Re: For what to live?
As for why the human race exists, I actually believe in the ancient astronauts theory and the many things that seem to prove it pretty solidly, although they are being denied or discarded by many mainstream scientists. Just look up the theory or the series called Ancient Aliens if you are interested.
As for why the universe, the nature, other species even exist, I have to say I have no idea that I could stick to firmly. There is a theory, although I can't remember who wrote it or first came up with it, that the only truly universal law is for all things to keep increasing their efficiency at entropy, or proceeding towards entropy. However, for that to happen, if the universe wants to keep increasing entropy and not just remain stuck at a single point forever, there has to be ever more life and growth. Basically, if you want to keep getting ever better at destroying ever more things ever more quickly and ever more permanently, you have to keep generating ever more and ever more advanced things at an even greater rate. However, I'm not even sure if I'm entirely convinced about that, although it does seem to make sense.
As for why I personally live, I wish I knew. I haven't found a solid reason to live or a solid purpose yet that I could keep justifying for longer than a couple days, weeks or months at the longest. I've done many things, most of which had excellent results. I've encountered many different people, activities, places and experiences. Even trying to have fun, go out with people, read, make music, write, program, or just hang out, kill time and maybe drink something or whatever, gets old pretty quickly. Being alive just because I was born, with nothing to truly follow and strive for for so long, is really deprivating. I've had many occasions when I had to muster all the will I could to prevent myself from committing suicide. I knew the people closest to me would be shattered by me doing that, it's too difficult to gather the courage to do that, and there is also the reason of what if I am going to be able to find a purpose some day? That'd be a thing to truly be sorry about.
I don't think I'm like a deprived sociopath or something, though. I am capable of love, close stable relationships, I do have them, and I can truly enjoy the moment and feel the joy if the circumstances are right. There are people, animals and things I really love. It would be much easier if I could say I actually live for them, if I knew I'd be capable of sacrificing my life for them if it came to that, but I can't. I don't even think I'm pitying myself, either. I'm just openly stating the way I feel, without any emotions. When I write about this, it feels as calm to me as writing say about a mathematical problem would. This has nothing to do with my blindness, either. There are many things I deeply enjoy doing and consider valuable. I'm blind, so what? There are even some things sighted people couldn't experience.
It's just that the majority of my days, I really find it annoying and saddening that I have to exist, being a sentient entity. For what?
Edit: I have several jobs and other duties that I have to fulfill. Some of them I do because I enjoy doing that, others because I have to and there would be sanctions, if only in the form of receiving less money, if I didn't. Yet, I can't claim that this is my purpose, this is what I live for, this is worth being here for. To me, it's all just forms of spending time that I have to spend here because someone literally threw me into this world out of their body.
Lukas
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