FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 1 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar but plenty of Oupa's mampoer! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 2 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE ALLOWED. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil "doggy bags". Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men - each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So December 22 marks the Summer Solstice. What do you expect me to do? A tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at the Grill House prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess- worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay??? Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like boerewors at braais or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed its mind in making a special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification by e-mail and in your pay slip after we have discussed it with the Unions. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All #%&$ing Employees DATE: December 10 RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party I have no #%&*ing idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&!@ do I care? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your e-mail address now and you're dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, and I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 14 RE: Patty I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!
