What Makes a Happy Child?
Ten things that you can do to raise a happy person.
By Lorraine Glennon
Ask any expectant or new mother about her aspirations for her baby and
almost invariably she will say something along the lines of "I just want my
child to be happy."
As grown-ups, of course, we know that happiness is often elusive. And a
sunny disposition may have as much to do with nature (the genetic hand
we've been dealt) as with nurture (external circumstances). Even where the
latter is concerned, experts are far more certain about what is not
relevant (such as money) than what is. What happy people do have in common,
say researchers who have studied the subject, are certain key
characteristics, including a good sense of optimism, close family ties,
good friends, a gift for empathizing with others, and the conviction that
their life has meaning.
For a new parent, then, the burning question is "What can I do to increase
the odds that my child will have these things?" Part of the answer is
fairly obvious: Accept your child for who she is, not who you think she
should be. Be attentive to her needs, take her fears seriously, and really
listen when she speaks to you. Above all, make sure she knows that you love
her without qualification.
But these principles, worthy as they are, are somewhat abstract. What a
parent really wants is a concrete way to achieve these ends. While we can't
offer a foolproof recipe for happiness, we have come up with a top-ten list
of not-so-obvious ways to steer your child toward her place in the sun.
1. Tap into tradition.
Whether it's eating dinner together, observing birthdays and holidays, or
reading bedtime stories every night, nothing is more valuable to your
family than establishing rituals and traditions, says William Doherty, PhD,
author of Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times
(Sorin Books, 2000). Capital-T traditions -- lighting Sabbath candles or
making Christmas cookies from a recipe passed down from your
great-grandmother -- are important because they lend meaning to your
child's life, reinforcing the bonds among family members and anchoring her
to something beyond the purely temporal. Equally precious, however, are the
small, seemingly inconsequential customs and rituals that are unique to
your immediate family -- the fact that you order Chinese food on Friday
nights, say, or compose a funny poem for your child's first day of school
each year. The familiarity and predictability of these routines make a
child feel safe.
2. Say it with a song.
Claims that listening to classical music will make your child smarter are
greatly exaggerated, but there is no doubt about music's mood-altering
qualities. In ancient times, music and musical instruments were believed to
have powers that healed both the body and the mind. In modern times,
countless teachers have documented the therapeutic effects of song (in one
1996 study at the University Hospitals of Cleveland, children who listened
to "I've Been Working on the Railroad" while getting an inoculation felt
less pain than those who didn't have music played for them). And most of us
know from everyday experience that a great song lifts our spirits and eases
stress. After all, it's pretty hard to be in a bad mood during a rollicking
rendition of "Old McDonald Had a Farm," especially if the whole family
joins in.
3. Be community minded.
Active participation in your community sends at least two important
messages to your child. When you coach a Little League team, for example,
or pitch in at your preschool's fund-raiser, your child realizes that what
matters to her matters to you. And that gives her confidence a powerful
boost. But on an even more fundamental level, your involvement underscores
the value of community itself. It makes kids feel that they are part of a
larger whole, and that individuals can affect others in a positive way. Not
surprisingly, research has also found a strong correlation between altruism
and happiness, so why not get your child involved in helping others? Take
her along when you volunteer at a local soup kitchen, or join in a
neighborhood cleanup. Even young kids can discover the satisfaction of
giving back.
4. Curb your cynicism.
We live in an age of ironic detachment, so you may not always be aware of
the corrosive effect your flip comments have on your child. Yet a cynical
attitude can take a huge toll on your child's sense of security, a crucial
component of happiness. Kids need to believe that the world is a good place
and that people are basically decent. Never mind that you have concluded
that your child's teacher is an idiot or that your elected officials are
incompetent. When you voice these opinions, you undermine your child's
faith in the people and the institutions around her. As a result, she may
begin to view the world as a scary place.
5. Encourage your child's passions.
Happiness researchers agree that being truly absorbed in a challenging task
is perhaps the surest route to happiness. Being completely caught up in an
activity can be achieved through all sorts of endeavors, from stamp
collecting to painting to automobile repair. That's why it's important to
expose your child to a wide range of experiences to see what appeals to
him. This is not, we hasten to point out, an endorsement of the frantic
overscheduling that has befallen so many children. The idea is to make your
child aware of all that's available, allowing him to gravitate toward one
or two pursuits that are meaningful to him. Even if your child throws his
intellectual and creative energy into what will almost certainly be a
passing fancy -- collecting Pokemon cards, for instance, or playing
basketball morning, noon, and night -- the ability to totally immerse
himself in an activity he loves will give him a leg up on happiness
throughout his life.
6. Raise a nature kid.
In today's high-tech world, most of us don't take enough time to enjoy
Mother Nature. Yet an appreciation of the natural world, with its dazzling
array of everyday miracles, nourishes us in innumerable ways. Nature
engages all of a child's senses, encourages reflection and acute
observation, and helps stimulate the recognition of a just and purposeful
existence, says Colleen Cordes, a founder of the Alliance for Childhood
based in Takoma Park, Maryland. In other words, the inherent order we see
in nature gives rise to a similar feeling in us. The certainty that each
year the snow will melt and make way for crocuses, and that the green
leaves of summer will deepen into orange and brown, provides a vital
antidote to the frenetic, high-tech world most of us inhabit.
7. Bring home a four-legged friend.
Deciding whether to get a pet can be tough for parents: The commitment of
time and energy is huge and (your child's assurances to the contrary) most
of the pet care will end up being your responsibility. Still, there's
convincing evidence that taking it on is worth the effort. According to
Gail F. Melson, author of Why the Wild Things Are: Animals in the Lives of
Children (Harvard University Press, 2001), pets often provide reassurance
when kids are worried and afraid. And kids absorb crucial lessons about
empathy, loyalty, and attachment from the animals they love. Through
nurturing pets and investing emotionally in them, children learn to care
for and look after others, says Melson. In addition, pets make children
feel valued and competent. Remember that a pet doesn't have to be a dog or
a cat; guinea pigs, rabbits, and even small reptiles make lovely and
relatively low-maintenance pets. If a pet is out of the question, your
child can still get exposure to animals through visits to a zoo or nature
center.
8. Make your house a home.
The advice to sharpen your housekeeping skills may seem trivial, but
maintaining a pleasant domestic environment for your children is more
important than you might think. If your house is disorganized or messy,
kids are less likely to want to have friends over. Keeping things neat and
in place give kids a feeling of peace and contentment. However, you don't
want to turn into a compulsive neat-freak. Comfort is a big part of
happiness, and kids need to feel free to run, jump, get dirty, and be
occasional slobs in their own homes -- by themselves and with their
playmates.
9. Serve happy meals.
As adults, most of us are aware that eating healthily, under pleasant,
unhurried conditions, makes us feel better in both body and spirit.
Children, though, rarely have that much insight into themselves. That's why
it's up to parents to make mealtime a positive experience from an early
age. That means turning off the TV, sitting down together as a family, and
eating nutritious foods. The difference in kids' dispositions (not to
mention their health) can be dramatic. In February 2003, ABC's Good Morning
America reported on a secondary school in Appleton, Wisconsin, that saw its
discipline problems plummet after it overhauled its lunchtime routine.
Round tables replaced the standard rectangular ones in the cafeteria to
create a more relaxed, convivial atmosphere, and the menu began featuring
fresh fruits and vegetables, whole-grain breads, and additive-free entrees
instead of the standard pizza, soda, fries, and vending-machine junk. To
the amazement of the school's principal, discipline and behavioral problems
decreased dramatically after the new program was introduced. Just imagine
how your kids will benefit if you do this same thing at home.
10. Get physical.
This advice cuts two ways. First, show your children lots of physical
affection: hugs, kisses, back rubs, tummy tickles. Apart from demonstrating
that you're crazy about them, touch has the power to relieve stress and
elevate mood. Second, you get your kids moving. Whether it's because
strenuous activity releases feel-good brain chemicals such as endorphins
(as one of the most popular theories maintains) or simply because meeting a
physical challenge confers a positive feeling of achievement, a mountain of
research has established a link between regular exercise and psychological
well-being. In addition, children who are physically fit have a more
positive body image than those who are sedentary. Finally, it's just plain
fun for kids to run, jump, swim, ride bikes, and play ball -- ideally, with
you joining in. After all, isn't having fun the most basic definition of
happiness?
The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only.
It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care.
You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health
problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family
doctor. Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might
have regarding your or your child's condition.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This e-mail message (including attachments, if any) is intended for the use
of the individual or entity to which it is addressed and may contain
information that is privileged, proprietary , confidential and exempt from
disclosure. If you are not the intended recipient, you are notified that
any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communication is
strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error,
please notify the sender and erase this e-mail message immediately.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ask our other classmates to subscribe, tell them to send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/4c-math94/
<*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
<*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
