Stan Kegel
Sat, 31 Aug 2002 01:11:15 -0700
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PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 08/30/02
IN THE NEWS:
Jeffrey Skilling has married another former Enron executive in a private
ceremony. The wedding had all the traditional trappings. The "something
borrowed" was employee pension money. (Alan Ray)
This morning I heard a public service announcement on the radio "August
is National Breastfeeding Awareness month. Such'n'so organization will
hold a demonstration this morning on the steps of the state capitol."
I'm sure they'll have a pretty good turn out. I wish I had a nipple for
every pun this story inspires. We're probably Infamil-lions of 'em. Even
though it seems like areola-y good topic, it might just suck. (Gary Hallock)
Louisiana State Sen. Jay Dardenne is against using $6 million in
boll-weevil-eradication money to combat Formosan termites in New
Orleans. "If we don't get rid of the boll weevil, we will be wearing
polyester all the time," he said of the insect that destroys cotton. "I
hope by the end of the session we can look back and say we see no
weevil, hear no weevil and speak no weevil." (New Orleans Times)
PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:
How is a drama teacher like an obsolete form of public transportation?
They are both stage coaches (Stan Kegel)
When arrested as a Peeping Tom at the girl's dorm, what excuse did the
graduate student offer?
His graduate advisor had suggest that he study abroad this semester.
(Ken Pinkham)
Why is approaching a northern sea bird ungainly?
It would be auk-ward (Lars Hanson)
What could you say about a botany professor who spent his sabbatical
studying the foliage of sagebrush and wormwood. He took a leaf of
absinthe (Stan Kegel)
What sort of sexually transmitted disease might you inherit from your
cannon fodder?
Gunnery-A (Gary Hallock)
What do sing along machines in nightclubs have in common with the Tulsa
Municipal Bus Line?
They both carry Okies (Ken Pinkham)
What World War II weapon was invented by a singing cowboy movie star?
A Tom Mix Bomb (Stan Kegel)
OTHER RIDDLES:
What do you call a giraffe's family reunion?
Necks of kin (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a row of 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line (Lorraine A. Bellis)
Mary went to an antiques store and bought a small, old-fashioned,
kerosene lantern. But when she got it home, she found it infested with
small albino insects that had recently vacated their former home on a
feline. So what did Mary actually have?
Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Why was the gambler hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack? He
was hedging his bets (Lederer & Ertner)
DEFINITIONS:
Mutant: Mother's sister after her stroke (Stan Kegel)
Saturnine: Baseball team that plays on weekends (William Safire)
Ball Joint: Men's penitentiary (Lexicon)..
Intestinal Flu: Pilot licence exam (Stan Kegel)
Hospital: Where you might wind up if you get run down (Michael Driscoll)
Biology: Study of shopping habits (Ubaldo)
Hairdresser's: A place where some women go to dye. (Geoff Tibballs)
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants. (Lexicon).
Lumbar Puncture: To drill holes in boards (Stan Kegel)
Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear (Bree Schultz)
Hotel: A place you give good dollars for bad quarters. (Marsha Coleman)
Antecedent: My mother's sister noticed I had damaged her car. (Lars Hanson)
Munchkin: What cannibals do to relatives (Bree Schultz)
Nurse: A pan handler. (Cascade Express)
TOM SWIFTIES:
"Only twelve of our twenty cows were in the barn, so I couldn't begin
the milking. We still lacked eight," Tom uttered. (Lederer & Ertner)
"I put my luggage in the overhead bin and under the seat in front of
me," Tom said, carrying on. (M. I. E.)
“I know I can’t have anything orally, but please don’t stick that needle
in me to feed me,” Tom pleaded in vain. (Stan Kegel)
"I will drive much more carefully," Tom said recklessly, "and pay off
all my parking tickets," he added finely. (Rich)
"It's all coming back to me now," said Tom as he spit into the wind.
(Stan Kegel)
"Of course I can make armor out of chains," Tom replied by mail. (Gill Krebs)
"Did you let him use your pick-up to deliver the furniture," Tom asked
truculently. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm going to press the shirt that has the picture of President
Coolidge," said Tom ironically. (Conrad L. Macina)
"His Honor is crazy!" Admitted Tom judgementally. (Henry Brender)
"My new European clothes are waiting for me at the dock," Tom said,
importantly. (Stan Kegel)
"I'll be able to see the future in this fog," Tom said optimystically.
(Uncle Joe)
"My dog will only eat cantaloupes," was Tom's melancholy complaint.
(Gill Krebs)
BLOOPERS:
Please note that a 3-year-old teacher is needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred. (Rodney & Cathy)
A federal grand jury has accused 3 women identified by the IRS as
topless go-go dancers of concealing their assets. (Richard Lederer)
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to
bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. (Rodney & Cathy)
Newscaster: It appears that sympathetic unions will not cross picnic
lines . . . picket lines (Kermit Schafer)
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. (Bree Schultz)
Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented. (Richard Lederer)
We are especially thankful that when Sister Dora was At Death's Door,
The Lord and her Doctors pulled her through. (Rodney & Cathy).
The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was
announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to
correct. (Richard Lederer)
POETRY
Two young braves took an ocean
To sail their boat to sea
They did not know for shore which one
Pacific they'd not be
But wanderlust had caught them.
They may be sailing yet
Their daddy never thought he'd see
Red sons in the sail set (Gary Hallock)
Game designer of
Monopoly thought of it
During a bored walk (Guy Ben Moshe)
My boss is a fellow named Sid,
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid.
Just outside his door,
A sign said, "Wet Floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it, and did!
(Ms Kitty)
The government's passed some new laws
Wear gloves when you kneed dough because
All Doughnuts should be
Completely germ free
I guess they're a fried of bare claws (Gary Hallock)
DAILIES:
A man who kept stealing mopeds was obviously a cycle-path. (Pun of the Day)
A shady used car salesman can take a customer for a ride. (Jumble)
The theater audience considered the laser show light drama. (Jumble)
Never store a wrench in your shoe. I recommend that you socket. (The Big Pun)
The lazy tailor slacked off a bit. (The Big Pun)
A woman was in love with twenty soldiers. It was platoonic. (Pun of the Day)
Max didn't want to go mountain climbing because he was an anti-climb
Max. (Pun of the Day)
On the weekend, Mom wanted Junior to rise and shine. (Jumble)
Refuse Novocaine... Transcend Dental Medication (Very Punny)
Two cheerleaders got married after they met by chants. (Pun of the Day)
After directing traffic in freezing rain, the cops ended up in hot
pursuit. (Jumble)
Help! The supply of pants is being depleated. (The Big Pun)
Male jogger catching up to an attractive and bouncy female jogger: "My
pace or yours?" (Very Punny)
Clones are people two. (E4Fun)
When the zoo built a monkey house, the crowds grew by leaps and bounds. (Jumble)
COMICS
"Does the senator cater to the left or the right?" "Neither, he's
self-centered." (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
“What a difference 50 years makes, Used to be all I needed was a hip new
joint. Now what I need is a new hip joint. (Ziggy: Tom Wilson)
F & E’s Broncho Busters. No stallions: “If he isn’t fixed, we can’t
break him.” (Frank & Ernest)
ONE-LINERS:
If a Mexican believes that Cheeses Christ is the Son of the Sun God,
then his chants of prayer might sound like this, "Queso Ra-so-Ra!" (Gary Hallock)
In 1915 A macaroni factory opened in New York, but it had to pasta
inspection. (Daryl Stout)
The fifty-first state will be called San Andrea because when southern
California separates from the rest of the mainland it will be San
Andrea's fault. (Stan Kegel)
An undertaker always puts a customer in his place. (Douglas Helsel)
Some people are wise, some are otherwise (Renee from Napa)
Show me a purchasing agent in a cannibal tribe and I'll show you the
head buyer. (Gilbert Krebs)
When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
(Clean Laffs)
A skydiving school is one in which you MUST be a dropout to graduate
(Marsha Coleman)
It was reported in today's news that some frosty orange drinks were
stolen. The police suspect it is the work of a Julius seizer. (Pastor Tim)
In the window of an intimate apparel shop: .Just like the government, we
give aid to under-developed areas. (Bree Schultz)
I'm confused about the dress code. Would a tuxedo be suitable? (Mike Moscony)
They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cell
phone...she was charged with driving while intalksicated. (Marsha Coleman)
The Third Annual Adam Smith Carnival was staffed by a group of idlers.
What a lazy fair!(Daniel Reihs)
In 1868 The first dressmaker's shop opened, and it seamed to do well.
(Daryl Stout)
Mothers who use breast pumps are good at expressing themselves. (Karen Hamilton)
Puberty is a hair raising experience. (M Leger)
I started making home-made beer. I guess it is bear beer, because it's
still bruin. (Sgt. Snorkel)
In 1909 The first magician appeared on stage. He was so bad, he made the
audience disappear. (Daryl Stout)
I plead contemporary insanity. (Douglas Helsel)
He's a retired actor from Richmond. A Virginia Ham. (Syman Hirsch)
No question about it. Adolph Hitler created a terrible fuhrer. (Richard Lederer)
The Chinese emperoress was devastated when she realized that her husband
had left to live with his new lover in Laramie. She cried: "Why? Oh, Ming!"(Malte)
Upon removal of his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell defeat. (Mr. G.)
Two weathermen on assignment at the coast each broke an arm and a leg in
an accident. They called their TV station from the hospital about the
four casts. (Marsha Coleman)
That crazy teacher crossed the line when he asked me to give the name of
an eighteenth-century German philosopher. Everyone knows that I Kant.
(Daniel Reihs)
My friends and I always use fruit instead of chips when we play poker.
Last week I won with two pear. (Daniel Reihs)
Why any guy would want a wife is a mystery to me. But why anyone would
want two wives is a bigamistery. (Myrddin)
If one of King Arthur's favorite knights were to open an all-you-can-eat
steakhouse, might he have called it Sirloin's Alot? (Gary Hallock)
Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.
(Anders Henriksson)
"In toto" does not mean Dorothy's dog ate it! (The Pundit)
A turtle makes progress when it sticks its neck out (Richard Lederer)
The cook finally realized he had to find a new line of work. He was
going stir-crazy. (Merlyn)
If you’re wondering why your back is “stiff as a board,” remember this
is your lumbar region. (Al Boliska)
There’s a special animal church for birds of pray. (Leonard Cobey)
Ad for hotel workers: Help! We need inn-experienced people (Marsha Coleman)
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of
himself. (Douglas Helsel)
LONGER PUNS:
When she heard there was to be a big dance that night, it made Virginia
Reel happy. She wanted to have John Travolta the dance with her Buddy
Ebsen mindedly forgot to write it on his calendar. Eventually she had
Peggy Flemingo with her and Michael J. Foxtrotted over too. When they
arrived they found Ted Danson already. They also watched Tony Danza bit
but there was a guy named Joseph Cotten the rug very awkwardly. Everyone
was a Fred Astaire at him. Because they Cotten-eye Joe, most of them
just looked at the waltz. (Gary Hallock)
Remember the story of the little Dutch boy who was walking along the
dike when he saw a small hole through which water was escaping. He cut
his finger through the hole until workers arrived to repair the dike.
That evening a party was held to celebrate his saving the city and he
was asked to make a speech. He refused. What excuse did he give? I'm
sorry, but I had a hard day at the orifice. (Stan Kegel)
I was shopping with a friend and he decided to buy some boxer shorts
without warning me first. When he was up at the counter, I started
making comments like "Can you make this brief? I'm kinda tight on time."
It was great to see the priceless look of embarassment on his face.
(Phil Hampton)
A friend was making dolls for her grandchildren. As she was
painstakingly finishing a dimpled knee, the phone rang. "Hi, Mom, what
are you doing?" came a son's cheery <voice.Removing> pins from her
mouth, my friend answered, "Making babies." There was a moment's silence
at the other end. "Oh, ... Is Dad home?" (Reader's Digest)
A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his way
to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?" "1215," answers
the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, "Shooot! Just missed it
by a half hour!" (Lorraine A. Bellis)
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst
themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance,
Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards
around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The
Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy. (Marina)
Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, give me a sentence using the
words, "bitter end" in it. Little Johnny thought for a moment and
replied, "Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end." (Clean Cut Jokes)
I just finished totally redecorating one of the bathrooms in our house.
I chose a palm tree lined border because I think palms are handsome. I
was thinking about buying some decor to accent the theme of the bathroom
but then I got to thinking with fronds like these who needs amenities.
(Tiffany Wimberly)
A man was stealing bricks to build a new rectory for the priest. He
almost had it finished when the father found out and insisted it be torn
to the ground and started over giving only as his reason "Better an
honest defeat, than a dishonest vickery." (Brad Williams)
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The very next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new
parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his
new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think
we will name him Sum Ting Wong." (Adult Jokes 4U)
A new recruit from Kansas was sent to Honolulu and was enraptured by the
supple hula dancers he encountered there. He wrote to his father, "I've
got to tell you, Dad, that those girls sure know how to shake hay while
the son pines!" (Beckie Shiles)
One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father
asked "What is the Gross National Product?" His son pondered for a
minute and replied, "Spinach?" (Daily Detour)
There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her
intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught them.
After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate, when by
chance, she happened to read about an animal activist who would paint
bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape from their
owners. However, when the daughter called up the activist, he told her,.
"I stain bulls, not constant elopers." (By Zan Tium)
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the
Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she
took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the
finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the
processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to
console her, said don't worry, “Someday your prints will come.” (Archives)
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in Southern
California, I usually wear several items to protect myself, including
safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat. One day as I walked into our
shop at lunchtime, a co-worker called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"
(Readers Digest)
Did you hear about the guy who was in love with two women and couldn't
decide which of them to marry? He went to a marriage counselor and the
counselor asked him to describe his two loves. The confused guy said,
'One girl is a great poet and the other makes delicious pancakes.'
'Oh,' said the counselor, 'I see what the problem is. You can't decide
whether to marry for batter or verse.' (Rudie S. Via)
The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George
had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was
always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six- pack of beer,
pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to
be caught with the loot still on <him.Before> sentencing George, the
judge decided to try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should
be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George. George answered, "No
man should be ashamed of his convictions." (By Stan Kegel)
JEST FOR KIDS:
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
One with a stiff neck (Lederer & Ertner)
How do germs in your nose exercise?
They run (Jullian, 7)
What did the big toe say to the little toe?
"There's a big heel following us." (Kid's Jokes)
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt! (Sam, 4)
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together (Archives)
What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride?
"Whoa!" (Rich, 6)
Why is it a bad idea to tell jokes while ice skating?
Because the ice may crack up. (Daily Groaner)
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone without dressing (Daily Groaner)
Why do watermelons have so much water in them
Because they're planted in the spring (Daily Groaner)
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
Because he had no body to dance with. (Luis, 10)
Why was the elephant the last animal to leave the ark?
Because it had to pack its trunk (Monica, 10)
Why did the kid have an ice cream sundae?
Because the banana split (Joseph, 10)
Why do spiders do so well in computer class?
They love the web. (Syman Hirsch)
Did you hear about the hold-up in the yard?
Two clothespins held up a pair of pants. (Andrew, 11)
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I
'll deal with you later (Archives).
Why did the tightrope walker always carry his bank book?
In order to check his balance. (Stan Kegel)
What do you call a baby bird that takes after its father?
A chirp off the ol' beak. (Syman Hirsch)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan (Pastor Tim)
Why did the little girl eat bullets?
She wanted her hair to grow in bangs (Kid's Jokes).
What do you call a king's sore throat?
A royal pain in the neck. (Syman Hirsch)
What did the pet termite eat?
Table snacks (Lederer & Ertner)
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. (Archives)
What did one comet say to the other comet?
Glad to meteor. (Daily Groaner)
What did the cork say to the bottle?
"If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you." (Traci, 13)
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
(Douglas Helsel)
What do you get when you cross a canary with a cat?
A Peeping Tom (Lederer & Ertner)
How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
Because it waves. (Kimberly, 6)
What happens when bananas stay too long in the sun?
They begin to peal. (Stan Kegel)
How long is a shoe box?
About a foot (Steven, 9)
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render (Daily Groaner)
What kind of sandwich is Dracula afraid of?
A Stake sandwich (Daily Groaner)
A kindergarten teacher has to know how to make the little things count.
(Henny Youngman)
A lady was going to Disneyland. She saw a sign that said, “Disneyland
Left.” So she turned around and went home. (Sophia)
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights (Stan Kegel)
How can a pitcher win a game without throwing a ball?
He only throws strikes. (Syman Hirsch)
“Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he's a computer”.
“Well, bring him in so I can cure him.”
“I can't. I need to use him to finish my homework.” (Robert, 12)
Did you hear about the snake that caught a cold?
It adder viper nose. (Lederer & Ertner)
How did the farmer fix his jeans?
With a cabbage patch! (Kids Jokes)
What did the egg in the monastery say?
Oh, well. Out of the frying pan and into the friar. (Geoff Tibballs)
Why do witches need name tags?
To tell which witch is which (Kevin, 9)
What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert?
A pork chop (James, 10)
FOR ADULTS ONLY:
Did you hear about the Roman fighter with hair in his teeth?
He was gladiator. (Richard Lederer
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float. (Terra Firma)
Let me assure you that sex over sixty can indeed be both deadly and very
dangerous,. I strongly recommend pulling over to the curb first! (Lloyd)
What does an 80 year old woman taste like?
Depends! (Red)
Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?
His name was Rumpled Foreskin. (Richard Lederer)
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. (Erik Hopkins)
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. (Terra Firma)
Stop masturbating. A bird in the hand seldom gets into the bush
(Unladylike Laughs)
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for, she's going to eat me next! (Paul Croft)
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's
neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the
inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once
more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes
sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife." (Joke Nite)
Have you heard about the nymphomaniac dieter?
She was weighed in the balance and found wanton. (Richard Lederer)
A passionate kiss is like a spider web. It leads to the undoing of the
fly. (Quickies)
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" (Terra Firma)
An old lady who never married specified in her will that her tombstone
say, "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin." That was too many
words to put on the stone so they just wrote,"Returned unopened."
(Piggly Wiggly)
What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A Chin Rest! (Patricia)
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem? (Dustin Hoffman)
When I worked for the laundry, I would go daily to the convent to ask
the sisters if they had any dirty habits. (Stan Kegel)
Two Dallas women opened a theater that showed only scary movies. It was
the best little horror house in Texas. (Richard Lederer)
Enough is enough, unless, of course, you're a nymphomaniac! (Hershy)
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the
middle of the night.
5 percent said it was to get a glass of water,
12 percent said it was to go to the toilet,
83 percent said it was to go home.
(Gag-O-Matic)
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck. (Alan B. Combs)
During the burning of Rome, the Emperor Nero engaged in a wild sex orgy,
frequently stopping to urinate. You could say that Nero diddled, piddled
and fiddled while Rome burned. (Richard Lederer)
Become an amateur gynecologist. Look up a friend today. (Gill Krebs)
A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go. (DogByte)
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement. (Harold Clark)
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a
rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the
crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another
rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their
arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a
minute, a third asked, "Did you, you know, eat their 'things'?" The
chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. No," replied the Chief, ...
"Things go better with Coke." (Archives)
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