Re: Funniest moments of your life
I seem to remember a bunch of these sorts on r/askreddit or r/tifu. I'll go ahead and post some below because events in my life just aren't nearly this good, or maybe they're confined to the darkest regions of the mind to only surface when I'm looking for reasons to be pissed at myself.
***Note*** a lot of the stuff seen below is NSFW and contains rather rough language. Go ahead to the next post if easily offended. Anyway...
Ok I actually got a little carried away... This post has grown to be pretty huge. Seriously, reddit is such a goldmine.
Stupidtest things I've ever done (aside from the classic got married, had children, etc etc)
A couple years ago I was trying to make a phone call on my smart phone. I dialed the number, held it to my ear and didn't hear anything. So, I dialed again, held it to me ear and didn't hear anything. At this point I was frustrated. I had full service, I was in an area that I've never had a dropped call. So, I shut off my phone screen, opened it back up and dialed again. Once again, nothing. At this point I'm pissed. So for a 4th time, I dial the number. As im looking at my phone, raging mad that my technology is failing me, I suddenly realize I'm using the calculator app.
When I was 7, me and my dad had an argument about something petty and I stormed off to my room pretty upset. Later on, after my Dad had gone to work, some people knocked on my door asking for the keys to the family car to "do maintenance on". I was still pretty upset and didn't know any better, so I gave the keys away.
My sister forgot her phone once when she left for work. So I called her to inform her and wondered why she wasn't picking up. I've never felt so stupid.
I texted my friend in a panic one morning because I couldn't find my phone when I was heading out and thought I'd dropped it somewhere last night when we were out drinking.
He texted back "..."
Guy through an electronic cigarette out the window, never to be seen again.
When I was about 8, I was walking out of school, I picked up some pink fairy floss (cotton candy) off the ground and put it in my mouth. It was insulation.
Funniest things ever said in public:
There actually seems to be a thing for theater comity, dumb stuff people do while watching movies anyway.
When I watched the first paranormal at a midnight showing, these 2 guys were arguing for a good portion of the movie. Basically it was this on a loop of sorts.
Guy 1: JUST FUCKIN SHOOT HIM, OMG! Guy 2: you can't shoot a ghost man!
I saw Paranormal Activity 3 in theaters and at the end when the dad opens the door to see a bunch of witches standing there, some guy in the back yelled "SHIT NIGGAAA RUNNNNN!"
I was at a theater sitting next to this dude who was obviously pretty fucked up. Gets to a really suspenseful portion of the movie, this guy stands up and yells "GANG BAAAAAAAANG" and the whole theatre collectively loses their shit.
My wife and I take our children to see Santa in Macy's NYC. We have a five year old boy and a three year old girl. We get on the elevator to go up and my son says to a twenty something girl as she gets on ... "Hey girlfriend, do you wanna see my pokemon?"
My kid and me after a large blow out I had with my Ex wife over something stupid, our two daughters heard my ex unloading on about how she hates me and how terrible I am, and I knew when she gets like that I have to walk away she would say some pretty cutting things. Anyways i am angry and I go sit on the couch in the living room with the lights off. My 4 year old walks up to me
L : Dad? No one likes you eh?
Me:Yeah I gathered... thanks.
L: Mommy doesn't Like you, I don't like you Helen(1.5yo) doesnt like you...
Me: Yeah Thanks.
L: HAHAHA I played a joke on you. I am kidding. I don't know what helen thinks.
Went to McDonald's once and headed for the bathroom. Just before I opened the door this small child busts through with his friend and he yells "I ain't washing my hands, I'm a baaad boy!"
This happened 4 years ago and I still laugh about it.
As a child, my Brother didn't like peanuts. As a treat after dinner one Sunday we had Cornettos, my brother peeled the wrapper off and then turned to my Dad and said, "Daaaaaad, can you nibble my nuts off?" My aunt wet herself laughing.
my son was little we were having a thunderstorm. He heard thunder and turned to my husband, "didja hear that giant robot daddy?"
Uncle had a tick in his ear when we went camping. my nephew pronounced tick as dick and would not stop shouting “uncle toms got a big ol dick in his ear” over and over again.
My youngest was maybe 4. We were in a store and we wandered into the home goods section. On display was a massive three foot or so round clock. In the loudest, clearest voice possible, my son starts shouting about the big cock...he’s never seen such a big cock...why is that cock so big, etc. Priceless.
My nephew used to yell out "Look at that big dumb fuck!" when he passed dump trucks when he was ~3. Definitely turned some heads.
My husband was pulled up for random breath testing. As the cop told us we were fine to go on our way, my youngest child piped up "Well that went better than last time!"
Turns out he meant last time hubby was RBTed he bitched about it because it was raining and the shoulder he was pulled up on was boggy.
I'm colorblind and my niece is really struggling to understand it. She always offers to teach me colors. As she says, "You just have to be smart." Yep, that's my problem. I'm not smart enough.
When I was little kid my mom told me I once burst out crying in the middle of a drive somewhere. She asked what was wrong and I said the TV Always said you should never drink and drive!
She was drinking 7-up. Those commercials NEVER tell kids not to drink alcohol while driving. Just don’t drink and drive. Pretty understandable for a kid to get confused.
A few years ago I had my nephew, who was about 13 at the time, and my son, then around 6, in the car with me. We were visiting grandma out of town, and I was pointing out stuff from my youth.
Me: "I used to get my hair done there, when I was young and pretty..."
13 (being a tool, but clearly joking): "you were never pretty."
6 (indignant at this insult to his mother): "you don't say that, she was too! It was just a long time ago, I saw pictures!"
Thanks, buddy.
So my almost 4 year old has a speech delay, and she pronounces horse as “whore” and she has a my little pony toy that she takes everywhere. Anyway, she dropped it in Walmart one time and I didn’t notice and was walking away (she was in the cart) and she yells “MOMMY MY WHORE! Get my whore!!” Oh god I laughed so fucking hard, as did a lot of people around me. Obviously had some nasty looks, but whatever. She thinks she says horse.
We’re working on it.
My cousin was a toddler, didn't have much of a vocabulary and was easily excited by everything construction related (thanks to Bob the Builder).
We were on the sidewalk when this guy is driving by slowly. My cousin starts yelling at the top of his lungs "Dumb fuck! Dumb fuck! Dumb fuck!". Over and over while laughing and pointing right at him.
I presume the guy driving the dump truck was confused.
My 18 month old daughter, my wife, and I went to the beach about a month ago.
We are teaching her manners so when she wants something she needs to follow the formula, "(thing I want) please!"
We're teaching her to tell us when she wants to go to the beach, but it's sounding more like bitch. We're trying to correct her but it's not getting through.
She gets frustrated with us, and goes up to my mother in law who asks her if she wants a treat of some sort and she just says, "Bitch, please."
I once heard my son (Who'd just watched the old star wars series) ask my grandfather (British WW2 vet) what side he fought on in "The war" and my grandfather responded with "The Empire"
My kid cried for days because he thought his great grandfather fought for the galactic empire.
When my daughter was a almost two, she learned the word "juice," and it became her favorite word. She didn't always nail the pronunciation, but she was damn proud of herself every time she said it.
One Sunday, after church, I was holding her on my hip having a conversation with the pastor (whom everyone in my family and half the church didn't like at all). So my kid, wide-eyed and excited to show off her new word, pointed at the pastor and said "juice!" Only, it came out "douche!
I swear, I nearly died trying not to laugh out loud right there. That's the day my 20 month old became my hero.
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