[aus-soaring] Flying Jokes

[Peter Stephenson]

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.    (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320.)  "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."    It only takes two things to fly: airspeed and money.    The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws  up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.    It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.    The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine  usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.    A copilot is a knot head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.    Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.    If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.    I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.    Basic Flying Rules:  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.  2. Do not go near the edges of it.  3. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of  ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.    Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."    ***And a personal favourite:  New FAA motto: "We're not happy, till you're not happy.