LD>So here is my plea:  Is there a Linux out there [I'll even
  LD>pay for a CD if I have to!] that I can simply run an
  LD>install program for and have it up and working for me? 
  LD>Something that has a user interface [GUI not required]
  LD>which will take me by the hand and walk me through to
  LD>successful use at the "dummy" level?


Here is *exactly* what you're looking for, LD...

Go to http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~ichi/baslinux.html

Run Linux from a floppy! Be online to the internet in minutes!

Regards,
Mike


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