Re: I need to rant at you about your behavior in mainstream communities
ok here is the honest truth, all layed out. My dad is great. He loves me a lot. And he wants to help me. But he doesn't know how to help me, and he doesn't even know how to help himself. Not only can he not manage 1 house, but he just bought another one. Originally I wanted to just go to community college in my city and not worry about employment. Not a bad decision. I would be doing something wise with my time. Yes mental health would still suck, but I wouldn't have to worry about anything. And I could ask my state counselor for living skills. But with the pandemic and other things, I ditched this plan.
I had decided I had had enough with my dad not knowing how to help, and not being able to help because he can't take care of his own shit.
Yes dad you can feed me at any time and take me to a place at any time. That's great, I appreciate that. But when you aren't here which is often, I don't have anything to eat, or if we do, I can't make it.
Another problem with him though, is he is hypocritical and double standard as fuck. Like we're talking, one day he says something, then the next he says something completely different. If I try to be independent, I never know if he will support it or guilt trip me by saying I stay at home and do nothing and I don't spend time with him. Problem is, he is gone most of the time, so I kind of can't spend time. And if I ask to spend time, which isn't often because I suck at that, he delays it and by that day it doesn't happen. Sometimes he says it isn't my fault that I can't spend time with hi, and other times he scolds me for it, or at least it feels that way.
But the thing that bothers me the absolute most is when he constantly says, I do things because I love you. That statement in itself isn't bad. it's true. He loves me a lot. But because of me not being able to drive or not knowing how to cook, I don't have an option but for him to do it for me. Unless I take ride share or go out to eat somewhere. Without going on a side tangent, I am able to without problem, but he will try to say that I don't trust him if I don't tell him where I went.
Back to the I do things because I love you thing. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. It's one thing to love your kid and be there for them. But it's another to provide for a blind kid who has no hope and no desire and no direction, and pass that off as love every 3 tasks or so. He doesn't knwo the difference between love and support is. The really confusing thing is, he knows what support is, but he still tries to pass it off as love. And I'm forced to say I love you back, like 30 times a day.
I'm fortunate to have a dad that will do things for me if I need it, but I'm fucked not having a dad that actually helps me. Doing things for me, isn't help. Again he doesn't know what help is.
So after ditching my good and safe plan, I decided to byte off more than I can chew, and that's where I'm at. Moving half way across the country, trying to arrive with employment already in place. I realize this is pretty extreme. But it's better than sitting at home wanting to kill myself. FInding employment is already extrmeley hard, but finding one before you move to that location, and getting accepted under these condtions, is even harder. On top of that, we are in a pandemic. So let's add that. There is so much shit to this, and no. I am probably not ready to handle all of itt as you can already tell from my hopelessness. But hey I can try right? Yes I'm an idiot. You don't have to say it. I'm a huge idiot for trying to do something like this. But whatever.
I love my dad a lot, but I can't live with him, and it's either sink or swim. If I do end up moving, I am going to needsupport for living and financial skills.
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