Yours sounds more like an issue of trust as opposed to one of inability. From all I've read in your above post, you've been gradually, subtly told and schooled and trained from an early age to trust nothing and noone; whether this was intentional or not is another subject altogether. The disgusting aspect lies in that this kind of nonsense ends up making you question whether you can in fact, trust your own judgment, particularly if you have always been at a disadvantage in any respect.
I was 10 years old when my O&m instructor decided she was going to deliberately drop me off by the side of a busy street in the middle or downtown area of a city I had never traveled alone, where I would then be told, "Your goal is to find JCPenney: I'll see you in awhile." I froze. "How in the world am I supposed to do that?" I replied. "I don't even have an idea where I am now, what's around me, which direction to go and what kind of landmarks I'm looking for!"
"You've been taught to ask for instructions and solicit assistance! This coupled with your orientation and mobility training is enough." and without much else, she sneaked off in the midst of all that sound, leaving me with the glaringly obvious truth that, unless I did something fast, I was going to end up standing there for at least an hour or so before she decided to give this stupid business up.
That day was a day I'll never forget, because I learned a few things of great importance. first, the fear of doing something is usually greater than the something you fear doing. Second, humanity needs trust; people, marriages, families, neighborhoods and whole societies can't function without it. From schools and other training facilities to government to immense corporations, all have shown that honesty and integrity are essential in order to survive in a world poppulated with people just like you, yet different from you in many respects given that no two persons are entirely the same.
Finally, in life, failure is entirely imminent if you do not plan to succeed, or to put it another way, if you aim at nothing, you're bound to hit it. As long as we measure success based on the amount of things we've accomplished rather than the character with which we accomplish them, our story will always be one in which we strive to do more and feel like we're always doing less because there is always someone near or around you who is doing more than you, even if you haven't met them yet. Should my success on ag net be determined by the fact that I've attained moderation duties, written a bunch of posts and banned a few offenders? Nah, because Dark's been doing it longer than I have, and on top of that he helps moderate other places as well, and he has more forum Karma than I do, and Aprone has even more than that! If I measure it based on the way I approach things, however, I find myself feeling successfull if I manage to help even just one person in a world of 7 billion plus individuals. Sound like a shot in the dark? Maybe, but it's less of a shot in the dark than you think, because at the end of the day, I was the one person out of 7 billion who actually helped.
to conclude, while you may not have the power to decide that you're going to become the next president of the united states because so many people are fighting for that spot, you do have the choice to try. Will you determine your success by whether you reach the whitehouse, or by the work you did, the people you helped, and the agendas and legacies you've helped to establish? Very few people know that I had first dibs on both sound designing and scoring the soundtrack for AHC; I say it with all modesty... I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to write a puff piece about myself as I honestly don't need or want the attention. If I determine my success based on the fact that I obviously did neither, I'm a failure. A girl I had met just a little before being asked to work on the project got sick, was down with pneumonia and needed help with her child, her x-husband had just walked out on her leaving her in a heap of financial strain, and she was still trying to pursue a college education. I left my home to help, ended up getting married, had a child, lost an apartment to a busted water pipe, lost another to an organization's greed, moved into an old but mostly comfortable little house, braced for Hurricane Matthew, dealt with more flooding thanks to an old washing machine and an ancient garbage disposal, had another child, had an AC unit break down owing to a lightning strike or a tornado-I'm still not sure on which, was thoroughly banged, bruised and bashed by hurricane Irma, lost $400 worth of recently purchased groceries to the resulting power outage that lasted nearly a month, lost $200 more after the fridge mysteriously quit working, and somehow managed to start a contest in which my wife and I planned on giving away only 5 copies of AHC. That 5 copies turned into 20, and people who otherwise wouldn't have had the game ended up receiving it without having to pay a thing for it. Life is strange, full of intricacies we cannot fathom, decisions we sometimes wish not to make, and pathways that allow you to meet people, people who's lives you're going to touch in delicate ways you yourself may never, ever understand or even see! One thing's for sure though; I'd not trade in my wife and kids for anything, not even the status of being the musician and sound designer to what is quickly turning into the top audiogame of the year! In some ways, I feel like I was able to help out a little more while being stretched out in the backseat; sometimes, that's how it works!
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