Stan Kegel
Fri, 10 May 2002 18:17:02 -0700
PUNS OF THE WEAK: for the week ending 05/10/02
IN THE NEWS:
The White House is seeking a 48 billion dollar increase in defense
spending. The Pentagon will defend every penny of this budget hike. It
desperately needs those three new hammers. (Alan Ray)
HOLIDAY PUNS:
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS." When the librarian asked him if it
was for his mother, he answered no. "Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started
collecting moths last month!" (Bree Schultz)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
What Gay Nineties song was actually about the French government
in the early 1970s?
After de Gaulle (Was Over) (Stan Kegel)
There was a certain period of time in which people drank only fake
orange juice. As this was determined to be a great mistake, it didn't
last long and people went back to drinking real orange juice as well as
other drinks. What was this period of time called?
The Hi-C Error (Gary Hallock)
Years ago, scientists developed artificial sugars and in more recent
years artificial fat. In 1999, scientists invented artificial
spaghetti. What was the brand name?
Impasta (By Cynthia MacGregor)
In the old days when I took my daughter to TGIFriday's for her birthday,
they would attach several balloons to her hair that would cause her
locks to float in the air. This year I found a charge for $2.50 for the
balloons on my bill. What was their excuse for this charge?
Inflation (Stan Kegel)
When a retired platform speaker begins to reminisce nostalgically about
The good old dias (Gary Hallock)
What does Thor wear under his armor?
Thunderwear (Tiff Wimberly)
What do you call a medical specialist who removes gangrenous apendages
from French fries?
An ampu-tater (By Gary Hallock)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What insect curses in a quiet voice?
A locust (Lederer & Ertner)
Who is the principal doctor in a fish hospital?
The chief lobstertrician (Lederer & Ertner)
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine. (Bree Schultz)
What do you call a chicken boxer?
A bantamweight. (Lederer & Ertner)
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all its uncles were ants. (Syman Hirsch)
What type of race does a female horse enter?
A mare-thon (Lederer & Ertner)
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast. (Ladyhawke)
Why are moles such uninteresting company?
Because they are always boring. (Lederer & Ertner)
DEFINITIONS:
Identification: Owning up to being the one who put that ding in the
other car (Cynthia MacGregor)
Pioneers: What you get in a dessert food fight (Bree Schultz)
Independant: The picture in your locket (Stan Kegel)
Istanbul: Answer to the question "What is the light brown horned
animal?" (Ken Pinkham)
Iowa: The amount on bottom line of your IRS 1040 form. (Gary Hallock)
Insist: Swollowed by my female sibling (Stan Kegel)
Island: What I do after a successful plane trip. (Gary Hallock)
Insider: Where the cinnamon stick is found relevant to an alcoholic
apple drink (Cynthia MacGregor)
Invent: The best way to get fresh air into your car. (Gary Hallock)
Incongruous: Sitting in the Senate or House (Cynthia MacGregor)
Internet: Where fish are caught by commercial fishermen (Stan Kegel)
Prison: the place you'd go only in a pinch (Michael Driscoll)
Information: Pattern of flight of migrating ducks. (Stan Kegel)
Ideal: Because I shuffled last time. (Gary Hallock)
Infantry: A sapling (Stan Kegel)
Icon: My name is Harold Hill (Cynthia MacGregor)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"Your turkey dressing recipe belongs in a championship recipe book,"
said Tom sagely. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm going to wind up moving from this hurricane area," Tom decided
disgustedly. (S M Bush)
"I'll see you," said Tom to Mary as he laid down four aces in a game of
strip poker. (Gill Krebs)
"This flourless crust does not require vigorous mixing," Tom said
needlessly. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm delighted to announce we have reached our fund-raising goal," Tom
added summarily. (Stan Kegel)
"There's no hope we'll get any dope when the captain looks up the
periscope," said Tom subversively. (Gill Krebs)
"These pastries are even better if you rewarm them before serving," Tom
retorted. (Stan Kegel)
"Look at that monster's sandals!" said Tom in a thing-thong voice. (Gill
Krebs)
" I do not have a multiple personality disorder", said Tom, trying to be
frank. (Mark Israel)
"The pH of this solution is just 3.5", said Tom half-assedly. (Mark Israel)
"This year we're planting only roses and mums," Tom remarked
lackadaisically. (Stan Kegel)
"This year, I'm retrofitting my retread business," Tom said retiringly.
(G. Cerling)
BLOOPERS:
Sign above a dryer in a coin laundry: “When the light goes on, please
remove all your clothes” (Frank Stewart)
The sun is a natural source of ultraviolent rays. (Richard Lederer)
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. (Rodney & Cathy)
Headline: Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (Randall Woodman
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the
side entrance. (Rodney & Cathy)
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
(Richard Lederer)
Headline: Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge (Randall Woodman)
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir. (Rodney & Cathy)
Ushers will eat latecomers. (Rodney & Cathy)
Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help (Funnybone)
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
POETRY
If the spring bird cries
Before the last snow melts, you're in
For a big sap rise
(John S. Crosbie)
In our youthful slacks
Thoughts of love made us tense. Now
old, lotus relax.
(John S. Crosbie)
My Koala named Mercer is trained
To serve crumpets and tea, I explained
Tasting leaves in my cup
I explained, standing up
The Koala tea of Mercer’s not strained.
(Ms. Kitty)
All the guests at the animal fair
Had to dress up before they went there.
My friend Billy Brian
Dressed up like a lion
But I went in the nude, as a bear.
(Lederer & Ertner)
A cheerleader from Milpitas
Who was in love with coitus
Met a fullback from State
Who made her period late
So she now has Athlete's Fetus
(Ms. Kitty)
If you cannot keep
A tune, you are headed for
The choir's discord heap.
(John S. Crosbie)
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Thoreau
Thoreau who?
Thoreau down your arms and surrender
(Danny Perry)
DAILIES:
Politics only serve to make the future moron-certain. (Pun of the Day)
A cop with a radar gun turns into a speed reader. (Jumble)
When the oncoming car kept its brights on, the motorist took a dim view. (Jumble)
When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block (Pun of the Day)
Artists know where to draw the line (Pun of the Day)
He became a phone solicitor because it was a calling. (Jumble)
This prehistoric legend—designed to cloak the real or state of affairs—
has no basis in fact. Its storyteller must have had some reason to
create the pretext. (The Big Pun)
The inventor of sandpaper had a rough time of it. (Pun of the Day)
Dentists don't like a hard day at the orifice (Pun of the Day)
His outlay to the dentist paid for his inlay. (Jumble)
"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"
"You're joking!?" "Nope, I wooden kid you!" (Very Punny)
The book's intriguing plot masked the fact that it's young writer had
little knowledge of the elements of writing that denote past, present,
and future. Don't be fooled by false pretenses. (The Big Pun)
If money talks, why do we need bank tellers (Pun of the Day)
When a rich man bought a car he had nothing to chauffeur it (Pun of the Day)
When she got a mud facial, she ended up with a lot of dirt. (Jumble)
The chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide (Pun of the Day)
When they attended the popular sad opera they found it tier-full. (Jumble)
Parson: “So, I’ve brought religion into your life?” Parson’s wife: “Yes,
I never believed in Hell until I married you!” (Original Jokes & Puns)
Pornographers normally find alternatives for matches. For, instance,
know that Larry flints. (The Big Pun)
COMICS
“Have you seen that new TV show about funeral directors?” “Yeah, they
stole my idea.” “What was your show called?” “ ‘Five Feet Under” but
they said it wasn’t deep enough.” (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Doctor talking to patient: “You suffer from motion sickness and lactose
intolerance. Try to avoid milkshakes.” (Courtland Forum)
When I was in Paris, I worked on the official car of that city’s most
famous cathedral. You know, . . . The Hatchback of Notre Dame. (Shoe:
Cassatt & Brookins)
What did one golfer say to the other golfer?
“Read any good greens lately?” (Peanuts: Charles Schulz)
ONE-LINERS:
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left. (Bree Schultz)
He spends half his time trying to be witty. You might say he's a
half-wit. (Ruth S Oshins)
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. (DogByte)
House without toilet is uncanny (Bree Schultz).
I never make fun court-centered debating tournaments, but I've been
known to mock trial. (Gill Krebs)
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye. (Ruth S Oshins)
I enrolled in a class that guaranteed to improve my vision without
surgery but quit because there were just too many pupils. (Stan Kegel)
I was once swimming in a lake near Las Vegas. I started to drown but was
saved by a Quaker. I guess a Friend in Meade is a Friend indeed. (Sgt Snorkel)
Archiologists will date any old thing. (Bree Schultz)
The house was spotless because the dog died. (Lederer & Ertner)
The congressman’s bill to undermine public housing brought down the
house. (Cryptograms)
A big-game hunter today is a fellow who switches channels all Sunday
afternoon during football season. (Beckie Shiles)
My wife went to cooking school; she majored in defrosting. She has the
best meals you ever thaw. (Bree Schultz)
Difficulty with data entry can be a terminal condition. (Richard Adams)
To make an egg roll, push it. (Bree Schultz)
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. (Ruth S Oshins)
The amputee robber removed his prosthesis to show us he was unarmed.
(David Reihmer)
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"
(Lederer & Ertner)
If people ever make a robotic parking attendant, I figure its name
could be silicon valet. (Douglas Helsel)
Homeowner to TV repairman: "It goes out so often I call it 'Old Fadeful'
" (Becky Shiles)
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
He's a psychoceramic, a cracked pot. (Ruth S Oshins)
Amtrak derailments are up. The company is trying to put a positive spin
on the situation. The gambling car now features off-track betting. (Alan Ray)
After a pilot parachuted from a plane and landed in a cannibal's pot,
the cannibal said, "There's a flier in my soup!" (Lederer & Ertner)
People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You might have a
heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.(Beckie Shiles)
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's. (Caboom)
Have you heard about the three sailors who were walking along the beach?
A wave came along and sucked them under the boardwalk. (Mike Rogers)
He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double
crosser. (Bree Schultz)
When my twin sons ever get bored of introducing each other as one
another's twin, they can always say, "He is my significant brother."
(Daily Detour)
The leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is a Japanese firm that
now calls itself Genital Electric?
It was reported in today's news that some frosty orange drinks were
stolen. The police suspect it is the work of a Julius seizer. (Ruth S Oshins)
In 1890 The first infant stroller was made. Some babies got a little
buggy. (Daryl Stout)
It's her second marriage and now she has a new louse on life. (Louis
Safian)
LONGER PUNS:
A polar bear lumbers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a
gin and . . . . . . . . . . . tonic." The bartender says, "Why the long
pause?" The bear replies, "I don't know. I've always had them.."
(Lederer & Ertner)
"I really don't know how the quarrel started," my Dad was telling me.
"When I walked into the kitchen, your Mom was trying to hammer a nail
using the back of a scrub brush, and all I said was, 'Darling, you
really must get something harder. Why don't you use your head?'" (Bree Schultz)
After listening to Richard Lederer's entertaining, but scholarly talks,
I was prompted to write the definite history of the use of
sentence-closing punctuation. In time I realized it would be just
another period piece. (Alan B. Combs)
A grasshopper pops into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, you have a
drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a
drink named Clarence?" (Lederer & Ertner)
A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time,
because all it does is eat grass. He also has a favourite tool, his
wrench, which he uses all the time. One day He looses the wrench. He
looks every where for it but can't find it. The dog gets out, eats all
his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench. The man
starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweat the hound, that saved a wrench
for me". (LAB)
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I can't serve you!"
"Why not?" asked the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold
your liquor. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he
never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his
therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was
unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll
just have to be a little boulder!" (Douglas Helsel)
One night a father was helping hid son with his homework. The father
asked, “What is the Gross National Producct.” The little boy pondered
for a minute and replied, “Brocholi?” (Alli Byler)
The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for
looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son
of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and
he worked occasionally as a farmer In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin',
flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
(Bob Levi)
Two boll weevils left Alabama and tried to make it big in New York City.
The first boll weevil lied, cheated and murdered his way to the top of a
major corporation. The second one only lied and cheated and as a result
managed only to become a vice president in that corporation. It was the
lesser of two weevils. (Danny Perry)
Did you hear about the farmer who bred bulls and transported them all
over the globe. Today he's the biggest bull shipper in the world.
(Lederer & Ertner)
In Saudi Arabia, an Arab sheik fell off a carnival merry-go-round. Hard
as you may find it to believe, he was promptly gobbled up by the second
of three hungry sheep. The carnival owner shook the sheep and said
"Middle lamb, you've had a dizzy Bey." (Gill Krebs)
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!" (Marty D.)
Many of the animals on the ark had offspring by the end of the trip.
Which means that Moses was the first man to have bred his cast upon the
waters. (Lederer & Ertner)
Once, while driving around in His pickup with his pet donkey in the
back, Bill discovered he had a flat tire. He got out and had the donkey
stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck. A passing farmer
asked, "Hey, that's a pretty clever trick. How did you teach your donkey
to lift the truck?" "Its a simple matter of the breed; this is a jack
ass!" (Marty D.)
FOR THE CHILDREN:
What do you call a stolen egg?
Poached (The Daily Groaner)
How does a train sneeze?
“Ah choo-choo” (April, 8)
What do you get when you have 324 blueberries trying to get through the
same door?
A blueberry jam (Oscar, 11)
Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?
Because he’s a pain in the neck. (Daily Groaner)
How do you unlock a haunted house?
With a skeleton key. (Daily Groaner)
What is a camel without humps called?
Humphrey (Kari, 12)
Why did the clock always win the race?
Because it always ran fast (Tiffany, 9)
Why couldn’t the peanut butter cross the road?
Because there was a traffic jam. (Samuel, 10)
Why did the pony have a sore throat?
Because he was a little horse. (The Daily Groaner)
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted. (Harold Clark)
What animals are poor dancers?
Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet. (Syman Hirsch)
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks (The Daily Groaner)
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
An animal that can milk itself (Lederer & Ertner)
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten. (Ladyhawke)
Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
Sunday. Monday is a weekday. (Syman Hirsch)
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims! (The Daily Groaner)
What musical instrument can’t be trusted?
A Lyre (Kyle, 10)
Where do flowers sleep?
In a flower bed (Jose, 9)
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a racehorse?
A hen that lays odds. (Lederer & Ertner)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for
years, and I keep having the same sex. (Paul Croft)
What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A hunting dog sics a duck. (Richard Lederer)
What is all wrinkled and hangs out your underpants?
Your mother (Dogbyte)
What happens when two gay judges get together?
They try each other (LOL)
“When my sugar daddy dies I inherit the whole lot. It is in his last
will and testicles.” “You mean testament.” “No, I’ve got him by the
balls.” (Caboom)
A student essay stated: "The girl tumbled down the stairs and lay
prostitute at the bottom." In the margin of the paper, the professor
commented: "My dear sir, you must learn to distinguish between a fallen
woman and one who has merely slipped. (Richard Lederer)
Seven dwarfs sat in the tub, feeling Happy. Then Happy got out, so they
all felt Grumpy. (Biker Lynn)
"Hey!" cried the girl to her boyfriend. "When are you going to take me
on that trip to Florida you've been promising me?" "Ah never promised
you a trip to Florida," drawled her boyfriend. "Ah just said Ah was
goin' to tampa with you." (Amy's Antics)
One robin does not make a summer,, but one lark is often the cause for a
fall (Lederer & Ertner)
The father was fuming and berated his son for being expelled from his
alma mater, a prestigious military academy. "They wouldn't have caught
me at all." simpered the gay cadet "If I hadn't attempted to switch
Majors." (Gag-O-Matic)
What do you call a blind rabbit sitting on your face?
An unsightly-facial-hare. (William Brabant)
What's the difference between a razor factory in England and what a
stacked woman is built like?
A razor factory in England is a Brit Schickhouse. (Richard Lederer)
I love oral sex. It’s the phone bill I hate. (E4Fun)
She was only a pirate's daughter, and she had a sunken chest. (Richard Lederer)
So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner. (E4Fun)
What's the difference between a religious cultist and a fat whore?
A religious cultist is a holy roller (Richard Lederer)
She was only a dentist's daughter but everyone wanted to fill her
cavity. (Richard Lederer)
What did the hurricane said to the palm tree?
Hold onto your nuts! This is no ordinary blow job! (William Brabant)
A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen
behind on her bills. "All right, lady," said the bill collector, "how
about the next installment on that couch?" The lady shrugged. "I guess
that's better than having to give you money."(Laff A Day)
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance. (Richard Lederer)
What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip. (Caboom)
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down
toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this
stool taken?" (Paul Croft)
What’s the difference between a fish and a horny bear?
A fish mucks around a fountain. (Richard Lederer)
Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next
spring. (Marty D.)
What do you call a blonde who can't find the string to her tampon?
A cotton picker (Bad Humor)
How did the priest contact AIDS?
He was doing hymns in the rectory and forgot to cover his organ. (Biker Lynn)
Then there was the couple that got married and was happy about the whole
thing. He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing. (Caboom)
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff
you pay good money for in later life. (Emo Philips)
Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology?
She blows your mind. (B W Jokes)
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