Jodhaa Akbar: notes and an unreliable synopsis
[Statutory
warning: I can’t promise that everything described here is an accurate
reflection of what happens in Jodhaa Akbar. Parts of this review are as
authentic a representation of the film as the film itself is of the
Mughal era.]
It turns out that the controversy about historical authenticity in Jodha
Akbarhas been such a waste of everyone’s time. This film is really at itsmost
authentic when it abandons all pretence that it was made for anyreason other
than to bring together Bollywood’s two most beautifulpeople (and a lot of shiny
jewellery). Take the magnificentlyshow-offish moment where a shirtless Akbar
(Hrithik Roshan) displays his swordsmanship while Jodha (Aishwarya Rai)watches
in womanly awe. The scene exists completely independent ofcontext – it’s about
Hrithik as the ultimate alpha-male preening like apeacock (an inordinately
muscular peacock) for Aishwarya; it’s aboutsending vicarious thrills through
star-struck moviegoers of both sexes.With just a minor alteration in setting
and costume, it could easilyhave come out of Dhoom 2, a film that was a fine
showcase for this same couple.
As it happens, this is one of the most assured scenes in Jodhaa
Akbar.Unfortunately, most of the rest of the film makes a half-hearted stabat
telling us about various things that may or may not have occurred inthe
mid-16th century. Yawn. Completely beside the point. Anyway, thisis roughly
what happens, or what I could make out as I drifted in andout of sleep:
(An unreliable summary)
Thefirst few minutes give us the background on the many politicalintrigues of
the time, in the stentorian but much-too-familiar voice ofAmitabh Bachchan.
(Like a stern father-in-law keeping a watchful eye onAishwarya after that kiss
in Dhoom 2,Bachchan’s presence looms large here: not only does he do
theseponderous voiceovers but Sonu Sood, the actor who plays Jodha’sprotective
brother Sujamal, strongly resembles the young Amitabh – themoustached Amitabh
of Reshma aur Shera, for example, or even Ganga ki Saugandh- from many angles.)
Most of the historical information is tedious andcomplicated, though there’s a
certain fun to be had in seeing the kingsof Hindustan depicted as petulant
little boys, sulking, whimpering andclinging to their thrones when faced with
the prospect of being madevassals. (As the maharajah of Amer, Kulbhushan
Kharbanda looks andsounds like he has serious breathing problems, and little
wonder giventhe number of heavy
necklaces weighing him down at all times.)
Meanwhile,on the Mughal side of things, there is Bairam Khan, a
goodold-fashioned medieval psychopath who uses his official status asguardian
for the boy-prince Akbar to nurture a very personal fetish forlopping off enemy
heads. Unfortunately for Bairam, the boy-prince soongrows up and dispenses with
his services. To prove that he is worthy ofruling the country, Akbar then takes
on a wild elephant in a scene thatis reminiscent of Hrithik’s
superhero-racing-the-horse in Krrish.But what really puts his courage to the
test is when he agrees to wedthe Hindu princess Jodha to complete a political
alliance: her longlist of demands includes the right to sing bhajans loudly in
the nextroom while he is discussing matters of state with his viziers.
Sadlythe marriage remains unconsummated because by the time J and A
havefinished removing all those layers of jewellery they are no longerhorny and
only wish to sleep. This puts the future of the Empire injeopardy. Also, there
are culture shocks that must be dealt with. Thenewlywed Jodha, wholly
unaccustomed to the brutal ways of the Mughals,watches aghast as her husband
has a traitor thrown to his death fromthe roof (cue bone-crunching sound) and
then has him thrown off againwhen the job isn’t finished. (Aishwarya’s eyes
widen: she never got tosee such gory things in the Bachchan household except
when Amar Singhand Shah Rukh came visiting at the same time.)
Anyway,after watching Akbar’s topless swashbuckling, Jodha decides that theway
to a man’s eight-pack abs is through his stomach. So she takes overthe royal
kitchen and sets about preparing a large vegetarian meal forhim with her own
hands. However, things nearly go perilously wrong whenshe misinterprets an
order for a “24-carrot salad” and slips some ofher rubies and emeralds into the
dish, causing the emperor’s courtiersto suffer from indigestion for days
afterward. In a delicate andaffecting scene, the crafty Ila Arun(playing
Akbar’s wet-nurse) enters the kitchen grounds where countlessheaps of
vegetables are scattered about, and bursts into a rendition of“Mooli ke peeche
kya hai”. This highly dramatic sequence ends withJodha falling out of favour;
however, after a timely reconciliation,our leads start making out on the floor
of the chamber (as chronicledin a lost volume of the Akbarnama) before
realising that they shouldmove to the bed
in the interests of royal decorum.
Meanwhilethe political intrigues continue apace, but thankfully they
arepunctuated by some nice quiet moments between Akbar and Jodha – likethe one
where she bends down to touch his feet and he catches hermid-dive, in the
manner of every traditional Indian husband in aBollywood film (in other words:
make sure the woman genuflects, butalso make a token gesture that will show how
modern-thinking you are).There are an equal number of scenes where the
characters simply wanderabout languorously, admiring the gardens, reclining on
bolsters,playing with rabbits and pigeons and looking a little bored, like
theywish television had been invented.
Despiteall the gloss, this is a static film, full of scenes that carry on
longpast their sell-by date. Ashutosh Gowrikar said in an interview thathis
movies are as long as the story requires them to be, but evensomeone who knows
very little about the technical aspects of filmmakingwill see that Jodhaa Akbar
could easily have been shorter andmore compact. (The number of reaction shots
alone made me think thatsome bits could have been produced almost as
competently by the Ekta Kapoor factory.)The battle scenes are indifferently put
together and it's hard to workup much interest in which general's elephant is
crushing whichfoot-soldier's head; I was immensely disappointed even by the
finalone-on-one combat, which I’d hoped would at least give the film arousing
ending. And when computer effects are pressed into service (asin the aerial
shot of discharging cannons, with one of them shootingits flaming iron ball
straight into the camera), the effect is still
flat and uninspired.
Diamonds last forever; so does this film
I was forewarned that the only reason to watch Jodhaa Akbarwas to feast one’s
eyes on the extravagant jewellery adorning thepersons of nearly every member of
the cast. After seeing it, I have toagree that the experience was rather like
four hours spent in a goldsouk that has two large and handsome posters of
Hrithik and Aishwaryaon the walls, and some soulful A R Rahman music playing
somewhere inthe background. If you love jewellery that much, good for you – if
not,you may feel that this film goes on for nearly as long as the MughalEmpire
did.
http://jaiarjun.blogspot.com/2008/02/jodhaa-akbar-notes-and-unreliable.html
