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In a hand written communique released today, an organization calling itself the Pretzel Liberation Front claimed responsibility for sunday's suicide attack on President Bush.
"No longer will knotted bread foods suffer at the hands (and mouths) of the infidel aggressor!" read the communique.
Since Bush's appointment as president, intelligence services have worked to disrupt the formation of a possible United Front of objects that Bush is known to put in his mouth, fearing the type of success acheived by the suicide pretzel on Sunday.
"We've had operatives for years working in the underground pizza industry, and we have been able to stave off several attempts on the president by steaming hot sausage slices," said one intelligence source close to the president. "Likewise with bottle caps. We had some trouble penetrating those networks at first because the president likes the expensive microbrews that are produced by trappist monks in the remote mountainous areas of Belgium."
"But by far the most dangerous threat to the president that exists right now comes from the ultra-fundamentalist Shiny Objects Brigade," who are funded by an Antarctican group of Zoroastrian clerics. "I mean, those shiny little f*****s can be anywhere, and you just can't stop Bush from picking them up and putting them in his mouth," our source claimed, noting that the fuckers can even take on the guise of small-denomination US currency.
"We've had 14 incidents of the President choking on nickles and/or quarters since the events of Sept. 11th," another secret source claimed. "Granted, that's down from the same period last year when he was still governor of Texas, but we're taking no chances."
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