To: The Gentlemen of Paris
From: Guillaume Grosscanard
Gentlemen,
I believe that it is the court of public opinion that will decide whether I have
sufficient cause to challenge Mylcandonai to settle our differences on the field of
honour.
I would therefore like to lay before you the reasons I feel aggrieved enough to seek
bloody redress. In the main, I object to his accusations that I am:
1) a coward
2) a peasant
3) a traitor in the pay of the Spanish.
I feel even more aggrieved that these accusations should come from a gutless shadow of
a man who prefers the law to the sword.
I have heard that his reason for declining my challenge is that he bears 'weighty
responsibilities'.
My sources tell me that the average day of this arch-bureaucrat runs roughly as
follows:
08:30 Rise and request a breakfast egg boiled for exactly 2.75 minutes
08:32 Cut bread into soldiers
08:35 Line up soldiers and issue written orders for assault on the yolk
08:45 Write report on glorious victory over egg. Award self medal.
09:00 Depart for office
09:25 Enter office by back door
09:30 to 11:00 Push pencil
11:00 to 12:00 Shuffle paper
12:00 Depart for lunch at local hostelry
13:00 Congratulate self on glorious defeat of veal chop. Award self medal
14:00 Re-enter office by back door
14:01 Don large hat
14:02 to 15:00 Admire self in mirror
15:01 to 16:00 Arrange paper clips into squadrons and declare war on stapler
17:00 War on stapler concluded by negotiated settlement. Award self medal
17:01 Depart for home
17:25 Arrive home
17:25 to 21:00 Battles fought and victories declared over a fine steak, a bottle or
two of wine, and a few sweetmeats. Medals all round.
21:05 Servants deliver written reports on day's activities
21:10 to 23:00 Chastise servants for breaches of protocol
23:01 And so to bed.
I have not included more sordid events, such as our subject relieving his tension with
a copy of the stationery supply catalogue, but I think that you will agree that
Mylcandonai could find time in his busy schedule to settle an affair of honour.
I await the verdict of your opinion.
Grosscanard
