Hi  Rahul,
Whether we observe closed  mindedness, confrontational  approach,  or 
insistence on  having an escort, underlying thought process for  all of them is 
still the same, which is the  insecurity of the parents themselves. There is  
no assumption or  expectation that parents would or  should definitely 
understand our perspective. It is only to recognize that the main area to be 
worked on is outside ourselves, which makes  it even more tricky. What can help 
 alleviate would be  very context specific. What  I  am  suggesting is not to  
expect complete understanding of one's perspective, or  quick  transformation. 
It is going  to  be work in progress for a while. Carrying any discontent 
within would not  be healthy for the relationship. One  needs to find balance 
between the value of the relationship and assertiveness for  independence.

Thanks.
Alok


-----Original Message-----
From: Rahul Bajaj [mailto:rahul.bajaj10...@gmail.com] 
Sent: Saturday, August 05, 2017 11:52 AM
To: Alok Kaushik
Cc: Share, empower &Enrich
Subject: Re: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a regressive view 
about the capabilities of the disabled

Thanks, Alok. I agree that the anxiety and fear of the parent here is divorced 
from the actual capabilities of the disabled person.
Such blind resistance to accepting the proposition that  the blind person has 
to be given space to grow and make their own mistakes is what creates an 
impasse.
If a blind adult is told that they will always need an escort, but the only 
difference will be that the escort will be their wife instead of their mother 
in future, that reflects the parent's absolute failure to understand the other 
person's perspective.

I think the suggestions that you have offered are very helpful.
However, they nonetheless presuppose that the parent is willing to engage in a 
calm conversation with a semi open mind. The fundamental problem here is that 
that also is not true most of the time.
The disabled person is told that the parent will start stepping back when the 
disabled person acquires the requisite independence. When asked to outline the 
criteria based on which the parent will be able to say that the child has 
reached that level, the parent becomes confrontational and states that the 
disabled person has not seen the darker side of the world yet.

Best,
Rahul

On 05/08/2017, Alok Kaushik <alok.li...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Hi Rahul,
> What you have mentioned suggests that the  fundamental issue is  not  
> about the capabilities of the visually impaired person and parent's 
> comfort level with it but a limitation that the parent himself / 
> herself  is facing in terms  of handling the situation if  something 
> goes wrong. He / she has  a fixed  idea that he / she is responsible 
> for  the  VI person, and  hence has  to take decisions.
>
> This is a  more  difficult scenario to deal  with because it is not 
> about VI person's but  their notions of  their own limitations and  
> responsibilities.
> In such a case while  demonstrating your capabilities is  important, 
> it is equally important to relieve them of  the burden of  that  sense 
> of responsibility and limitation. This would  especially be  relevant 
> in case of single parents, and  also  in  scenarios  in which parents 
> consider themselves to be socially answerable if anything goes wrong.
>
> It would be important to make  them  understand that their  support 
> would not  be everlasting, and  their help  is needed to make oneself 
> independent,  if they really want him / her to live well. They can  
> better help adapt, practice, and achieve  a  high level of comfort 
> while they can still support . One saying  that I often use to  quote 
> is "You give your  son a  fish, he eats today. You teach him how to fish, he 
> eats every day.".
>
> I  have also seen some parents say that you can do whatever you want 
> after us but not  while we are still around. This again reflects that 
> the focus of their thinking is not really the limitations of the 
> visually impaired person but their own limitations.
>
> One may have to  make  the parents realize they have a  support system 
> to handle any situation. And  also,  it needs to come out in one's 
> communication that he / she is now prepared to take on the 
> responsibilities of his / her actions.
>
> I  would like  to reiterate that patience is  still the  key. If  one 
> really intends to  be  independent, it would eventually happen. In  
> fact at some point being independent would  be a requirement whether 
> one wants to or not.
>
> Thanks.
> Alok
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Rahul Bajaj [mailto:rahul.bajaj10...@gmail.com]
> Sent: Friday, August 04, 2017 9:16 PM
> To: Share, empower &Enrich
> Cc: Alok Kaushik
> Subject: Re: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a 
> regressive view about the capabilities of the disabled
>
> Thank you, everyone. Your responses are very insightful and informative.
>
> Alok, I agree with you that one has to strive to avoid either of those 
> extremes. However, all these suggestions operate on the premise that 
> the parent in question is reasonable and willing to change their views 
> based on changing circumstances. I am afraid that is not always the 
> case. Some parents cannot be reasoned with and offer you a choice 
> between not doing something and doing it as per their own unreasonable 
> terms. What choice is one left with in such cases?
> Further, while the incremental approach works best, that cannot 
> address a parent's unfounded fear that something horrible will happen.
> Finally, if a parent is blackmailing a child into not doing something 
> or doing it in a very different way from what the child wants without 
> even articulating genuine safety concerns that make them wary, what 
> should one do?
>
> Best,
> Rahul
>
> Sent from my iPhone
>
>> On Aug 4, 2017, at 2:36 PM, Alok Kaushik via Ai 
>> <ai@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in> wrote:
>>
>> Hi Rahul,
>> You have  brought  up a very relevant subject. Although I always had 
>> a very understanding family, I  also had  to experience  a  phase  in  
>> which the family members had to  be  brought  to a certain comfort 
>> level. I never faced any restrictions but additional comfort level 
>> had to be developed, and I can easily observe the change in level of  
>> comfort and confidence they now have.
>>
>> Besides that I have also seen several cases around me, in which 
>> similar issues as  mentioned  by you were present. Here are my 
>> observations and thoughts.
>>
>> I do not think that  any organization or friend will  be able to make 
>> a decisive impact on the  thinking of  parents / family members just 
>> by telling them about some of the other people who have been able to 
>> do much more. It largely depends on how much  drive the visually 
>> impaired person himself / herself has to  become independent, and how 
>> effectively that is expressed.
>>
>> One  of  the main reasons of the parents is the safety concern. One  
>> still needs to take a decision to go ahead and do things but  taking 
>> some measures could help understand the parents that he / she is not 
>> reckless about the safety. For example, one can  share the taxi 
>> number while travelling outside at home, it communicates the same 
>> message, while being an actual safety measure. Letting the family 
>> members know when to expect you back home realistically would provide 
>> them extra comfort. These actions are simply related to information 
>> sharing and do  not necessarily restricts oneself. This goes a long 
>> way in  developing a comfort level without creating any friction in the 
>> relationship.
>>
>> Besides moving outdoors,  if  there are other things that one is 
>> looking to do but is facing restrictive approach, comfort level can 
>> best be created by generating opportunities to demonstrate that one  
>> would  be happy doing such a task  and  can do it. Communicating that 
>> he / she would definitely ask for  help if  needed is  also very 
>> effective. There  is  no  better conviction then actually seeing a person 
>> doing something.
>>
>> A few  things that we need  to keep in mind is that we ourselves need 
>> to be patient while persisting with the  effort to demonstrate and 
>> develop and  confidence  in others. It will  take  some time  and  
>> repeated observations by others before their  scepticism could change 
>> to conviction.
>>
>> It is possible that one may have to be more  assertive at times, but 
>> it would be good to balance it out rather quickly to avoid any 
>> negative effect on the relationship. Underlying feeling behind the 
>> assertiveness needs to be that of confidence and not disregard.
>>
>> Of course  there would  be two extremes, one in which a person 
>> chooses  to  enjoy the convenience that a protective environment 
>> offers,  which comes back  and bites hard  once that supportive 
>> environment collapses or dents, or in other  in which a person 
>> becomes a rebel, gains the independence and the relationships languishes.
>>
>> My thoughts are to bring about a change while sustaining good 
>> relationships.
>>
>> Thanks.
>> Alok
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Ai [mailto:ai-boun...@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in] On 
>> Behalf Of Rahul Bajaj via Ai
>> Sent: Friday, August 04, 2017 1:12 PM
>> To: ai@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in
>> Cc: Rahul Bajaj
>> Subject: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a regressive 
>> view about the capabilities of the disabled
>>
>> Hi Everyone,
>>
>> I hope this message finds you well.
>> At the outset, let me clarify that this question may or may not have 
>> anything to do with my own personal experiences, so I'd appreciate it 
>> if the aim of the conversation could be to understand this phenomenon 
>> in general terms as opposed to focusing too much on my own situation.
>>
>> While a lot of us focus on the importance of sensitizing various 
>> stakeholders, such as employers, academic institutions and others 
>> about the capabilities of the disabled, few focus on the 
>> discrimination that the disabled face in their own homes due to the 
>> view that their own family has about their capabilities or potential.
>> More specifically, if one has a parent who is unwilling to learn from 
>> the experiences of other blind people and give their disabled child 
>> the freedom that we all deserve, to what extent should one follow 
>> what such a parent says?
>> Further, while safety is doubtless important, if the disabled person 
>> has the requisite maturity to ascertain if they will be safe in a 
>> given environment, should they act as per their own assessment or 
>> follow what their parent is saying, in the fear of alienating them?
>> I think there are many emotional forces at play in a family setting 
>> that may not be involved in other settings. For instance, one often 
>> hears of parents emotionally blackmailing their children into acting 
>> the way they want without recognizing that this may not be in the 
>> child's best interest.
>> Finally, what makes the situation worse is the fact that the external 
>> world [friends and wellwishers] is also often apprehensive to 
>> interfere in these matters on behalf of the disabled person on the 
>> ground that this is an internal family matter, so that makes it 
>> significantly harder for the disabled person to fully assert himself/herself.
>>
>> If any of you have dealt with the above, I'd be curious to know what 
>> you think about these issues.
>> I am mindful of the fact that not many people would be open to 
>> discussing this on a public forum, so please feel free to mail me 
>> off-list about this. Further, not many may see this as a problem, 
>> given how  accustomed they are to succumbing to their parents' 
>> wishes, no matter how uninformed and inappropriate those wishes may be.
>>
>> Best,
>> Rahul
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person sending the mail and AI in no way relates itself to its veracity;

2. AI cannot be held liable for any commission/omission based on the mails sent 
through this mailing list..



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