One more small point. Unless one is financial independent can one take such
a stand with the parents. This is true for even non disabled children. 

-----Original Message-----
From: Ai [mailto:ai-boun...@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in] On Behalf Of
Kanchan Pamnani via Ai
Sent: 05 August 2017 17:16
To: 'Share, empower &Enrich'
Cc: Kanchan Pamnani
Subject: Re: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a regressive
view about the capabilities of the disabled

Rahul,
You cannot execute and then inform if you want to travel. 
Plan well  without informing your parents. Only inform them when you are
absolutely sure. 
Your words should be that "I am going to x place with ABC on Date by flight
or train". Don't ask them just matter of fact tell them. Don't ask for
money. This trip you have to do with your saved finances.
It is best to give them full details when you tell them. Make a small
itenary - Date of travel,how, from where to where. 
Where are you staying and the phone no of the place with address. This may
sound silly in the days of mobile when they can reach you directly. However
it helps them calm down because there will be many times you will not pick
up your mobile. 
I had a loving father but a very concerned one. So I dealt with him
properly. I gave him the full information and had answers for everything he
may have asked me. My dad was a lawyer and you know and I knew how many
questions I had to answer. However I went for everything I wanted
to-including holidays with friends. It helps if your folks know your
friends. I always invited my friends home so there was a feeling of trust.
Also I must tell you that until my Dad was alive I got a call every night
even when I went to Delhi for one night. He did not care what I was doing
so
I could have been in my hotel room or at a bar. He just wanted to hear my
voice at 10pm before he fell asleep. I used to get irritated because I
would
think what if something happened to me at 11pm and he could not take care
of
me. Once I was in Connought Place with 2 friends  both sighted. Both my
age.
Arun was married and in fact a grandfather. He too got a call from his
father while we were having dinner. Ayesha is a Senior Journalist and
lives
in Delhi. She too got a call from her mother. So calm down parents will be
parents.
Don't do something stupid because then they will hold it over your head
forever. 
A lot of people on this group drink extensively. Its not really a nice
scene
when you have a drunk blind person who needs help. Word does reach parents.

The last thing I would suggest is try to be as independent as possible.
Handle your packing personally and don't ask for help when you are dealing
with your personal things.
Assert yourself but do it maturely.
Kanchan      
-----Original Message-----
From: Ai [mailto:ai-boun...@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in] On Behalf Of
Rahul Bajaj via Ai
Sent: 05 August 2017 16:34
To: Share, empower &Enrich
Cc: Rahul Bajaj
Subject: Re: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a regressive
view about the capabilities of the disabled

Thanks again.
Geetha, I agree with you that absolute independence is undesirable, but
what
we are talking here  about is reasonable independence. When offered the
possibility of travelling with a friend, the parent says that friends are
likely to abandon you in case any problem arises. Only family members or
servants can be trusted.
When asked to seek advice and support from orgs like Enable India, the
parent says that those support systems exist for those who cannot afford
personal servants. They are of no use to someone who can afford personal
helpers.

The approach outlined by Shireen, though difficult, then remains the only
solution. Shireen, if one wants to travel alone/with a friend, and one is
living with one parent who will inform the unreasonable parent about
everything, how can one adopt the strategy of executing and then informing?


Best,
Rahul 

Sent from my iPhone

> On Aug 5, 2017, at 12:53 PM, Shireen Irani via Ai
<ai@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in> wrote:
> 
> hi Rahul,
> 
> most of what i wish to say has been said already, but I'd like to 
> reiterate a couple of things that i think are imperative, regardless 
> of the temporary discomfort they may cause in the relationship.
> 
> as an adult, whether disabled or not, 1 needs to put one's foot down, 
> and have the free will to decide one's own actions with total 
> responsibility for them. parents often find that difficult to accept, 
> partly for control, and partly because of their fear of being  of no 
> need to the child any more. so if there's no room for a calm 
> conversation, one can make one's decisions and break it to them 
> immediately before, or after you start executing it. even the language 
> you use needs to be assertive and firm,  reassuring them that you do 
> love and respect them, but  these are a few things that you will not 
> allow them to control, because  they are now yours to take charge of.
> this is also when you  ask them: what they think you will do, once 
> they're not around any more to protect you from the big bad world. we 
> know of countless stories of parents who threaten to harm themselves 
> in cases of their children marrying against the parents wishes, but 
> after a few months it all defuses and the family is 1 again. so 
> particularly with emotional blackmail, I know it sounds unpleasant, 
> but it is best to assert, that you will not be deterred by any  such 
> threats.
> the way to balance things out could be to show them that you'd love 
> their intervention in certain areas, but not in a few others.
> 
> also, it really does help even if in tiny ways, for them to see other 
> blind people moving around more independently. so wherever possible, 
> do invite a friend over, introduce them to your parents, and then 
> perhaps spontaneously decide to venture out on your own, the 2 of you, 
> without opportunity for any further discussion on the matter.
> finally, I think financial independence, and your ability to manage 
> your own finances without their help, and also contributing towards 
> the running of the house, usually goes a long way as a sign of your 
> independent adulthood. if you can politely deny any1 else's help/ 
> control in financial matters, and then prove your efficiency with wise
> money management, then it becomes    relatively easier to assert your
> independence  in other areas.
> of course your own confidence and ability is paramount before you take 
> such steps.
> 
> what I'd emphasise the most in all this is, do not give in to 
> emotional blackmail!! just do not.
> prepare yourself for some temporary strain, and look forward to a 
> healthier and more meaningful future with your family.
> 
> best,
> 
> Shireen.
> 
> 
>> On 8/5/17, Rahul Bajaj via Ai <ai@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in>
wrote:
>> Thanks, Alok. I agree that the anxiety and fear of the parent here is 
>> divorced from the actual capabilities of the disabled person.
>> Such blind resistance to accepting the proposition that  the blind 
>> person has to be given space to grow and make their own mistakes is 
>> what creates an impasse.
>> If a blind adult is told that they will always need an escort, but 
>> the only difference will be that the escort will be their wife 
>> instead of their mother in future, that reflects the parent's 
>> absolute failure to understand the other person's perspective.
>> 
>> I think the suggestions that you have offered are very helpful.
>> However, they nonetheless presuppose that the parent is willing to 
>> engage in a calm conversation with a semi open mind. The fundamental 
>> problem here is that that also is not true most of the time.
>> The disabled person is told that the parent will start stepping back 
>> when the disabled person acquires the requisite independence. When 
>> asked to outline the criteria based on which the parent will be able 
>> to say that the child has reached that level, the parent becomes 
>> confrontational and states that the disabled person has not seen the 
>> darker side of the world yet.
>> 
>> Best,
>> Rahul
>> 
>>> On 05/08/2017, Alok Kaushik <alok.li...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>> Hi Rahul,
>>> What you have mentioned suggests that the  fundamental issue is  not 
>>> about the capabilities of the visually impaired person and parent's 
>>> comfort level with it but a limitation that the parent himself / 
>>> herself  is facing in terms  of handling the situation if  something 
>>> goes wrong. He / she has  a fixed  idea that he / she is responsible 
>>> for  the  VI person, and  hence has  to take decisions.
>>> 
>>> This is a  more  difficult scenario to deal  with because it is not 
>>> about VI person's but  their notions of  their own limitations and 
>>> responsibilities.
>>> In such a case while  demonstrating your capabilities is  important, 
>>> it is equally important to relieve them of  the burden of  that  
>>> sense of responsibility and limitation. This would  especially be  
>>> relevant in case of single parents, and  also  in  scenarios  in 
>>> which parents consider themselves to be socially answerable if anything
goes wrong.
>>> 
>>> It would be important to make  them  understand that their  support 
>>> would not  be everlasting, and  their help  is needed to make 
>>> oneself independent, if they really want him / her to live well. 
>>> They can  better help adapt, practice, and achieve  a  high level of 
>>> comfort while they can still support . One saying  that I often use 
>>> to  quote is "You give your  son a  fish, he eats today. You teach 
>>> him how to fish, he eats every day.".
>>> 
>>> I  have also seen some parents say that you can do whatever you want 
>>> after us but not  while we are still around. This again reflects 
>>> that the focus of their thinking is not really the limitations of 
>>> the visually impaired person but their own limitations.
>>> 
>>> One may have to  make  the parents realize they have a  support 
>>> system to handle any situation. And  also,  it needs to come out in 
>>> one's communication that he / she is now prepared to take on the 
>>> responsibilities of his / her actions.
>>> 
>>> I  would like  to reiterate that patience is  still the  key. If  
>>> one really intends to  be  independent, it would eventually happen. 
>>> In  fact at some point being independent would  be a requirement 
>>> whether one wants to or not.
>>> 
>>> Thanks.
>>> Alok
>>> 
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: Rahul Bajaj [mailto:rahul.bajaj10...@gmail.com]
>>> Sent: Friday, August 04, 2017 9:16 PM
>>> To: Share, empower &Enrich
>>> Cc: Alok Kaushik
>>> Subject: Re: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a 
>>> regressive view about the capabilities of the disabled
>>> 
>>> Thank you, everyone. Your responses are very insightful and
informative.
>>> 
>>> Alok, I agree with you that one has to strive to avoid either of 
>>> those extremes. However, all these suggestions operate on the 
>>> premise that the parent in question is reasonable and willing to 
>>> change their views based on changing circumstances. I am afraid that 
>>> is not always the case. Some parents cannot be reasoned with and 
>>> offer you a choice between not doing something and doing it as per 
>>> their own unreasonable terms. What choice is one left with in such 
>>> cases?
>>> Further, while the incremental approach works best, that cannot 
>>> address a parent's unfounded fear that something horrible will happen.
>>> Finally, if a parent is blackmailing a child into not doing 
>>> something or doing it in a very different way from what the child 
>>> wants without even articulating genuine safety concerns that make 
>>> them wary, what should one do?
>>> 
>>> Best,
>>> Rahul
>>> 
>>> Sent from my iPhone
>>> 
>>>> On Aug 4, 2017, at 2:36 PM, Alok Kaushik via Ai 
>>>> <ai@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in> wrote:
>>>> 
>>>> Hi Rahul,
>>>> You have  brought  up a very relevant subject. Although I always 
>>>> had a very understanding family, I  also had  to experience  a  
>>>> phase  in which the family members had to  be  brought  to a 
>>>> certain comfort level. I never faced any restrictions but 
>>>> additional comfort level had to be developed, and I can easily 
>>>> observe the change in level of  comfort and confidence they now 
>>>> have.
>>>> 
>>>> Besides that I have also seen several cases around me, in which 
>>>> similar issues as  mentioned  by you were present. Here are my 
>>>> observations and thoughts.
>>>> 
>>>> I do not think that  any organization or friend will  be able to 
>>>> make a decisive impact on the  thinking of  parents / family 
>>>> members just by telling them about some of the other people who 
>>>> have been able to do much more. It largely depends on how much  
>>>> drive the visually impaired person himself / herself has to  become 
>>>> independent, and how effectively that is expressed.
>>>> 
>>>> One  of  the main reasons of the parents is the safety concern. One 
>>>> still needs to take a decision to go ahead and do things but  
>>>> taking some measures could help understand the parents that he / 
>>>> she is not reckless about the safety. For example, one can  share 
>>>> the taxi number while travelling outside at home, it communicates 
>>>> the same message, while being an actual safety measure. Letting the 
>>>> family members know when to expect you back home realistically 
>>>> would provide them extra comfort. These actions are simply related 
>>>> to information sharing and do  not necessarily restricts oneself. 
>>>> This goes a long way in  developing a comfort level without 
>>>> creating any friction in the relationship.
>>>> 
>>>> Besides moving outdoors,  if  there are other things that one is 
>>>> looking to do but is facing restrictive approach, comfort level can 
>>>> best be created by generating opportunities to demonstrate that one  
>>>> would  be happy doing such a task  and  can do it. Communicating 
>>>> that he / she would definitely ask for  help if  needed is  also 
>>>> very effective. There  is no better conviction then actually seeing 
>>>> a person doing something.
>>>> 
>>>> A few  things that we need  to keep in mind is that we ourselves 
>>>> need to be patient while persisting with the  effort to demonstrate 
>>>> and develop and  confidence  in others. It will  take  some time  
>>>> and  repeated observations by others before their  scepticism could 
>>>> change to conviction.
>>>> 
>>>> It is possible that one may have to be more  assertive at times, 
>>>> but it would be good to balance it out rather quickly to avoid any 
>>>> negative effect on the relationship. Underlying feeling behind the 
>>>> assertiveness needs to be that of confidence and not disregard.
>>>> 
>>>> Of course  there would  be two extremes, one in which a person 
>>>> chooses to enjoy the convenience that a protective environment 
>>>> offers,  which comes back  and bites hard  once that supportive 
>>>> environment collapses or dents, or in other  in which a person 
>>>> becomes a rebel, gains the independence and the relationships 
>>>> languishes.
>>>> 
>>>> My thoughts are to bring about a change while sustaining good 
>>>> relationships.
>>>> 
>>>> Thanks.
>>>> Alok
>>>> 
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: Ai [mailto:ai-boun...@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in] On 
>>>> Behalf Of Rahul Bajaj via Ai
>>>> Sent: Friday, August 04, 2017 1:12 PM
>>>> To: ai@accessindia.inclusivehabitat.in
>>>> Cc: Rahul Bajaj
>>>> Subject: [Ai] Question about dealing with parents having a 
>>>> regressive view about the capabilities of the disabled
>>>> 
>>>> Hi Everyone,
>>>> 
>>>> I hope this message finds you well.
>>>> At the outset, let me clarify that this question may or may not 
>>>> have anything to do with my own personal experiences, so I'd 
>>>> appreciate it if the aim of the conversation could be to understand 
>>>> this phenomenon in general terms as opposed to focusing too much on my
own situation.
>>>> 
>>>> While a lot of us focus on the importance of sensitizing various 
>>>> stakeholders, such as employers, academic institutions and others 
>>>> about the capabilities of the disabled, few focus on the 
>>>> discrimination that the disabled face in their own homes due to the 
>>>> view that their own family has about their capabilities or 
>>>> potential.
>>>> More specifically, if one has a parent who is unwilling to learn 
>>>> from the experiences of other blind people and give their disabled 
>>>> child the freedom that we all deserve, to what extent should one 
>>>> follow what such a parent says?
>>>> Further, while safety is doubtless important, if the disabled 
>>>> person has the requisite maturity to ascertain if they will be safe 
>>>> in a given environment, should they act as per their own assessment 
>>>> or follow what their parent is saying, in the fear of alienating them?
>>>> I think there are many emotional forces at play in a family setting 
>>>> that may not be involved in other settings. For instance, one often 
>>>> hears of parents emotionally blackmailing their children into 
>>>> acting the way they want without recognizing that this may not be 
>>>> in the child's best interest.
>>>> Finally, what makes the situation worse is the fact that the 
>>>> external world [friends and wellwishers] is also often apprehensive 
>>>> to interfere in these matters on behalf of the disabled person on 
>>>> the ground that this is an internal family matter, so that makes it 
>>>> significantly harder for the disabled person to fully assert 
>>>> himself/herself.
>>>> 
>>>> If any of you have dealt with the above, I'd be curious to know 
>>>> what you think about these issues.
>>>> I am mindful of the fact that not many people would be open to 
>>>> discussing this on a public forum, so please feel free to mail me 
>>>> off-list about this. Further, not many may see this as a problem, 
>>>> given how  accustomed they are to succumbing to their parents' 
>>>> wishes, no matter how uninformed and inappropriate those wishes may
be.
>>>> 
>>>> Best,
>>>> Rahul
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