[xChange] "Allergy" & "A Sermon"

[Stan Kegel]

2002 O Henry Punoff 05/04/02, Austin, Texas

Carlotta Stankiewitcz and Jim Hahn tied for third place in the 2002
Punniest of Show competition, each receiving 2 9s and 2 8s for a total
of 34 points. 

====

Here is Carlotta Stankiewicz’s entry:

Even if you're new to Austin, you've probably noticed all the
CONGESTION: It's awful. In fact, it's aPOLLEN.. If you suffer like I do,
you probably get the ALLERGIST of what I'm saying. You know what
springtime has in SPORE for us.

The thing is, HIVES seen a doctor. He said, ALLERGY whiz, look ACHOO!

It's not just me, I said. It's my whole family. You can CEDAR FEVER
rising every day. And my sister, Hista, refuses to share her medicine
with my kids. They say, "ANTIHISTAMINE."

So doc, I said, We're SUDAFED up, we'd TISSUE if you found a cure. Just
ASTHMA husband. RAGWEED take anything to MUCOUS feel better-just SINUS up!

I even got down on my SNEEZE.

So he gave me something he said would CLARITIN a few hours.

I thought, it DUST MITE work. But now I NOSE he was pulling my ALLEGRA.

Sometimes I feel like saying, "HAY FEVER! Go PECAN someone your own
size! I'm MOLD and tired AFRIN all these years."

But ELM not gonna let it get to me. I'm going home to play SNIFFLEball
with the kids, grill up some hamBOOGERS, kick back and take it SNEEZY.

Thanks for listening- it's BENADRY. Hope I didn't BLOW it. Make sure you
give all DECONGESTANTS a hand.

Because you might think getting up here's easy but it's SNOT,

(By Carlotta Stankiewicz)

=====

 Here is Jim Hahn’s entry:

Halo, and welcome to Survival Revival. My name's Pastor Present. Today
I'm preaching about Satan; I'll tell you, my friends we're all "Marching
to Purgatoria."

In the beginning, you could tell something was Eden on that
snake-in-the-grass! Didn't give Adam about anything, Eve-n when he was
Abel to raise a little ... Cain here and there. But Old Scratch was
itching to achieve great blas-phame and fortune. When he came faith to
faith with a-men of good character, he wouldn't take Noah for an answer.
Wasn't his "ark-chetype of a guy."

Now God didn't let the world fiend for itself, He launched a Promising
Land venture with a guy named Aber, hamming it up down somewhere between
modern-day Iraq and a hard place. "Abe -- I make you my chosen people,
because Jew are a cut above the average!" That was about the circumcise
of it, but how Beelze-bubbled with rage!

Later, he tried a-Nile-ating the Hebrew slaves. Moses was a virtual
basket-case that Pharaoh was foul and foul was Pharaoh. E-gypt Is-real
bad, which the Man Upstairs wasn't about to lightly Passover. He broke
up that little pyramid scheme, and then after sending the Jews running
for the emergency exodus -- everything was kosher.

If Satan shook his Faust at a good man once, he did it a millennium
times! Remember King David? Got him into hot water just for taking a
warm Bath -- sheba! King Solomon? Made him completely lose his temple.
Jonah? Whale, that drop in prophet was hard to swallow! ClearIy Satin's
Sodom-ination of the world like there was no Gomorrah.

Now -- you're thinking: What Arma-you-geddon so worried about? Well,
friend, read my apocalips: the End is near. 1-for-an-eye kid you not.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, it's time to reprint.

This may seem like hell-fire to you now, but remember: this is only a
warming! Imagine everlasting PUN-ishment! For heaven's sake, don't play
idol games, 'cause if you gamble with a Para-dise, you'll Lucifer-ever
your soul.

God bless and ... Hallelu-y'all!

(By  Jim Hahn)

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