Re: My worst encounter with crazy people [cross post from Reddit]
So....I figured I'd post this here....mostly since it's still making me laugh a week later. For reference, Wales is a weird place. Feel free to read this one out. in a video Bonus points if you can nail the accents.
Cast: Me: Me, resident dragon petter and great Khal
F1: Friend one, my Dothraki companion and keeper of sharp pointy things
F2: Friend 2, the blood of Old Valeria
EM: Larger than the Mountain. Dumber than Theon Grayjoy.
NK: Poor, innocent girl of about 16 or 17. Legal in Westeros, and Wales.
Waiter: The bringer of goblets of things and plates of delicious food. Or bowls of delicious eats prepared by the servants.
Owner: The owner of the fine establishment.
Police #1 and #2: The local guardians of peace and order
...yeah, there's a theme here, you know?
So, I went out to grab a bite to eat with my friend, F1. Now, I have a jacket that's patterned to look like armor (Chainmail with dragon scales), and a t-shirt with a certain woman and dragon on it. Come on, the dragons are awesome. My jacket has a certain group of canids on it, too.....so, F1 and I sat down and ordered.
Now, F1 got me into cosplaying as a Khal, you know, armor, hair, all that. Unwritten rule of the three of us. Don't break character. F2 learned this from family that were/are in the pro wrestling business, and she taught us about keeping character and it's an unwritten rule/challenge that the first one to break character has to do a forfeit of some sort........so I had a jacket made for myself,. Not the one I was wearing at that point, really, but I had a prop sword on it, a rounded off one that's not sharp at all. Complete with sheath, too...
So, we sit down, and I ordered, then F1 ordered too. Enter F2, in full on North armor. Yes. Full. North. Armor.
So, F2 settles down with us, orders, I forgot what F1 and 2 ordered, but....we were just talking, waiting on our food and stuff. F2 put on her jacket to cover up her armor. Full on North jacket, too.
Enter EM and NK. They sit down at the next table. I don't think anything of it, though EM's a Karen, haircut, shades, she's wel built, by that I mean large,and she has no shades n...but she is a very, very well built woman. In the 'a whale learned to walk on land' way
So we're talking, saying what F2 should do, when....
F2: Yeah but....you're forgetting it's cold
Me: So? Curl up with a pup then
F2: I'm not getting stupid enough to try that one
F1: no, come with us. It's warm where we are
Me: It is. and I won't let anyone hurt you
F2: Hmm...but.....
F1: But nothing
EM's not paying any attention, but NK, about 16-17 or so, has noticed my jacket, it's somewhere between chain mail and dragon scales.
NK: Nice jacket
Me: Thanks
F1: You had to kil a dragon to make that
F2: You're wearing it to honor your first dragon egg aren't you?
Me: Mhmmm
NK: Cool, can I have one?
Me: Sorry, I paid somebody to make me this
NK: Aw okay
Me: But, since you're nice *scribbles down the info and hands it to NK*
EM fiiiiiiiiiinally joins the discussion
EM: What are you doing?
Me: Oh, I was explaining about my jacket
EM: Give my daughter your jacket
Me: I'm not going to do that
EM: You are.
Me: No. This jacket means a lot to me *motions to F1*
F1: Listen, that jacket means a lot, now go away
F2: Don't make me stand up
F2 is, forr reference, same height and build as Sansa, though darker skin and longer hair which is the wrong color, but was in full armor under her jacket.
Me: Trust me, you don't want that
Everyone in the cafe's watching us
Waiter: Is something wrong?
Me: No, I was just telling this woman why my jacket isn't being given to her
Prepare for epic, epic stupid.....
NK: Is your name Drogon?
Me: No. His name is on the jacket?
EM: Who the F is Drogon?
Me: A great Khal of the Dothraki
Random customer: How the F do you not know who Drogon is you stupid woman?
At this point, I wanted to do something, but....it all played out in a way that had F1, F2 and I laughing for days afterward
F1: I think you'd better leave
F2: Now
Waiter: Ma'am you're causing trouble
F2: Am not
Waiter: Not you, her *giving Karen a pointed look*
NK: I want a jacket like yours
EM: You heard. Give her your jacket
Now, F1 and 2 know if I slide my jacket off a certain way....it means there's gonna be trouble. I slid it off that way but still kept it close enough to grab with one hand
EM: See that wasn't so hard...what are you wearing?
Me: It's.....clothing? I'm not walking around naked after all
F1: Much as some of us would like that
Me: Shh!
F2: *waggles eyebrows at me*
NK: Can you tell me who made your t-shirt?
Me: Sure I'll write it down
Me: There *written down where I had my t-shirt made*
EM: Is that who i think it is?
Me: The Mother of Dragons, yes
EM: You're wearing something with a murderer on it? You're teaching my daughter it's okay to kill innocents?
Me: Oh believe me, I would do the same with certain people
EM: I'm calling the pol...
Me: *motions to F1 and 2 and draw my (prop) sword*
F1draws his Arak and F2 draws her sword and slides her jacket off
Waiter: If there's going to be a murder in here do it quietly.
That last one was a running joke in the cafe since the owner lets us do our cosplay/LARP as long as....1 We got no actual weapons, hence the prop stuff. 2. We don't actually hurt anyone, if we let others join we teach them in an in character way and 3. We've got a system for sparring, pull our strikes. To be fair we spar in a back room.k
Me: I can't promise that. She may squeal like a Lannister...never mind, there's young here. She may squeal like a hog on a roast
F1: I was going to say skewer her
F2: no. that's a waste of a skewer and an insult to animals
Me: Indeed. Now. Go
EM: I'm calling the police!
Me; You can either leave now, woman, or we crowd you out the door
EM: I'm not leaving
Me: I am OP of House Targaryen and I insist you leave this establishment.
F1: I am F1 of the Dothraki and I will either let you leave, or make you leave
F2: I am F2 of House Stark and you will leave this place of business.
Me: But your daughter can stay, she is perfectly behaved
NK *catches on and curtsies* lady Stark!
Yes, we'd somehow accidentally got the nice kid into our thing. whoops....or not
NK: Mom, just leave. I'll deal with this
EM: No!
Owner:: *comes out of the kitchen and looks at us with a raised eyebrow* What....?
Me: This large woman won't leave your place of business. She insulted me
EM: He's supporting a killer!
Me: You better leave
What happened next was.....all over in a few moments. EM went to steal my jacket, so I put my sword between Em and the jacket, and caught her knuckles. She naturally screams assault. I warn her to be quiet. EM refuses and again goes for my jacket with her other hand, I catch her knuckles with my sword and push her hand back, and keep pushing it back. She then takes a swing at me. That's it. F1 and 2 come to join in. I block her swing with my arm, and nod to F2 to deal with her. Mostly since if I hit her, really hit her hard with the prop sword.......I'll get in trouble from the land whale
Waiter gets between us and I raise my sword to tell the others to hold up. They do. Waiter is arguing with EM:
Waiter: You need to leave, you assaulted a customer after trying to steal a jacket
EM: No they assaulted me
EM: I want them arrested!
Me: No, we did nothing wrong
Em: You have swords and whatevr *that* is (meaning the Arak)
Me: That, is a traditional Dothraki weapon
F1: *is showing off with it sitting back at the table*
F2: You need to leave
An idea strikes me
Me: Do you have a bell
Now, if you think you know where this is going......
Owner: *looks lost* Uh...I can get one, why?
F1: Oh you'll see. If she's going to leave, then....
Me: Oh she'll leave....
F2: Well, either leave or be herded out the door.
Waiter catches on. "So she'll walk out and be ashamed?
Me: Yes *with a slow nod*
Waiter: Okay
Me: *motions to F1 and F2* Food
So we sit down and eat. Somehow, the EM's been allowed to stay, (for now), somethiing something threatening to sue something something paying customer something food something. So we're eating, and I got my jacket back on, but still got a hold of my sword in one hand. No problem. I ordered soup, eating it with my other hand was interesting.
Conversation was like this:
EM: Why are you slurping your soup (note: Pet peeve of mine too, but was trying to be quiet)
Me: Because...it's soup?
F1: Just drink from the bowl
Me: I have standards!
F2: Hardly
Me: I do have standards!
EM: You're all animals and insane
F2 gets to her feet. Insane is a trigger word for her, so we set our food down and both stand up, we adore each other and we'll defend to the hilt
EM: No sane person comes in here armed and....
F2: *draws her sword and is ready to kil* You said what?
Me: F2, come here
Me: *sheaths my sword and pulls F2 into a fierce hug....after hinting to sheath her sword*
F1: *goes over to EM's table and just....stands there*
EM: I want these three removed. They're harrassing me
Me: You were the one to pick fights with us. I would say lady but that means you got a certain class. I'd say pig but that's an insult to pigs everywhere
Owner: Are you okay?
F2:I think so
Me: She'll be okay
EM: Leave
At this point, sirens are heard. Cops got called by...NK
Police #1: What's going on?
Owner explains
Police #2: *looking at our stuff* A targaryen, a Dothraki and a Stark walk into a cafe?
Me: Yes. Yes
I know what you're thinking, we'll have to break character to explain to the guards. Nope. F1 found an amazing way to keep character and explain things, so while that was going on.....
EM tries to swipe my jacket off my shoulders this time. Police #22 sees it, and F2, still hugging me, starts bending EM's fingers back to get her to let go. EM screams assault. Police #2 doesn't do anything since in his view, self defense.
Once things were explained to Police #1 and #2 was gearing up to cuff the EM.....
NK had stayed quiet through this, but she was wanting to join in with us.....and she had an absolute gem of a comeback
EM: I want these three arrested!
Police #2: You tried to steal his jacket
Me: You did and you got your fingers bent back to get you to let go
EM: You're carrying weapons
Police #1: They're allowed to. They are legal
Me: Indeed, these are legal
For reference, since I *know* somebody's going to ask, the swords F2 and I had on were actual metal, prop swords with rounded edges. Think practise swords, but made less painful. They (I believe) have something inside them to make blows not hurt and they are not sharp at all, but if you didn't know that you'd think they were real swords. Same for F1's Arak. Helps to have friends who work with metal to make all this stuff for us, and work with clothing. See, I work with horses in my day job, so I just got to know metalworkers and tailors through that...
Back to the convo:
Police #2: If you don't calm down I wil have to arrest you for being disorderly in public
Me: Please do, she has been nothing but ill tempered since she came in.
NK: I'll stay here. My father's at work. Unlike you *glaring at EM* he actually knows how to be nice to people, and doesn't resemble a meteorite that is looking for a place to land, or a whale desperately looking for water, or the perfect advert for weight loss surgery.
Me: *nods to the officers*
F2: About that bell....
Police #1:I'm not going to do anything to any of you, have a wonderful day
Me: I will
EM: What? Aren't you going to arrest them or something Don't you know how to do your jobs? I pay your wages!
Police #1: They've done nothing wrong.
EM: They have! Are you too stupid to notice it
Police #2: I've heard enough. *gives the standard UK arrest spiel*
EM won't quit screaming she'll hav their jobs for this, how she's sooooo important, et cetera
Police #2: Let's go
Police #1: If there's anything else you need
Me: We'll talk with you
F1: *grabs the bell* I think we should give her a fitting retreat
F1, F2, me and NK: Shame, shame, Shame, Shame, *as EM's being escorted out*
We got to stay and got free food. Turns out NK and EM hate each other. EM's Canadian and adopted (hence her use of Mom earlier), and wanted out of that house. The kicker, she moved in with F2, who adopted her a few months later. And NK's joined us in our LARP activities, she's, yes, a Stark.
TL:DR: EM is an idiot with three GOT LARPers, gets to take walk of shame in handcuffs. Nice kid gets a better mom outta the deal.mother out of it.
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