Hi Arachnians,
Boy, this list is getting way too serious. I offer this for our
amusement until things settle down a bit, what with all the security
hole talk, Arachne "virus" crap, yada yada. Enjoy.
Regards,
Dale Mentzer
------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
Subject: Are you prepared for children?
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN...
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would
wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be
an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for
5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it
into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both
sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly
for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the
answers.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
This mail written by a user of Arachne, the DOS Internet Client
WWWWW World Wide Web Without Windows
http://home.arachne.cz Arachne DOS Browser Home Page
