Re: my first flash fiction in english
Greetings. Well done as your first short story in English! I'm no way a professional guy but here are a few things that I came across while reading your short story. The dialogs should be wrapped around double quotes, like so.
"You are in hell and you’ll be here for the rest of your miserable existence," said the man. Sounds better.
And at this sentence:
I was hearing some noise in the distance, It could have been traffic or something else, I didn’t really care at that moment.
Usually when you are feeling something you intentionally try to sense it. But at this sentence, it's better to write it as:
I could hear/herd some noise in the distance, It could have been traffic or something else, I didn’t really care at that moment.
Hence the protagonist slowly regains their conscience, they wouldn't usually intent to feel something.
There are some verbs that you might inadvertently wrote wrong, like this sentence:
He seemed so scared that he didn’t even notice me at first. It should be noticed, since you are telling the story in simple past form.
Or like this one:
He quickly grabs it and starts to speak.
There are a few other typos, like you used (of) instead of (off), and so on. Like this sentence:
The power of the explosion throws me of my feet and I landed heavily on my belly loosing the man’s weapon in the process.
Over all it's good, however the events take place rather quickly one after the other. But
I like the fiction, and certainly it'd become much better.
At this point I recommend you to read more English novels and check out www.chooseyourstory.com. The creative corner is a place to post your stories and there are professional users that would be happy to help you out.
Best Regards
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