Stan Kegel
Fri, 26 Apr 2002 19:12:02 -0700
PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 04/26/02
IN THE NEWS:
New York Ranger announcer, Sol Messina is obviously unfamiliar with
women’s soccer. Looking at the name “Mia Hamm” he told his audience to
tune in when the New York Power take on the Miami Ham. (Phil Mushkin)
A study by the Fitness Products Council released Thursday shows that
Americans spent $5 billion on home exercise equipment last year. For tax
purposes, exercise equipment may be listed as a "towel rack" after six
months. (Gag-O-Matic)
Put all our congressmen together and they weigh about 96,000 pounds.
It's hard to get anything that weighs 48 tons to move quickly. (Charlie Jones)
According to the papers, K-Mart stock has dropped 11% because of bad
reports by stock analysts. Apparently, the stock is now so cheap you can
only buy it in K-Mart. (Conan O'Brien)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
Most of us get our eggs from hens. Where in the world would you get your
eggs from roosters?
The Himalayas (Stan Kegel)
How is an aircraft carrier similar to a bowling alley after a flood?
Both have warp lanes (war planes) (Gary Hallock)
At the French cooking school, the student just couldn't get the fish
right. The professor complained that no matter what the student did, it
still didn't taste French. Finally, in exasperation, the professor
quoted a proverb (with the inevitable punny twist) that described his
feeling that the student would never get it right. What proverb is that?
One man's meat is another man's poisson (Clynch Varnadore)
Walden Pond is famous for the raising of what domestic animals?
Thoreau bred horses (Stan Kegel)
What is a whiff of communist perfume worth?
Not a red scent. (Gary Hallock)
What is the favorite song of a young country boy who heads for the big
city, seeking to reap great profit by working for a national computer company?
Farmer in the Dell (David Bunch)
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there
is a full moon?
A Weirdo (were-doe) (Stan Kegel)
What do cowboys call a laid-back city slicker who hires onto the crew of
a submersible watercraft?
Subdude. (Gary Hallock)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What happened when the farmer lost all his chickens through a hole in
the fence?
He had to recoop his losses (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
What do you get if you cross a giant ape with whipped egg whites and sugar?
Merangue-atan! (Marina)
What do you get when you cross a Chinaman with a Jewish mother?
Someone who makes misfortune cookies! (Ed Kotler)
Why shouldn't you wash your rabbit with goat's milk?
You're not supposed to use that greasy kid stuff on your hare. (Harold Clark)
Why was the gambler hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack?
He was hedging his bets (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?
A Hare Cut. (Paul Benoit)
What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his
stalled car?
Stop beating a dead hearse. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
One is heir to the thrown and the other is thrown into the air. (Harold Clark)
What did the sharks do when the Weight Watchers class went for a swim?
They chewed the fat. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
DEFINITIONS:
Icing: What I do when I shower. (Stan Kegel)
Nepotism: Putting on heirs (Kim Evans)
Bachelor: One who doesn't want to altar his existence (Leo Weiner)
Iambic: The singing pen in the commercial (Stan Kegel)
Ice: Visual organs (Cynthia MacGregor)
Witty: Jest in time (Leo Weiner)
Impatience: Elves in a Doctor's office (Stan Kegel)
Icon: What scam artists do for a living. (Ken Pinkham)
Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil. (Paul Benoit)
Ice cream: I yell, employing many decibels (Cynthia MacGregor)
Papoose: The consolation prize for taking a chance on an indian blanket.
(Tony Etienne)
Ice skate: a Southern belle known formally as Katharine introduces
herself (Cynthia MacGregor)
Average: The average person has one ovary and one testicle. (Harold Clark)
Impasse: Playful dwarf's behind (Stan Kegel)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"You will spend the next thirty days in county jail. Period," said the
judge with conviction finishing the sentence. (Stan Kegel).
"I plan to do more rowing exercises to build up my pectorals," she said
robustly. (Taimse)
"Washington never told a lie," Tom told his class altruistically. (Stan Kegel)
"Oliver, I definitely will become more etiquette-conscious. I'm going to
remove the cap from my head whenever I am in the same room with a lady,"
Laurel told Hardy standoffishly. (Rick P.)
"I shot him in cold blood," admitted Tom gravely. (Monte Skaufle)
"Your trousers have come apart!" was Tom's unseemly comment, which had
us all in stitches. (Stan Kegel)
"And this year, we're not going to do the same puzzles over and over
again," both Emily and Henry resolved.(Emily Cox and Henry Rathvon)
"Let me deal the cards," said Tom, shuffling along, looking flushed but
with a straight face. (Stan Kegel)
"I will finish painting the Pennsylvania sign black," Tom stated
boldly.(Game Dame)
BLOOPERS:
Headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
(Randall Woodman)
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. (Rodney & Cathy)
>From a company memo notifying employees that passenger-elevator service,
air-conditioning, and water would be shut off for repairs: We have been
advised to please refrain from using the restrooms during this shutdown.
The freight elevator can be used in an emergency. (Douglas Helsel)
Headline: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case (Randall Woodman)
William Kelly Was Fed Secretary (Bree Schultz)
Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (Randall Woodman)
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church. (Rodney & Cathy)
Headline: Teacher Strikes Idle Kids (Randall Woodman)
POETRY
The important things
One must bring to a Swap Meet
Are tools of the trade
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
The sultan got sore on his harem.
And invented a scheme for to scare 'em.
He caught him a mouse
Which he loosed in the house.
The confusion is called harem-scarem .
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
The lemon pickers
And the orchard owners had
A bitter dispute
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Ev'ry lady that I've dated heretofore
Wrote me poems, 'ere she crossed through my door
There's be no confusion
That her body I'm usin'
'Cause she'd know from the start what I metaphor
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
DAILIES:
A restaurant owner gave his cooks a stirring speech (Pun of the Day)
What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish (Daily Groaner)
Sign at a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
(Intl Save the Pun Fnd)
Basketball players over seven feet tall are highly sought after. (Pun of
the Day)
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while (The Daily Groaner)
Smells in the army are according to rank. (Pun of the Day)
I need to purchase a barrel of translucent petroleum. This garbage I
bought earlier was just too OPEC. (The Big Pun)
Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear (Pun of the Day)
What did the Cannibal get for dinner when he arrived home late from work?
A Cold Shoulder (Daily Groaner)
The curvy redhead limped into the doctor's office complaining about a
trick knee. The doctor stooped down, peering at the knee, and asked,
"Now what's a joint like you doing in a nice girl like this?" (Very Punny)
A grizzly's grandparents are his forebears (Pun of the Day)
Why did the skeleton go to the movies alone?
He had no body to go with him (Daily Groaner)
Some children are often on their pest behavior? (Pun of the Day)
I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus, and found myself at
words for a loss. (Very Punny)
If you saw a bear foot in the woods it would give you paws for concern
(Pun of the Day)
Two cannibals were eating a clown. First cannibal said to the second
cannibal, "Does this taste funny to you?" (Daily Groaner)
Pirates can bury their treasure in the twinkling of an aye (Pun of the
Day )
Satan recently fired his computer programer. He must have neglected the
rules on syn tax. (Big Pun)
Did you hear the one about the guy that kissed his girlfriend in the fog
and mist? (Daily Groaner)
Some children think that their parents are all no-ing (Pun of the Day)
When the nurses walked out, the OB doctors experienced labor pains. (Jumble)
COMICS:
Two men fencing with wooden swords with a fence in the background
missing two slats. Caption: WHITE PICKET FENCERS (Bizarro: Dan Piraro)
ONE-LINERS:
Said the judge to the accused, "My inclination is to find you guilty,
but hey, who am I to judge?"( Becky Shiles)
When a college dormitory exploded, a lot of roomers were flying. (Bree Schultz)
I thought i saw an eskimo optometrist but it was an optical aleutian
(Kim Evans)
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. (Art Donovan)
A neighbor woman learned that I was studying folk music so she gave me a
guitar, no strings attached. (WilliamJamesHolt)
If you have a lot of rye, will it turn into rice? (Gail S. Angel)
Twelve local charities, usually backing separate drives, united in a way
that put all their begs in one askit. (Cryptograms)
“I get a poultry salary.” “You mean paltry.” “No, I mean poultry. Its
chickenfeed.” (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
I f the Ark landed in Transylvania, and the master joined the
aristocracy, would he be Noah, Count? (Alan B. Combs)
Tellers with cuts on their hands that get infected by germs on the money
they handle get banker sores. ( Tiff Wimberly)
Nursing mothers are usually good at self-expression. (Karen Hamilton)
Is the bank account for a girdle business called a truss fund? Or is
that stretching it a bit. (Norm Gilbert)
I answered the doorbell and a Jehovah’s Witness said, “Can I talk to you
about God“ I responded. “Sure, what would you like to know?” (Stan Kegel)
While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding. (Bree Schultz)
During a tour of the pillow factory, I noticed that there were a great
many midgets. I asked the tour guide why. He replied that they were
downsizing. (Harold Clark)
When I responded to an ad for a free psychic reading, she told me I was
the type of person who wants something for nothing. How could she
possibly know that? (Tom Sims)
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.(Harold Clark)
I had all my electric cords shortened to save on electricity. (Gracie Allen)
When I was young and growing up and we saw 100 white men chasing 1 black
man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan. Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
(Ron Klar)
The union boss promised the janitors a sweeping change. (Harold Clark)
My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have half a mind to
sue her. (Rubin)
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand
binary, and those who don't (Joke Master)
.
People who live in glass houses have to answer the bell. (Becky Shiles)
A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat.
(Yiddish Proverb)
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons (Bree
Schultz).
"What kind of wedding is that?" "We call it a football wedding." "What's
a football wedding?" "She's waiting for him to kick off. (Ruth S Oshins)
Of what question is the following the answer: "Washington Irving"?
"Who was the first President of the United States, Max?" (Becky Shiles)
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread. (Bree Schultz)
Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.
(Harold Clark)
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease (Cathleen Shoemaker)
Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained
a reputation for being a necromancer. (Christian Francis Michael Alsis)
A plateau is a high form of flattery. (Jerry Ulett)
When I was little my mother would give us money for being good. My
brother was good for a dollar and my sister was good for a quarter. Me?
I was good for nothing! (Walt Holzhueter)
To win a relay race, swimmers pool their efforts. (Harold Clark)
LONGER PUNS:
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check
it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and
suddenly hears the arm talk, "Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty
bucks please? I'm desperate" The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem.
Your arm is broke!" (Gail S. Angel)
A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?" She thought for a minute or two and then asked, "Is it on
or off?" (Marina)
A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket
with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the
name as it appears on the card, sir?" The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
(Joke Master)
Did you hear about the Mexican-American couple, Marie and Juan, both
avid golfers? In fact, the only time they were able to get along
amicable was on the golf course. But finally things reached an impasse
and Marie shot a hole in Juan. (Archives)
My mother had been complaining of dizziness, so Dad took her to the
doctor's office for a checkup. She finished early, went shopping, and
told Dad, "I feel much better now that I bought myself a new hat."
"Good," Dad replied. "You're all dressed up and no vertigo." (Reader's Digest)
A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can makea good living
riding wild horses in a rodeo?" His dad replied, "You should get a
couple of bucks out of it." (Bree Schultz)
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I
could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several
hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the
receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we
have a lobby and you can wait there." (Sue Gibson)
Don't invest all your money in just one or two stocks. That's the
danger. I know a man who put all his money in just two stocks, a
paper-towel company and a revolving-door outfit. He was wiped out
before he could turn around. (Dave Astor)
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians
aren't the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the
heart of rock and roll is the beet. (Ruth S Oshins)
One morning, a long time ago, a King summoned his chief executioner.
"This man is to be drawn and quartered!" he ordered, indicating a
disreputable looking citizen. "Yes, Sire, at once!" replied the CE.
Later that day, the King was strolling along in a residential area of
the Palace when he encountered the CE. "Aren't you carrying out your
orders?" he cried. "Certainly, Sire," said the CE brightly. "We found
him suitable accommodations in the servants wing, and now I'm fetching a
sketch artist." (Megan Waves)
A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a
brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities
were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad. (Bree Schultz)
The other day, I went to the local disco, and I showed the doorman my
river's license and one of the wheels off my car. He asked what the
wheel was for. I said, "the guy on the radio said you were checking ID's
and a tire." (Larry Jones)
FOR THE CHILDREN:
What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile?
What's with the long face? (Joke Master)
What is the best time to see the dentist?
At tooth hurty ((Erica, 6)
Why shouldn’t you make a joke when you are ice fishing?
Because the ice may crack-up (Elview, 6)
Why did Cinderella fall down at the ball?
Because she was wearing slippers. (Steve, 8)
Did you hear about the man who works like a horse, but only when his
boss rides him. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Why did the superstitious jockey race at only one race track?
Because he had a one track mind. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
What do you use to mend a broken pizza?
Tomato paste (Jenny, 10)
Why do you look like a cub when you take a bath?
Because you’re a little bare. (Nikki)
The exterminator lost his job because he bugged his boss. (Teahna)
How did the lion make so much money?
As a roar-to-roar salesman (Jessica, 9)
What part of the barn did the newlywed horses stay?
In the bridle suite (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Did you hear about the magic Tractor?
It turned into a field. (Cathleen Shoemaker)
Why is it cool to go to a baseball game on a hot day?
Because there are a lot of fans (Mary)
Why was the racehorse named Bad News?
Because Bad News travels fast. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
What did one fish say when the other fish got hooked?
That’s what you get when you don’t keep your mouth shut. (Maria, 10)
What is the hardest thing about falling off your bed?
The floor (Stephanie, 11)
Teacher: “Why were you late for school today?” Student: “I was obeying
the sign that said ‘GO SLOW. SCHOOL AHEAD’.” (Tom)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
There Was A Young Lady Named Hatch,
Who Had A Rectangular Snatch,
So She Practiced Coition
With A Mathematician,
Who Had A Square Root To Match.
(Ms. Kitty)
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of
standing cock. (Paul Croft)
She was only a pianist's daughter, and when she wasn't upright, she was
grand. (Richard Lederer)
Bankers have a hard time understanding why a woman without principles
will draw a lot of interest (Harvey C. Gordon)
What are those oral lesions one gets from abusing oneself too much?
Wanker sores. (Alan B. Combs)
What's the difference between a noisemaker and a flatulent road worker?
A noisemaker is a Party favor (Richard Lederer)
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and
then stick her with the bill.(LAB)
What is long and hard, has a hole at the tip and when inserted into a
deep, slimey, hairy hole, can make you feel better?
VICKS INHALER! (Jokes nStuff)
What do you call a gay Jamaican?
Poke'mon! (The Placebo Page)
She was only a cyclist's daughter, and she peddled it all over town.
(Richard Lederer)
How do you keep a hard-on?
Don't fuck with it.. (John Glover)
What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?
Jager says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud."
A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud get off my ewe." (Cynch Vernadore)
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. (Don Thorn)
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts (The Placebo Page)
Have you heard about the two nudists who split up?
They were seeing too much of each other (Richard Lederer)
Sly Stalone will go one more round in yet another sequel. Rocky quits
boxing and takes a coaching position for a slow-pitch softball team
comprised of prostitutes who are trying to form a league of their own.
It's called “Rocky's Whore Pitches Slow”. (Gary Hallock)
Eat a prune and start a movement. (Geoff Tibballs)
She was only the coach's daughter, and she always made the team.
(Richard Lederer)
Did you hear about the new Catholic edition of Playboy? It's got the
same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it out at
just the right moment. (Dim Wit)
Couples who engage in French kissing may end up tongue-tied. (Anthony Cacchillo)
BRUTUS: "How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?"
CAESAR: "Et tu, Brutus." (Richard Lederer)
What if Oral Herchiser married Steve Sax? (Patrick W. Sencenich)
What's the best pick-up line in a gay bar?
May I push in your stool. (John Glover)
Bottom dollar: Fee that a prostitute charges. (Richard Lederer)
What is a Peter Pan?
A wash basin in a whorehouse. (D. A. Funk)
The good-looking prostitute who hung around billiard parlors was upset
when her pimp left with her microwave: It shook her when the looker
snooker hooker's booker took her cooker and forsook her. (Sally Rosoff)
My 6 year old came running to me to tell me his teen-aged sister was
doing dirty things in the garden. Seems she had told him she was going
outside to hoe. (Stan Kegel)
I make music using a pair of metallic dildos. Yup, phallic cymbals.(Scot Nelson)
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