So, I had the whole non-dual awakening, blah, blah a few years back.
Since then I have been deeply and firmly rooted in reality. The whole
world and all it's dramas were nothing more then mere scenery.
The past week so personal drama came up and my abidance in reality
started slipping...
The mind was getting entangled in the drama. Normally a simple 'neti
neti' would make it fade.
This time around the attention is on the mind, on the stories and it's
running with it and there are charged emotions coming up to the surface.
Old anxieties, old habits(biting nails, not sleeping at night) are
started resurfacing.
I'm losing myself, it feels like... There was a certain level of
sensitivity that I had and having all this come up on some level is
almost nauseating, insane...
On top of it, the mind is having anxiety over having 'lost' something.
Again my attention is getting entangled. Having a hard time seeing past
the illusion. Intellectually sure, I see it, but experiencially it's
been difficult.
Is this common? Is this an indication that there is quite a bit more
dissolution that needs to take place?
------------------
That which slips has to be have had happened, for it to have the quality
of slippage.
The essence of an happening is an experience.
An experience no matter it's depth or it's profoundity is an occurrence
in time and thus has a durational span.
That span may be moments, decades or thousand of years across
life-times(a life time being once more, an experience)
That-which-is, call it by any name or term makes no difference ( for
that-which is does not have the loci for even an "it" to be anchored) is
not an experience.
Thus not a happening which can slip away in time.
So what is happening as the above narration.........narrates.
There was an experience where there was a sense of having understood
the non-dualiness of everything, based on the sense of the absence of
conflict/engagement/involvement, which was really the absence of the
feelings of conflict etc etc ....
.....after a duration ...there is a sense of an identification with a
movement, connoted by the prevailing sense of conflict, anxiety,
nauseating insanity etc etc.
There is really no difference between experiences.....
.....whether the experience of non-dualness blah few years back ......
.....or the blah of present anxiety.
Both are movements within the realm of thought.
And there is no difference between the intellectual understanding and
the experiential blah....
...an intellectual understanding being the experiential blah of the
thought of having understood intellectually.
It is this sense of a distinction between intellectual hoarding of
premises/words/terms/principles .....
....and......
...... the experience of the same premises, the latter believed to be
the Holy Grail.....
.....which is the very sense of the mind/entity/individuated self.
Which morphs in time, into the sense of "having lost" that Holy Grail.
To repeat, there was no entity/self/mind which received the holy waters
of non-duality and has now lost it.
The sense of receiving(which is right now the sense of a recall of an
experience few years back)......
.....is the very sense of an entity.....
.......a sense of entity inferred by the current sense of a loss.
The prevailing sense that there was a dissolution few years back but
maybe now some more dissolution is to happened and thus how to, where
to, when to etc etc......
......is the sense of the entity.
The seeing/apperceiving of the sense of a receiving....
... the seeming consequence of such a receiving ..........as a duration
of calmness, lack of conflict, lack of entanglement, witnessing the
passing scenery...
...(all the usual bromides)
.......and the sense of now having lost all of it...........
.......apperceiving the totality of that drama as the blah of thought.......
.....the apperceiving is not within the realm of thought.
Thus is not "gettable".
And that which is not "gettable" cannot be "losable".
This apperceiving also apperceves that in the very
articulation/verbalization/defining of something as not within the realm
of thought....
......is the thought of so.
Hence the reading these pixels in a particular arrangement on a PC
screen and the immediate dissolution in the Recycle Bin.
And the witnessing................... that the prevailing AOWL witnesser
of the passing scenery ....
....is the passing scenery.
