Re: Brain or mind, let them shine: a challenge of creativity
Alright then, I'm gonna go with those who don't mind public comments first. If any of the rest of you have different opinion of where I should comment, feel free to tell me. Those who want private comment, I'll pm you instead.
@Jayd:
I have to admit, your scene is deep and sad within its own. Your atempt to bring imagery in to combine with emotions is far beyond good. You have quite a potential to be a great writer.
This is the hard one for me to look for something off in it, since the whole thing is well emotionalized, well described. It even gives reader further speculation of what the character actually did that brought him to that final point. To say it is something without flaws is more than correct. However, there are things that may enhance the details of the scene itself. These are not necessary at all. It's just there to make stuff a bit clearer for readers:
Does the end of his life have something to do with Sharine? Is he away from Charine because he has to be far from her, or are they separated by any other means? (This is very much unnecessary if you want to leave it for readers to speculate). What does wenberries have to do with his final moment, his art and his relationship with Charine? How is blue related to red? (This blue and red thing really, really makes my imagination spin, like there's something hidden behind it).
So far, you're awesome at creating a whole scene out of it. Heck, you can even write a shortstory or even a novel out of this scene alone.
@Ironcross32:
I remember you saying a while back that you believe in the energy, the existece and the depth of what contains in the multiverses, far beyond the universe. Your writing proves that believe. Besides the otherworldly feeling it gives, it's tied to your inner self, what you have and are ready to let lose. Impressive is little for me to describe those two...no, three scenes, in your entire writing.
I admit though, it took me a bit to discover how you tied "drawing" to the form of art at the near end of the story. It's impressive too that you came up with the whole ancestor thing and even have a language for it. You changed the perspective, the narration of "him" to "I" in an interesting way, which makes your writing unique and deep There are billions of speculations and questions in it. However, because of that too that makes something unclear.
At first, he was dying. Then he became...no, in what form exactly was he? Would it be a form of energy he used to show, or in this case, draw, "us" that recollection? Is he part of the domain? What exactly does he have to do with it? Why were "we" there in the first place. It sounds to me like "we" were waiting for him to die, and then "we" would take him to "our" domain. But then further reading gives me questions. It wasn't that. Then what was it?
These aren't only questions for the writer himself, but questions for readers as well, provided you see something hidden in this story and have your own way to connect it. It's deep, very deep, and there seems to be a lot of hidden meanings and unrevealed details in it. Ironcross, you are absolutely good at bringing out emotions without having to tie it much to physical details.
There's still one more person I haven't yet commented. I'm waiting for your answer whether I should comment here or privately to you. And for those who wish to join in this brain stimulation, feel free. It's still up as long as you guys keep submiting. And don't worry about not getting comments. You will, for certain.
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