Something to think about on this day of hearts...
Good Morning !
Here is an essay that we think you would like, whether you are already
married or just contemplating.
Twelve Marriage Killers
By James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
My advice to young couples is simply this: Don't permit the possibility of
divorce ( or separation in the local context) to enter your thinking. Even
in moments of great conflict and discouragement, divorce is no solution. It
merely substitutes a new set of miseries for the ones left behind.
Guard your relationship against erosion as though you were defending your
very lives. Yes, you can make it together. Not only can you survive, but
you can keep your love alive if you give it priority in your system of
values.
Any one of the following evils can rip your relationship to shreds if given
a place in your lives:
1. Overcommitment and physical exhaustion
Beware of this danger. It is especially insidious for young couples who are
trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to
college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, and
start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young
couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriage falls
apart. Why wouldn't it? The only time they see each other is when they are
worn out! It is especially dangerous to have the husband vastly
overcommitted and the wife staying home with a preschooler. Her profound
loneliness builds discontent and depression, and we all know where that
leads. You must reserve time for one another if you want to keep your love
alive.
2. Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent
Pay cash for consumable items, or don't buy. Don't spend more for a house
or car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short
trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.
3. Selfishness
There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A
marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is the order
of the day, however, for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each
other to pieces within a period of six weeks. In short, selfishness will
devastate a marriage every time.
4. Interference from in-laws
If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated from the
parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some
mothers (and fathers) to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.
5. Unrealistic expectations
Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks
down primrose lanes, and uninterrupted joy. Counselor Jean Lush believes,
and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of
American women who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of
delivering. The consequent disappointment is an emotional trap. Bring your
expectations in line with reality.
6. Space invaders
I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who
violate the breathing room needed by their partners, quickly suffocating
them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way this
phenomenon manifests itself. Another is low self-esteem, which leads the
insecure spouse to trample the territory of the other. Love must be free
and it must be confident.
7. Alcohol or substance abuse
These are killers, not only of marriages, but also of people. Avoid them
like the plague.
8. Pornography, gambling and other addictions
It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. It
has a tendency to get hooked on destructive behaviors, especially early in
life. During an introductory stage, people think they can play with
enticements such as pornography or gambling and not get hurt. Indeed, many
do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there is a weakness and a
vulnerability that is unknown until too late. Then they become addicted to
something that tears at the fabric of the family.
This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers, but I've made
a 25-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin
in experimentation with a known evil and ultimately end in death-or the
death of a marriage. The restrictions and commandments of Scriptures were
designed to protect us from evil, though it is difficult to believe when we
are young. "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). If we keep our lives
clean and do not permit ourselves to toy with evil, the addictions that
have ravaged humanity can never touch us.
9. Sexual frustration, loneliness, low self-esteem, and the greener grass
of infidelity
A deadly combination!
10. Business failure
It does bad things to men, especially. Their agitation over financial
reverses sometimes sublimates to anger within the family.
11. Business success
It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably in
business. The writer of Proverbs said, "Give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread" (30:8).
12. Getting married too young
Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than twice as
likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19 years of age. Those who
marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in
their 20s. The pressures of adolescence and the stresses of early married
life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.
These are the marriage killers I've seen most often. But in truth, the list
is virtually limitless. All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds
is a small crack in your sidewalk. If you are going to beat the odds and
maintain an intimate long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously.
The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring
you together.
How will you beat the odds? How will you build a solid relationship that
will last until death takes you across the great divide? How will you
include yourselves among that dwindling number of older couples who have
garnered a lifetime of happy memories and experiences? Even after 50 or 60
years, they still look to one another for encouragement and understanding.
Their children have grown up in a stable and loving environment and have no
ugly scars or bitter memories to erase. Their grandchildren need not be
told, delicately, why "Nana and Papa don't live together anymore." Only
love prevails.
That is the way God intended it to be, and it is still possible for you to
achieve. But there is no time to lose. Reinforce the river banks. Brace up
the bulwarks. Bring in the dredges and deepen the bed. Keep the powerful
currents in their proper channels. Only that measure of determination will
preserve the love with which you began, and there is very little in life
that competes with that priority.
Dr. James C Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of Focus on the
Family, a non-profit Christian ministry dedicated to the preservation of
the family.
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