hi all, this is something that a lot of us here will relate to. and Payal has articulated it wonderfully. do go through it and share your thoughts.
the finance of disability here are instances in life that teach, reinforce, and remind you; time and again; of what is different about you when compared to many others out in the world. Not all of it is palatable or even halfway nice; but that pinch of salt is always a reminder. Yes, I know this once again is a story, a personal narrative that comes with its disclaimers… not a whine, rant, not even seeking sympathy or a commiserating pat on the back, but just that; a narrative! Today, an almost reality was nipped in the bud. A rejection notice from a visa office said I could not travel overseas on a trip a bunch of us had been planning for almost over a year now. Rejections are always difficult to come to terms with. School or college admissions; a relationship going sour; even being turned away by that auto driver when you so desperately want to get to work. It stings! It reminds you of how, while you think you are rather indispensable in your head, the ones out there vociferously think otherwise! Suddenly a whirlwind of emotional and intellectual activity is set in motion in the head. A droning monologue that won’t abate or quite down. All the distance traversed for years convincing yourself of how relevant your life is, takes that shuddering step back! I know this sounds like major drama, while it is not, it is too. There have always been varying opinions about what drives your life: Karma and the universe; what is meant to be? Or your own sell in the driver’s seat charting your life’s course. While I believe in the meant to be, there are instances that made me wonder if I didn’t do enough to do better? Was making all that effort and leaving the rest to be what is meant to be the right decision? I look back on my life that was- both before and after acquiring my disability. An audit of sorts and find there is an imbalance in my statement of accounts here. While the recovery from the denial phase of my disability I place in the relearning column of life, the rest spent in trying to make a go of it sees some unhappy instances. Being an educated, able and skilled individual with a disability, I see myself in a strange place. The industry and trade that I am trained and educated in has little for me by way of gainful opportunity. Having tried high, low and under to find a place there, I still find myself on the outside looking in. what happens then? A quest for the new entity that is you starts… where does one begin though? A soft reset, looking around for using the other skills learned in the course of living with a disability begins. Not easy since you are certain you knew it all and then, suddenly you don’t! Opportunity slowly peeks out hesitantly out of a dark corner and you are relieved to find yourself back in the game again. However small that chance, it is great to be on your way. But then, when that plateau stage sets in, you find yourself uneasy again. No peaks and troughs, no push towards climbing that organizational ladder…nothing! You continue giving thanks for having at least had the chance to bring in that little bit of money which qualifies you as an earning member of society. Soon enough, you don’t want to be stuck in the gratitude space only. You want to grow, match the pace of at least those individuals like yourself who are out there doing things for themselves. Strangely, that opportunity wagon totally passes you by. Floundering, you start on the journey of self-discovery once again wondering what you are worth? What are the skills you can upgrade to? Which are those hidden talents you might put to use? By the time you find any hint of that, there is a mess of roiling activity within you. Self-doubt creeps in! all that positive energy you’ve prided yourself embracing and reveling in, doesn’t seem so divine and glorious anymore. Those accomplishments you’ve been celebrated for; the brave heart and survivor you’ve been named; that source of inspiration you’ve been to people seems like just words! Never one to discount anybody’s words as trivial, I find myself in place from where the road ahead seems too long to walk on. The reality remains that enough opportunities haven’t presented themselves that can validate your abilities and skills. This, when translated to accounting terms means a far from satisfactory state of financial health. My life in my own eyes is relevant enough; my accomplishments many. My pride in who I am is intact, but that world where your bank balance and monetary wealth defines what your status in life is, is a scary story to tell. Did I say I tried my best? I did! My success in translating those talents into an addition in the credit side of my statement of accounts still eludes me. Nothing of that hunt for chances outside of what I do all the time has yielded sufficiently to make me feel financially relevant. One might ask if I think my life may have been more successful without disability? Honestly, I don’t know. Thinking of what is not is moot. What stays with me at this point is the thought of a rejected visa application and the drumming in my head that says I have lived a long enough life with very little to show for, where the relevance of the financial kind matters. Payal Register at the dedicated AccessIndia list for discussing accessibility of mobile phones / Tabs on: http://mail.accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/mobile.accessindia_accessindia.org.in Search for old postings at: http://www.mail-archive.com/accessindia@accessindia.org.in/ To unsubscribe send a message to accessindia-requ...@accessindia.org.in with the subject unsubscribe. To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, please visit the list home page at http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in Disclaimer: 1. Contents of the mails, factual, or otherwise, reflect the thinking of the person sending the mail and AI in no way relates itself to its veracity; 2. AI cannot be held liable for any commission/omission based on the mails sent through this mailing list..
