
Neutrons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic. (E4Fun)
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck. (The Daily Groaner)
A small pirate ship is called a thug-boat (Pun of the Day)
Your nose is in the scenter of your face (Pun of the Day)
People need to cut their fingernails before they get too out of hand
(Pun of the Day)
I did not want to spill jelly on my mattress. It was too hot to sleep
with a bed spread. (The Big Pun)
A small shrub clinging to the walls of the Grand Canyon is a Gorge Bush.
(Pun of the Day)
Leftover spaghetti is pasta its prime (Pun of the Day)
The bartender put the hot tip on ice. (Jumble)
The birthday cake, which was made in the shape of an apartment, was a
bit too suite for me. (The Big Pun)
A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail (Pun of the Day)
Dentists practice by going through many drills (Pun of the Day)
The junkyard crusher turned the limousine into a compact car. (Jumble)
Where am I going to store these stolen checks, you ask? Well, I had
originally planned to cache them. (The Big Pun)
What do you get when a gang of robbers jump into a pool?
A crime wave! (The Daily Groaner)
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. (The Daily Groaner)
A carpenter sat on his drill and was bored to tears. (Pun of the Day)
To get a wig, bald men have toupee a lot of money (Pun of the Day)
When a musician's toupee fell into his saxophone he blew his top (Pun of
the Day)
When his grades slipped, the student needed a “Major” change. (Jumble)
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the
past perfect. (Myke Ashley-Cooper/ Very Punny)
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide. (The Daily Goiner
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive. (The Daily Groaner)
COMICS:
What do you think about the Giants this season?
I expect really big things from them this year. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Coach: “You two double team O’neal” Player: “How come we’re always the
Shaq absorbers” (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
“I saw a show last nigth about one middle aged man’s battle with chest
pain.” “What was it called?” “The Angina Monologues” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins)
ONE-LINERS:
My dog continually walks back and forth. He's a pace setter (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)
Cereal Killer Strikes Again - does it for Kix! (Bree Schultz)
Tried to play my shoehorn ... all I got was footnotes! (Renee from Napa)
My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed feelings about
that. (Marsha Coleman)
A group of male turkeys gathered aboard a luxury ship for a sea-going
vacation. In nautical circles, this has become known as the Tom Cruise.
(Gill Krebs)
My sister dated a tennis player. It didn't work out. To him, love meant
nothing. (Garrry)
'Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest. (Syman Hirsch)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. (Jokes Galore)
Acupuncture is a jab well done. (Jerry Ulett)
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the
basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? (Gail S. Angel)
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by thischild are
not necessarily those of his parents." (R. Klar & D. Kegel)
Money does grow on trees. It's just that the banks own all the branches.
(Renee from Napa)
Show me a farmer who raises sheep for their wool and I'll show you a
shear cropper. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. (Jokes Galore)
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck will be the day they
start making vacuum cleaners. (E4Fun)
A proud father phoned the newspaper and reported the birth of twins. The
girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message. 'Will you repeat
that?' she asked. 'Not if I can help it,' he replied. (Syman Hirsch)
I'd like to take a vacation in Turkey because I really like eating
turkey and I bet it's really good there. I'm not going to the Isle of
Man, though, cause that's sick. (Bob Van Voris)
A skimpy bathing suit that a linguist wears if she is only going into
the water briefly is called a Dip Thong (Gil Krebs)
Everyone in the Bureau would avoid J. Edgar Hoover in the morning until
he was ready to leave for work. It was common knowledge that he was a
cross dresser. (Stan Kegel)
As the forgetful skunk said awhen the wind suddenly changed directions,
"It's all coming back to me now." (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
I was having car trouble so I called my mechanic. When he asked what was
wrong, I told him it was stalling and it seemed like the engine is
missing. He said if I want him to fix it, I'd better find it first.
(Randall Woodman)
My uncle was codependent and paranoid. He was always afraid that he was
following someone. (Garrry)
My fireplace wasn't working right, and I had to get it a flue shot.
(Megan Waves)
Many are called, but few actually return the message. (Douglas Helsel)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts. (Jokes Galore)
The name of the cloned sheep that was born in a Central American country
is El Salvador Dolly. (Gill Krebs)
Vikings prefer to catch fish with Hitchcock Films. Of corse, there are
other Norman Bates. (Daniel Reihs).
Somebody once asked: did I pick my nose? I replied, "No. I was born with
it." (Johann von Haupkopf)
Did you hear about the fish that avoided the fisherman's net? He was the
sole survivor. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence (Renee from Napa)
Did you hear about the fish that kept getting stuck in an underwater
pipeline? It was an example of carp-in-tunnel syndrome. (Jim Ertner)
A man in our neighborhood ran around convincing people not to eat. Man,
he was some fast talker! (Megan Waves)
When Michelin, Goodyear, and Firestone workers become 65 years old, do
they simply quit work, or merely re-Tire? (Sir Lawrence Brotherton)
Show me a man who walks with his head held high and I'll show you a man
who hasn't quite gotten used to his bifocals. (Beckie Shiles)
In feline felony there is always probable claws. (Shewalt)
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. (Jokes Galore)
The Aboriginal glee club performs a variety of coral music. (Daniel Reihs).
Pampered cows give spoiled milk. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Accept what you cannot change, especially if it's in large
denominations. (Renee from Napa)
In 1865 Canada sold the United States a herd of 40,000 Bison. Then,
America received a Buffalo Bill. (Patrick Kincaid)
In 1914 The Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
(Daryl Stout)
LONGER PUNS:
The boss of counterfeiting gang was encouraging his men. The forger-head
was telling them to forge ahead. So they became sculptors and started
doing counterfeit busts. They thought he said, "forge a head." Anyway,
when the police arrived they captured the lot of them easily by throwing
a very old biblical cloak over them. They struggled a bit but soon
realised there was Noah's cape! (Johann von Haupkopf)
Bob brought his son to work one day and the boy watched him type his
computer password. The lad was so quick that he was able to read it just
from watching the keys: MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto. "Wow, Dad!" the boy
exclaimed. "Why is your password so long?" "They told me," he replied,
"that it needs at least four characters." (Garrry)
A couple years ago I went to a bar with some friends. Above the bar I
noticed a sign that read: "For Sale. 1985 Henway. Excellent Condition.
Make Offer." So I asked the bartender, "What's a henway?" He said, "Oh,
about three to four pounds." (Bree Schultz)
The wise Zen Master is visiting New York one day from Tibet. He goes up
to a local hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The
hot dog vendor fixes him a delicious hot dog and hands it to the Zen
Master, who proceeds to pay with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in
the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within." (Lorraine Harper)
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year olddaughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the childsaid to her
mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to thephone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle." (Ron Klar & Debbie Kegel)
One Friday everyone in our office was in high spirits, and Marshall, a
sales rep, was making the rounds, joking and teasing us all. When he
stopped in front of a new employee's desk, she braced herself. "I'd
hoped I might be spared," she said. "Oh, you can't escape Marshall," our
boss cautioned her. "He's an equal opportunity annoyer." (Tim Davis)
Mary and her husband were chatting with a friend when the talk turned to
women's fashions and how much they have changed. "I always wore
stockings when I was single," Mary commented. "I wouldn't have dreamed
of wearing socks. Now I wear them all the time." Mary's husband nodded.
"That's right," he said. "She didn't believe in socks before
marriage."(Beckie Shiles)
A lady and her son were visiting the zoo one fine Sunday morning. "Mom,"
inquired the son, "what's the peculiar object on the ground underneath
that funny looking animal?" She looked intently, then assured him,
"There's nothing, son, under the gnu." (Gill Krebs)
It took a lot of hierarchy to think and decide that when the new present
Pope was named, it would be an Italian known as Cardinal Sicola. He
wasn't chosen. 'Why do you suppose they passsed him up?' 'I'm guessing
that they didn't want someone named Pope Sicola.' (Syman Hirsch)
A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was
amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their
noses and tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh," exclaimed the
fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen: "Carp to carp
walleting.” (Stan Kegel)
Johann Sebastian Bach and Virginia Wolfe were cavorting in Heaven.
Virginia slipped and fell and said, “Carry me Bach." "Too old,
Virginny," he replied (Gilbert Krebs)
Even though Sigmund Freud was terribly addicted to cocaine he actually
died when one day after taking a bath and getting out of the tub he
slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly. Might this be
another. Freudian slip? (Archives)
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered
appropriate to. place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share
stored promptly but there as still a good .portion left for Mal to take
care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all , Mel said, "The
rest is for Mal to hide.” (Richard NcGarvey)
This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute, but
the company went under one time when it received an order for a million
pounds of the stuff. Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing
the product and much of it was wasted. They were not able to deliver in
time The company had not allowed enough margarine for error (Archives)
The dragon guarding a castle woke one morning when a knight and his
horse fell from the drawbridge. The dragon immediately devoured both.
The dragon grinned and remarked, "I like moat meal to start my day." (P.
C. Swanson)
FOR THE CHILDREN:
Does your uncle suffer from insanity?
No, he enjoys every minute of it. (Danny Perry)
Why did the player bring a ghost to the game?
Because the coach told him to get a little spirit (Pedro, 7)
What do you call a dog who hogs all the food?
A pet-a-greed (Rachel. 8)
Why can’t a bank keep secrets?
Because there are so many tellers. (Julie, 10)
Where are dromedaries sold in Saudi Arabia?
At a camel lot. (Lederer & Ertner)
How was that restaurant on the moon/
The food was great but there was no atmosphere. (Danny Perry)
What is the tallest building in New York City?
The library. It has the most stories. (Taylor, 9)
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
Because they all have phones (Danny Perry)
What’s a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch (Maya, 9)
Why doesn’t a dog like to get on the scales?
Because he hates dog pounds (Emma, 9)
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Bar tender?" (Gag-O-Matic)
What are baby potatoes called?
Tater-Tots (Kristina)
What is a dog’s favorite part of the house?
The roof (Tyler, 8)
Where do spacebees go after they get married?
On a honey moon. (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the clerk tell Snow White when she complained that her
photographs hadn't been developed yet?
Someday your prints will come. (Danny Perry)
What house weighs the least?
The lighthouse (Jake, 10)
“I would like to try on that dress in the window” “I’m sorry, but you’ll
have to do that in the dressing room like everyone else. (Yoanna)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches. (Richard Lederer)
"If there was a'Bi-Sexual Pride parade, would it go both ways?" (Jokes Rule)
Why don't you want Monica Lewinsky and Tonto in your car at the same
time? You might wind up with a blown Injun. (Tom Sarge)
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it - we're closed. (Dim Wit)
What's the difference between a fox chase and Lady Godiva?
A fox chase is a hunt on a course. (Richard Lederer)
The pretty blonde was being interviewed for a rather high level
executive position in the ad agency. Finally, the interviewer concluded
with, "I like your style, Ms. J., I think you'll do fine. All we ask is
that you put out." "Err, sir," she started, "Are you referring to *work*
or *sex*?" "Lil' lady, if it's not one, it better be the other. (Ray Owens)
Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
Indiana (Gary Hallock)
How many Californians does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs. They screw in hot tubs. (Alan Corwin)
"Do you have a fairy godmother?" "No, but I have an uncle you need to
keep an eye on!" (Jerry Ulett)
Bordello: A toll cookie house (Richard Lederer)
I asked her for a threesome, but she said she wasn't into triple secs!
(George Pope)
They have made an X-rated sequel to the Cinderella story in which the
Prince goes through a prolonged period of impotency and Cinderella
wistfully sighs, "Some day my prince will come." (Harvey C. Gordon)
What did Mr. Spock find in the restroom on the Enterprize ?
The Captains log! (The Placebo Page)
Intercourse: A hot pole in a pothole. (Richard Lederer)
If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start. (Chucklebuns)
An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.
"How am I doing?" He asks. '"Three knots," she replies. "Three knots?
What's that mean?" "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not
getting your money back."(Ed Hexter)
A woman can always tell an old man in the dark. It isn't hard . (Harvey
C. Gordon)
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
"See you next month" (LAB Laughs)
What's the speed limit of sex?
68, because at 69 you have to turn around. (LAB)
Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen
the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love
with her dentist and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said,
“Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men
who adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that ever
said to me, ‘SPIT, don't SWALLOW.’" (Twisted Humor)
Did you hear about the circumsizer who missed?
He got the sack. (Thieving Joker)
A bank examiner will pay special attention to a bank where many loans
and unmarried female employees are overdue. (Harvey C. Gordon)
Call Girls: The lays of our dives. (Richard Lederer)
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. (LOL)
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a
monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the
barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man
walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed
in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it." (LAB)
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him! (Mike Spence)
My vet asked me for a sample of the toadstool that sickened my dog. If
anyone out there can tell me where a toad usually defecates, please
email me. (Scot Nelson)
A number of magicians will hire former prostitutes as assistants. They
already know how to do tricks. (Harvey C. Gordon)
Alimony: Bounty on the mutiny (Richard Lederer)
What do a tomcat on the prowl and a desperate poker player have in common?
They both put everything they have into the kitty. (Colorado Kid)
To unsubscribe from this list please visit:
http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com
Joke-xchange mailing list
[EMAIL PROTECTED]