[xChange] Pun-Off Winners

[Stan Kegel]

At the 25th annual O. Henry International Champion Pun-off held April
4th in Austin Texas,  Jim Ertner and  Tiff Wimberly tied for Punniest of
show, each receiving 4 scores of 9 for a 36 total. The audience was then
asked to choose the winner and Jim was awarded the trophy. Here is Jim
Ertner’s winning routine::

There's a little known animal that begins with the letter X. It's
actually a Greek swordfish, spelled X-I-P-H-I-I-D-A-E, and it's
pronounced ZIFF-EYE-IH-DEE.

As Paul Harvey might say, "Now for the REST of the story."

I'd like to present an ABC primer on animal puns.

AARDVARK a million miles to put 26 animal puns in alphabetical order.
I'd BADGER you and I'd keep CARPING on the subject, until I have no
iDEERs left. I'd have no EGRETs, however, as I FERRET out more animal
puns. If necessary, I'd even GOPHER broke. Some may say it's a
HAREbrained attempt; but, IGUANA tell you, I'm no JACKASS -- and I KID
you not. I'm not doing this for a LARK (although maybe just a MITE) So
don't NAG me. In fact, you OTTER try to PARROT me. But don't QUAIL from
the challenge. After all, you don-t have to be a RACCOON-teur. So just
SALMON up some courage, before you take a TERN for the worse. Don't be
afraid of people saying to you, "UNICORNiest person I know." Stop crying
and VIPER nose. Then say, "WALLABY a son-of-a-gun," and start singing,
"Zip-a-dee doo-dah, XIPHIIDAE ay." Soon you'll be a YAK-of-all-trades,
and can put all of these animal puns in a book called "Who's ZOO." (By
Jim Ertner)

======

Here is  Tiff Wimberly’s Punniest of Show routine:

It's time for a great and powerfal PAUSE for the weather. . . I'm your
meteorologist Dorothy GALE. The forecast for OZtin calls for mostly
PUNNY with a chance of BLUNDER.

So, WINDCHILL like to hear my CURRENT CONDITIONS? You may recall I HAIL
from Kansas where I WEATHERED a TURBULENT childhood. I was hit in the
head with a window and I'm still feeling that PANE. My house dropped on
a witch but I wasn't arrested for HOME-ICIDE. Then I met men with mo
brain, no heart and no courage. . . typical! I'm sorry. . . I just
dumped my conceited boyfriend. so, now I'm somewhere over my VAIN BEAU.
But, this was like my third loser. . . so it seems I've PICKED my HEELS
three times!

I dated a hypnotist from ARID ZONA and there was no DROUGHT about it I
was under his DRY SPELL. He treated me like a NIMBUS CELL. I hit a
RECORD LOW and my dog was a TOTO basket case! When we broke up I said to
my dog, "Toto, I have a feeling we are not in TRANCES anymore!"

I dated a weatherman named Barry Metric. He was good-looking, FAHRENHEIT
but an ABSOLUTE ZERO. I PREDICTED a STORMY RELATIONSHIP WITH A 50%CHANCE
OF ISOLATED PAIN. Our WHIRLWIND courtship RAN HOT. . . COLD and he
wanted to get CIRRUS. I could feel BARRY METRIC PRESSURE me to marry him
but, he hung out in ISOBARS and drank so many WINES AND CIDERS AND
BEERS, oh my! I said he had problems and he said DEWPOINT them out. I
gave him the third degree which PRECIPITATED our break up.

Lookingback, inRELATIVE HUMILITY, my life hasn't been a BREEZE! Maybe
this was all a dream. You've been an OZsome crowd. . . I bid you all a  DEW!
(By  Tiff Wimberly)

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