The story is just fantastic! It seems part of our life to face such incidents while looking for a companion!!
Warm Regards, Mujeeb On 2/14/14, avinash shahi <[email protected]> wrote: > Interesting read, published today so I thought why not to circulate. > By Malavika Santhebennur Ramp Up 14 Feb 2014 A Valentine's lesson: > someone who loves you for who you are is someone worth being with. > Credit: pcatalin (iStockphoto) > http://www.abc.net.au/rampup/articles/2014/02/14/3943912.htm > With her family's cultural values, Malavika Santhebennur was happy for > her parents to play match maker and help find her a husband. But she > was disappointed to find that even with their help, sometimes > prejudice against disability is no match for love. > > Happy Valentine's Day! > > Also, happy Singles Appreciation Day! > > As I plough through my 20s, I see friends and family enter > relationships, marriage, even parenthood. > > I'm 26 years old and was born in India. I am at what they call in my > culture 'a marriageable age'. I want to get married, so being of > marriageable age isn't a problem. That is not to say, however, that > I'm sitting by the window waiting for my Prince Charming to sweep me > off my feet. Being a full-time journalist at a financial publication, > socialising, travelling, and belting out (bad) karaoke numbers every > now and then gives me plenty to do. > > I also have mild cerebral palsy. 'Vanilla' might describe it. Yet the > social impacts of this disability have not quite been vanilla. > > My mother faced a lot of difficulty delivering me and the doctor had > to use forceps. My first cry was delayed due to lack of oxygen. Things > were chugging along quite well until my parents noticed that I was > missing the milestones I was supposed to have as a child. I could not > sit on my own without support until I was one year old. I had not > started walking even at one and a half. > > My parents started running around to various doctors, until one got it > right. He said, "Now I want you to sit down. What I'm about to tell > you will be hard to take." > > The doctor told my parents I had cerebral palsy. I would need an > operation on both legs to stretch my tendons. I would need > physiotherapy everyday for at least two years. I finally started > walking at age three and a half. Today, I walk with a limp. And my > hands and arms have tremors and spasms. > > My parents started looking for a husband for me at the beginning of > 2011. They are playing match maker, rather than 'arranging' the > marriage. It's my call at the end of the day. > > My parents signed me up to various online matrimonial websites. They > have described me as a family person, educated and fun-loving. They > have also mentioned that I have a limp. When people contact us to > express interest, my parents tell them the full story. > > We have received various expressions of interest, but to date I've > only met one guy. Just over two years ago, my dad sent me the profile > and picture of a man in Bangalore. I liked his profile enough to want > to meet him. > > My mum travelled to India to meet him first. Then I started talking to > him over the phone and e-mail. I felt chemistry. I told him about my > disability. He said he was okay with it and was looking forward to > meet me. > > Looked promising. > > My parents and I flew to India to meet him in December 2011. He called > me twice on the day we landed. I woke up on the day of our meeting > with jetlag and butterflies in my stomach. I got dressed up and wore a > sari. > > I chatted alone with him for an hour about our interests, goals, and > what we wanted out of life. We then joined the parents in the lounge > room. > > I asked his mother if she had any questions and concerns. I got > silence. She smiled nervously and shook her head. > > When we didn't hear from them for a week, my mum rang the guy. > > He told Mum he was concerned I would be too much of a dependant. His > mum had separated from her husband and the guy was her main support. > He was scared that I'd be an additional dependant. > > I called and told him to visit me again so we could chat. While on the > phone he told me that after we met, he could not eat, he could not > work and he could not sleep. It was because he was panicking about > marrying a girl with a disability. > > I wanted to allay his fears; convince him that, heavens no, I wouldn't > be a burden. > > When he came over I told him to be honest about what was going through > his mind. This roughly sums up what he said: > > "My mum and I are scared that you will be a dependant. I don't know if > I can balance looking after you and my mum." > > "We are worried about what society will think if I married a girl with > a disability." > > "You didn't tell us you have hand tremors". (I did.) > > "My mum's pushing me to find better girls." > > Instead of giving him the heave-ho right there, I propped up my case, > explaining that I was a very independent, educated girl, who was > capable of doing things on my own. > > I waited for his response. Eventually, he said no. > > I'm used to stares and comments from strangers. I often hear, "What's > wrong?", "You're limping. Are you okay?", or "Do you need help?" > > When I visited a shopping centre in India a couple of years ago with > my cousin, a guy walked up to her and asked "Sister, what's wrong with > your friend's leg?" > > And once, a relative told my family about groom-hunting for her > daughter. She told us about one man who came forward to offer > marriage. She concluded the story with, "I could not let my daughter > marry him. He had a limp!" > > After the guy in Bangalore's refusal, many people told me that it was > just one rejection and that I should keep trying to meet other men. > But for me, the reasons for that rejection cut deep. > > I don't mind my parents playing match maker for me. It's not the same > as having an arranged marriage, which I am completely against. > However, going through this selection exercise, I've felt like having > a disability is like having a criminal record that I should keep > hidden. > > Days before I was about to meet him, I was advised not to get nervous. > Because when I get nervous, my tremors increase and that would put > people off. I was basically told to look less disabled so as to not > scare my potential husband away. > > But here's the thing. I don't want to seem 'less disabled'. My > disability has shaped me to be who I am today. And it has taught me a > hell of a lot about life. > > And one of the most important things I've learnt is that the guy who > looks at my disability as a part of me and my body and loves me for it > is the guy worth being with. Not the guy who will be with me despite > my disability. > > The search continues. In the meantime, join me on this Valentine's Day > in spreading the cause of singles appreciation. > > Malavika Santhebennur works as a journalist for a business-to-business > financial publication at Cirrus Media in Chatswood. She writes > sporadically for a community paper called Indian Link. Reading > Bollywood gossip is her guilty pleasure. > > > -- > Avinash Shahi > M.Phil Research Scholar > Centre for The Study of Law and Governance > Jawaharlal Nehru University > New Delhi India > > Time to meet up again! > Register for AccessIndia Convention 2014: > http://accessindia.org.in/harish/convention.htm > > > > Register at the dedicated AccessIndia list for discussing accessibility of > mobile phones / Tabs on: > http://mail.accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/mobile.accessindia_accessindia.org.in > > > Search for old postings at: > http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ > > To unsubscribe send a message to > [email protected] > with the subject unsubscribe. > > To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, please > visit the list home page at > http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in > > > Disclaimer: > 1. Contents of the mails, factual, or otherwise, reflect the thinking of the > person sending the mail and AI in no way relates itself to its veracity; > > 2. AI cannot be held liable for any commission/omission based on the mails > sent through this mailing list.. > Time to meet up again! Register for AccessIndia Convention 2014: http://accessindia.org.in/harish/convention.htm Register at the dedicated AccessIndia list for discussing accessibility of mobile phones / Tabs on: http://mail.accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/mobile.accessindia_accessindia.org.in Search for old postings at: http://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ To unsubscribe send a message to [email protected] with the subject unsubscribe. To change your subscription to digest mode or make any other changes, please visit the list home page at http://accessindia.org.in/mailman/listinfo/accessindia_accessindia.org.in Disclaimer: 1. Contents of the mails, factual, or otherwise, reflect the thinking of the person sending the mail and AI in no way relates itself to its veracity; 2. AI cannot be held liable for any commission/omission based on the mails sent through this mailing list..
