HSE discusses his forthcoming duel with JBD

[Peter T Davies]

Planchet: "This, em, duel with Major Doutron, is it wise, mon capitaine?" HSE: "Wise, Planchet? Wise?! Of course it’s not wise! This is a matter of honour and regimental rivalry - it has nothing to do with wisdom!" Planchet: "So Major Doutron was the officer who let the Spaniards escape?" HSE: "Of course not, Planchet, and if you read my correspondence carefully, you will notice that I never actually said he was. Of course, if he’s guilty and foolish enough to jump to unwarranted conclusions, that’s his problem, not mine." Planchet: "So who was the offending Major?" HSE: "I’ve no idea, Planchet. I couldn’t read the writing. In fact, I’m not at all sure the incident ever took place. Perhaps my impetuousness got the better of me, but the safety and security of France was my prime concern." Planchet: "Then how did you receive the report, sir?" HSE: "That’s the strange thing, Planchet. It was pushed in a plain envelope beneath my tent flap one night. And now you come to mention it, isn’t this the same colour note paper that the ALC exclusively use?" Planchet: "You mean that it might have all been part of a scheming ALC plot against the GMDM, and you personally, sir?" HSE: "Who knows, Planchet? That may be so." Planchet: "Perhaps they fear you, sir." HSE (laughingly): "Well, thank you for the compliment, Planchet, but I sincerely doubt it! They are probably laughing right now at the report - in fact, I would be grateful if anyone told me they had found the report funny!" Planchet: "The final line was, indeed sir, mildly amusing." HSE: "You seem to be the only one who thought so, Planchet. Well, never mind that now. If only the ALC would expend more of their energies against the real enemies of France." Planchet: "As the Major pointed out, captain, the ALC do seem to have achieved some impressive victories during the last month." HSE: "Statistics, Planchet! Statistics can be made to say anything. When you look more closely, we see the real truth. Those troops defeated by the ALC were only small, ragtag, motley groups made up of disaffected men forced into military service. Their supplies were exhausted, and they had no stomach for a fight. Any of France’s regiments could have defeated them. Now, when one compares those units with the hardened forces with whom the GMDM had to contend, there is no comparison!" Planchet: "That hardly seems fair, sir. Perhaps military command has made some error of judgement." HSE: "Certainly not, Planchet! I agree that it may appear that way at first, but not when one carefully considers the situation. Obviously, the GMDM would have swept aside those foes faced by the ALC last month, and in a far more impressive manner. But, and here’s the rub, what chance would the ALC have stood against those crack troops the GMDM repulsed? Why, no chance at all, and France would be in even greater peril. It is of course a tragedy that Major Travaux and Colonel Pas de Problem had to die, but better that than the whole of the ALC (I suppose). I always said two GDM Dragoons were worth a regiment of ALC men!" Planchet: "I see, now, sir. Thank you for explaining this to me." HSE: "Yes, it was a work of military genius! Perhaps I should correspond with the senior commanding officer to congratulate him? But no, he might think me some rash sycophant, and besides, I have written so much this month, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find supplies for further missives." Planchet: "To return to the matter at hand, sir, and the forthcoming duel with the major ..." HSE: "Do you know anything about this Doutron fellow, Planchet? He is a major after all, albeit in the ALC. That corresponds to subaltern in the GDMD, does it not?" Planchet: "I am uncertain, sir. The rank of private somehow springs to mind." HSE: "I wonder how he got that rank? Maybe he’s from an affluent background, and bought his way into some senior rank? But no, such wealth would have ensured an education, and his letters do not suggest an educated man. We must be gracious, Planchet, and give the man his due. By all accounts, he is an excellent swordsman." Planchet: "I understand that is so, mon capitaine, and that is why I fear for you. Do you have a second?" HSE: "I can spare a few more minutes, Planchet." Planchet: "That isn’t exactly what I meant, sir. I meant a second for the duel." HSE: "Oh, I see what you mean. No, not at the moment, Planchet. Being new to Paris, and regimental life, and duels and all such stuff, I am a little unsure about whom to approach. Perhaps word of the duel will get about, and some gracious compatriot will willingly offer his services?" Planchet: "And the terms of the duel, captain." HSE: "I’m not sure, Planchet. Aren’t these things normally to first or second blood? It seems a shame that one of us should die, and so rob France of another fighting man to stand against our accursed enemies. And the shame would be even greater if that man was me, Planchet!" Planchet: "You think it unlikely that you will win, then, sir?" HSE: "Frankly, and just between ourselves, I do, Planchet. But as I mentioned earlier, this is a matter of honour. One cannot simply ignore such an aggressive overreaction to a simple mistake. And it is only by going through such ordeals that one can improve oneself. Who knows? Perhaps this time next year, I shall be besting the major at swordplay." Planchet: "So, no regrets, sir?" HSE: "Perhaps one, Planchet. Much as I love the GDMD, there have been times during the last few hours when I have wished it was an artillery division rather than a cavalry regiment." Planchet: "Why is that, sir?" HSE: "Well, in the case of these regimental duels, I rather like to imagine a scenario that might improve my chances against Major Doutron somewhat. I picture myself facing him, as he stands there with his regimental sabre, while I face him with ... Planchet: "Yes, sir?" HSE: " ... A cannon!"