http://www.altmuslimah.com/a/b/a/what_the_muslim_world_can_teach_us_about_female_sexuality/
SEXUALITY
What the Muslim world can teach us about female sexuality
BY RABEA CHAUDHRY, FEBRUARY 10, 2010
Western and Eastern authors have historically painted a picture of the
Muslim world as one in which the sexuality of Muslim women flourishes
behind closed doors. It seems that in these secluded spaces a secret
is passed from generation of women to generation of women about how to
actively create a vibrant sexuality within the private sphere. In
light of the public-private distinction that is the essence of this
sexual presence, I often wonder about the health of Muslim women’s
sexuality here in America, where the social distinctions between
private and public are disappearing in the face of reality television
shows and social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook.
Many American Muslim women endorse the same public-private distinction
found in the Muslim world, but where can these women turn to develop
and explore their sexuality here in America? Given the growing trend
to abolish personal boundaries with ever-invasive social media and the
holistic integration of the sexes, there is an essential lack of
established women-only spaces for American Muslim women. To qualify, I
am not condoning or celebrating forced gender segregation. In fact,
the idea of Muslim women’s sexuality thriving in private is not a
phenomenon exclusive to countries that impose strict gender
segregation. Both Naomi Wolf and Fatima Mernissi have written about
the vibrant, private sexuality of the women of Jordan, Egypt, and
Morocco – all countries where women enjoy relative freedom of
mobility. From their accounts, I deduce that this sexuality exists
away from the public eye at least in part because these women choose
to keep sexuality alive and healthy where it is considered most
appropriate – in private.
These private spaces are distinct from what many American Muslim women
often think of when they hear the words “female-only spaces;” I am not
talking about women’s sections in mosques. In fact, I believe that the
full partitioning off of the sexes in religious centers promotes
unhealthy gender relations and prevents women from becoming
functioning members of our religious community. The private spaces
referred to in this article are instead institutionalized social
spaces in which women are free to explore all aspects of their
identity – defining their sexuality as part and parcel of their
vulnerability and even spirituality. And, as a further note of
clarification, these private spaces are not the over-sexualized harems
that often show up in Hollywood movies; they are places where women
can form an identity, embrace the beauty of being a woman without
feeling pressured to starve their way to a size zero, learn from and
support one another, and flourish among other women.
Without the appropriate private spaces to develop their sexuality,
women are notably at risk because female sexuality can easily
transform from a source of a woman’s power to a source of emotional
weakness. Here in America, the pervasiveness of blatant, public
sexuality has resulted in female sexuality becoming incredibly
accessible and attainable. With no shortage of supply, American men
are now able to dictate the terms of their access to female sexuality.
One such example is the rise of casual sex – an incredibly
male-centric view of sex and pleasure, especially given that women are
predisposed to suffer more emotionally from casual sex because of the
higher amounts of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, that they release
during physical intimacy. “Women are still more vulnerable than men,
and while many women have embraced a casual sex ethic, they often
express regret after engaging in casual sex.” Yet more and more
American women have accepted casual sex as an appropriate channeling
of their sexuality because, with the mystery and allure of female
sexuality severely muted by the public nature of American sex, women
have lost the sexual advantage and men’s sexual ideals now dominate
sexual practices. While in the Muslim world, men are so aware of the
power of female sexuality that they, according to Mernissi, possess a
palpable fear of being abandoned by their women, it seems that women
in America are taught to tiptoe around the idea of commitment out of
fear that their men will leave them for greener, less constricting
pastures.
The male-centric sexual mores that dominate American society have
particularly negative consequences for American Muslim women, for whom
casual sex and casual relationships with men are usually not an
option. For these women - both those with and without hijab – the
choice not to expose their sexuality in public spaces can have painful
consequences as they are easily overlooked by American Muslim men as
being too cold and rigid to be approached. If the Muslim world
understands the absence of public female sexuality as testimony to its
vibrant presence in private spaces, in American Muslim communities
this absence is often seen as testament to the fact that American
Muslim women’s sexuality does not exist at all. Furthermore, without
easy access to female sexuality, men of the Muslim world are motivated
to pursue what lies hidden behind the public-private divide according
to the terms dictated by the women they pursue. But here in America,
American Muslim men no longer have to jump through hoops for women’s
affection and can afford to be distracted by the sexiness abound.
Even when an American Muslim woman is able to find a mate, the gnawing
feeling of once being sexually undesired and the accompanying
unfamiliarity with being a sexual being in private spaces can lead to
difficulties in marriage. When a woman is not familiar with the power
of her sexuality, being thrust into the murky waters of marriage,
commitment and family can leave her desperately trying to stay afloat.
While women in the Muslim world seem to be considerably attuned to the
art of using their sexuality to keep a marriage healthy, here in
America, Muslim women lack access to the same collective knowledge
bases and seem naïve as to the secrets of womanhood and intimate
relationships. Growing up in the west, it is hard not to internalize
the Orientalist notion that we are the ones who export progress to the
Muslim world, but I wonder if in this instance, when it comes to
learning about the power of female sexuality and the importance of
developing and harnessing it in private spaces, we Americans might
this time take our cue from the other side of the world.
Rabea Chaudhry is Associate Editor of Altmuslimah. In an effort to
help Muslim women reclaim the private sphere, Rabea is currently
collecting beauty, health, and relationship secrets that were passed
down to Muslim women from their mothers, aunties, and grandmothers. If
you have any to share, please send them to her at
rabea.chaudhry[at]gmail.com.
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