SOME SHAGGY PUPPY TAILS
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The prosecutor asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant? The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?" "English and theater," I responded. "Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped. "No" I shot back. "You better watch your acting." When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case. ***** A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." ***** There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter starts his interview with the man when all of a sudden, the man just disappears. A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the same man again, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again! This same scenario goes on two more times; each time, ending with the man disappearing. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" an exasperated St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me." ***** According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months went by without success, they consulted the base physician, who chose to examine Mom right then and there. "Please disrobe," he told her. "With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father. Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found the problem." ***** A beautiful woman walked into a famous castle with Olympic size swimming pool appeared in so many movies with a great thrilling history. She could not resist the opportunity to look like a famous actress and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the chief caretaker appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along. He looked at her lusciously and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" She scolded him. The caretaker replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't." ***** A pastor and his wife were riding very fast on a motorcycle. A church member that was a policeman stopped him promptly, and said, "What do you think you are doing? You were going mighty fast there, pastor." The policeman's pastor says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin... see how it runs." The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket. Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?" The preacher says, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle." ***** In a little town, tucked into the woods and far from the main roads, the Jews were afraid that the Messiah would come and pass them by. They decide to build a tower on the outskirts of the town, and appointed one of the town's beggars to serve as their watchman. If the Messiah should come, the watchman would give him directions to town. One day a stranger approached the tower, and the watchman came down to greet him. "What are you doing here in the middle of the forest?" asked the stranger. "I sit on top of the tower and wait for the Messiah," answered the watchman. "How do you like your job? the stranger asked. 'I'm sure it doesn't pay very much." "That's true," answered the watchman. "But it's steady work." ***** A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter." ***** The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast." ***** Two friends met on the street and one said, "I heard your brother died. What happened?" "It was very sad," the other replied. "Lettuce killed him." "How could lettuce kill a man?" "He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh" "The owner told him, 'Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator.'" ***** "That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age." ***** A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a current library card. The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one. "Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked, politely. "Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. Pointing to the people in the picture she says proudly, "See right here, that's me in the back row." ***** Two nuns are driving home one dark and stormy night when suddenly, WHAM!, A vampire lands right on the hood of their car. His eyes are gleaming yellow, and his razor-sharp fangs dripping with blood. The nun who is driving screams to the other "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out the window and yells "Get the Hell off our windshield!" ===== -- *".... I am the KING to my own UNIVERSE that Rule my MIND, BODY and SOUL !!! ...." * ** *- Lo Fen Koei -* -- you have this email because you join to "aga-madjid" GoogleGroups. to post emails, just send to : [email protected] to join this group, send blank email to : [email protected] to quit from this group, just send email to : [email protected] please visit to www.facebook.com/aga.madjid, add my Yahoo Messenger at [email protected] or add my twitter @aga_madjid thanks for joinning this group.
