���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->���
and
���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->���
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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What comes once a year and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Yeah
it is that time again...my buddy in Arkansas...Keli...you may have seen her
name
pop up here occasionally...adds another year today...you know how it is not
polite to ask a lady's age right? Well ... I have to respect that ... but
suffice to
say...she ain't no spring chicken anymore! ;)
Purehumour is taking a break next week...no issues will be published Tues, Wed
or Thurs...I will try to get an issue out on Friday...but no promises. We
are doing
some heavy renovations to our store this weekend...lets hope it all comes
together
okay!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Cathy, SunAmy, Barbara, Rubin,
D.A. Funk,
Marina, Colorado Kid, Carol.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Jokes</a>
���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
Lets start with a quickie:
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
You call them up and tell them you can't come...
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Uses for bags...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.666 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.666
Booger Board...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.682 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.682
���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------���
Today's issue is brought to you by:
EVERY TICKET IS A WINNER in the ultimate practical
joke! Scratch 'n' Win lottery tickets for your friends (or
enemies)...watch their faces as they scratch and reveal
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
An old farmer named Paul had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back,
fixed up nice; big grill next to picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As Paul came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He coughed and made
the women aware of his presence. They all went to
the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"
To which Paul replied, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond
naked. I only came to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth
and skill
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���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------���
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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���----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------���
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1942 Johnny Rivers singer (Secret Agent Man)
1943 Joni Mitchell Alberta Canada, singer (Clouds)
1943 Judith Frost British Columbia
1944 Jim Watkins Philadelphia PA, actor (Jerry-Magician)
1944 Joe Niekro baseball knuckler (NY Yankees)
1949 Judy Tenuda comedienne (Spotlight Cafe)
1951 Nick Guilder singer (Hot Child in the City)
1957 Dr Jonathan Palmer formula-1 racer
1957 Kathy McMillan long jumper (1976 Olympics silver)
196- Keli Hellinghausen (Princess of Arkansas)
1961 Mintcho Pachov Bulgaria, 67.5kg weightlifter (Olympic-bronze-1980)
1963 Todd McKee actor (Ted-Santa Barbara, Bold & Beautiful)
1964 Dana Plato Maywood CA, actress (Kimberly-Diff'rent Strokes)
1964 Liam O'Maonlai rocker (Hothouse Flowers-Don't Go)
1972 Christopher Daniel Barnes actor (Ross-Day by Day, As World Turns)
1972 Clive B. Barnes Portland Me, actor (Scott Hayden-Starman)
.....and on this day in history:
1951 Constitution of Jordan passed
1955 Supreme Court of Baltimore bans segregation in public recreational areas
1962 Glenn Hall set NHL record of 503 consecutive games as goalie
1962 Richard Nixon quits politics-You won't have Nixon to kick around
1963 1st black AL MVP-Elston Howard, NY Yankees
1964 NL keeps Braves in Milwaukee in 1965, can move to Atlanta in 1966
1966 Lunar Orbiter 2 launched by US
1967 Carl B Stokes elected 1st black mayor of a major city-Cleveland, Ohio
1967 LBJ signs a bill establishing Corporation for Public Broadcasting
1967 Richard G Hatcher elected mayor of Gary Indiana
1969 John & Yoko release their 2nd album "Wedding Album" in UK
1970 Race riots in Daytona Beach Florida
1972 President Nixon (R) re-elected defeating George McGovern (D)
1973 NJ becomes 1st state to allow girls into the little league
1976 "Gone With the Wind" televised
1982 Liz Taylor's 7th divorce (John Warner)
1983 Ali Haji-Sheikh kicks his 2nd NY Giant record 56 yard field goal
1983 Bomb explodes in US Capitol, causing heavy damage but no injuries
1984 STS 51-A launch scrubbed because of high shear winds
1985 Colombian troops end 27-hr siege of Bogota's Palace of Justice
1988 MLB all stars beat Japan 16-8 (Game 3 of 7)
1988 Sugar Ray Leonard KO's Donnie LaLonde
1989 Douglas Wilder elected 1st US black governor (D-Va)
1989 NYC elects its 1st black mayor (Dinkins) & female comp (Holtzman)
1991 Magic Johnson announces he has HIV virus & retires from Lakers
�2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Sam and Anni were walking home from school one day. As
they walked along, they walked past a field where a large powerful stallion
was mounting a much smaller, dainty mare. The big fellow proceeded to thrust
vigorously into his equine companion, who seemed to be showing obvious
compliance, even enjoyment.
Anni was totally fascinated and was mesmerised by the
stallion's huge, thrusting member. "Ooh! What are they doing, Sam?" she
asked .
Young Sam, being a man of the world for all his 12 years,
knew what they were doing but was too embarrassed to say it straight out, so
he said, "Well, Anni, he's sort of scaring her."
Anni said, "Ooh." But she could not take her eyes off the huge
sweating stallion and she found watching him was making her feel all gooey
inside. They walked a little further, and Anni suddenly turned to Sam
said, "Hey, Sam I want you to scare me."
Sam hesitated only briefly. "What the Hell," he thought to
himself. So they knelt in the long grass in the field and Sam gave Anni
one hell of a "scaring", just like the stallion would have.
Sam had hardly knelt back from her, when Anni said, "OOh
Sam! Come on now, quick, scare me again, " Well, Sam took a deep breath
and manfully soldiered on, giving Anni a much longer and more thorough
"scaring" this time. Sam finished finally and fell back on the grass
sweating profusely, his youthful manhood now looking somewhat the worse for
its torrid encounter. After but a few moments, Anni cooed, OOOOH Sam, I
just LOVE being frightened! Quick! Scare me again!"
By this time Sam, was hot, tired and completely shagged out,
and just could not raise another bone. But, never one to be caught out, he
leaped up at Anni and yelled, "BOO!"
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���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------���
I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.
-Booker T. Washington
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
How To Make A Kid Cry
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Lloyd Bridges The Early Years
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the
internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed
grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to
reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him,
and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when
he died.
If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most,
the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused,
looked me in the eye and said, . . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big
hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."
���------------------------TOON TIME--------------------------------���
Nasty very nasty...
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long.
What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you
smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two
every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only
raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the
diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have
sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex
for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this
way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like
an eternity!"
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���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------���
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
John meets Bill at the bar after his day at divorce
court.
"Did the judge split everything fairly when he granted
your wife a divorce?" asked Bill.
John replies, "Sort of. She got to keep the house,
the car, the boat, the furniture and the cat. I got
to keep everything I was wearing."
���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------���
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them
get elected
���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------���
In the past, games similar to modern field hockey were played in many parts
of the world. Modern field hockey, however, evolved in the British Isles early
in the 19th century. Which of these did NOT contribute to the game?
A. Hurley
B. Shinty
C. Bandy
D. Hopscotch
<Answers in Next Issue!>
03/11
Last Issue's Answers:
Where does the U.S. state Montana get its name?
D. Spanish word for mountainous
� Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Dead End
<a href=" http://ezinesetc.com/oct13.htm ">Click</a>
http://ezinesetc.com/oct13.htm
Handicapped Parking
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks17.html ">Click</a>
http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks17.html
���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------���
<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>
[A Classic!]
A man and a woman are driving in the car
when they see a wounded skunk on the side
of the road. They stop, the woman gets out,
picks it up and brings it back into the car.
She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."
<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
���---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------���
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
November 7th 2001:
<a href=" http://escribe.com/humor/pj/m746.html ">Click</a>
http://escribe.com/humor/pj/m746.html
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------���
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and
heavy. "Slow down, baby." she said. "Foreplay is an art." "You better
get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my
paint!"
���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------���
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���--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------���
I am late.
I've got my coffee in one hand (it's too hot to put
between my legs, and that lawsuit has already been
done.) I've got my cell phone in the other.
I'm steering with my knees, when I realize to my
constipation�er, consternation�that I am in a dangerous
situation.
I have forgotten to fasten my seat belt.
So I try to balance the cell phone on my shoulder, while
trying to keep my coffee upright, as I pull the strap
across my body. Do not try this at home. (Or in your
car.) I am a trained professional. Unfortunately, I
am not a professional stunt driver.
I'm sorry about the accident, officer. I was only trying
to buckle my seat belt.
Talk about your modern irony.
� 2002 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like.
In Virginia you have signs saying "Deer Crossing".
At Yellowstone you have signs saying "Bear Crossing".
In Africa you have signs saying "Elephant Crossing".
And in Washington DC, you have signs saying "Double Crossing".
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���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Little Johnny came home from school one day
and walked into the kitchen. His grandma
asked him, "Johnny , what did you learn in
school today?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, we learned about
penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse,
and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Johnny, hard.
He ran up to his room, crying. Little Johnny's
mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you
go and hit Johnny!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he
learned in school today. He started talking
about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Little Johnny's mother said, "Ma! That's what
they learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Johnny,
so she went upstairs to apologize. When she
opened his bedroom door she found him on
his bed masturbating. Without a blink, she
said, "Johnny, when you're finished with your
homework, come downstairs and talk to me."
���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
Sex Is Only Dirty If
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Why Santa Was Late Delivering The Presents
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���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------���
A doll maker who was taken to court by toy giant
Mattel after selling kinky versions of Barbie
has won a preliminary ruling
British-based Susanne Pitt was prosecuted in New
York for sale of a 'dungeon doll' made with the
head of 'Superstar Barbie'.
Mattel said it infringed its copyright. But Judge
Laura Taylor Swain ruled in favour of the S&M doll
because she found it wasn't "a market substitute
for Barbie dolls."
"To the court's knowledge, there is no Mattel line
of S&M Barbie," the judge said.
Pitt, who defended herself, offered the dungeon doll
for sale on a Web site, which she closed down after
Mattel launched its action last year.
She allegedly attached big breasted doll bodies of
her own making to the head of Superstar Barbie and
publicised the doll in a sexually explicit story
on the Web site.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@;paulsfunhouse.com ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Joe was not a very romantic person, and
furthermore he was rather stupid. But he
wanted to impress his wife, so he took her
out for an anniversary dinner and watched
the couples around them, following their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man
lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup
and said, "Sugar, sugar?"
Joe thought this was great and continued to
listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following.
A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for
his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared
longingly into his young wife's eyes and
said, "Ham, pig?"
���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------���
[||||] B E A R N E C E S S I T I E S [||||]
The granddaughters of Winnie the Pooh authors A.A. Milne and E.H.
Shepard have evoked copyright law to block the MouseFac from marketing
the ursine fuzzster. (LAT/11/5)
While the case drags through the courts, the Disters will skirt the
controversy by renaming their character Winnie the Shoplifter.
Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------���
Anni and Keli were out driving in a large car, neither
one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red but they went on through.
Anni, who was in the passenger seat thought to herself,
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light!"
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection,
the light was red, and again they went right through. This
time, Anni was almost sure that the light had been red, but
was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through it.
Anni turned to Keli and said, "KELI! Did you know we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Keli turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?"
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���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------���
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���---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------���
A suspected thief, weighed down with more than 50
pounds of stolen cameras and CDs, among other items,
drowned as he attempted to evade police by swimming
across the Arkansas River, officials said.
The man, identified as Edward McBride, 37, was
carrying a duffel bag weighing 50 pounds that contained
stolen items and was found Friday with stolen goods
also stuffed in his pockets, said Tulsa police spokesman
Lucky Lamons.
He was being pursued by Tulsa police who suspected him
of robbing a Tulsa home when he jumped into the muddy
Arkansas River.
"He got about 40 yards out and yelled for help," Lamons
said. "The officers took off their shirts, shoes and
belts off and jumped into the river. By the time they
reached him, he had gone under."
Lamons said rescue workers retrieved McBride's body about
an hour later from about 8 feet to 10 feet of water along
with the duffel bag containing stolen goods.
���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------���
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill!"
���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------���
Incidents And Accidents
by Kim Burke
The Circle Goes Round
Kate stood alone in the kitchen making a cold drink so she could then settle
into her favorite chair to read and relax.
Lately, Kate's life had been quite hectic with work, kids and home. It
seemed every time she turned around there was a problem to solve, a deadline
to meet or an event to attend.
Kate needed to unwind and finally found a moment to herself. Fifteen
minutes ago her husband loaded up the kids in the car to go to the grocery
store to pick up some items.
By the time Kate put ice in a glass and filled it with juice, the phone
rang. It took Kate fifteen minutes to direct her boss to a specific file,
which was needed for a client.
As Kate hung up the phone, the washing machine stopped. Kate ventured into
the laundry room and lifted the lid of the washer. When she went to pick up
some of the clothes to put into the dryer, something was terribly wrong.
Apparently every article of clothing was twisted and hung up in her bra and
her bra was wrapped around the middle part of the washing machine.
Twenty minutes later the clothes were finally unraveled and spinning quietly
in the dryer.
At this point, Kate was getting a bit frustrated. As she made her way back
into the kitchen, she found the drink to be watered down so she opted for a
cold canned cola.
However, Buster, her four-footed Golden Lab, came up to her to let Kate know
in his own special 'dog' way that he needed to go out.
Sighing heavily, Kate grabbed the leash off of the hook in the kitchen
pantry and took Buster outside to visit Mother Nature.
Fifteen minutes later they both went back into the house. Kate gave Buster
a bone and sent him to the back porch area to play with his toys.
As Kate popped opened the canned cola, took a drink and began the short
journey from the kitchen to her favorite chair to relax and lose herself in
a book, her husband and two children blasted into the house.
"Look what we got for you to cook tonight, Mommy," exclaimed Kate's youngest
with glee.
Kate's family didn't know why Kate burst into tears as she ran into the
bedroom and threw herself onto the bed.
Kate's husband wondered if it were hormones or if he had done something
wrong.
Kate's children wondered if she had watched 'Steel Magnolias' again or if
they had done something wrong.
Kate wondered what was wrong with the world and why God couldn't understand
that she just needed a little peace and quiet.
And God wondered why everyone dumped grief on him when it clearly stated,
years and years ago, on the seventh day�God rested.
--
The author and creator of Incidents & Accidents: the column, the book (to
be published in August 2002) and the website is Kim Burke - because life's
too short for ordinary idiots! If you enjoy humor, prizes and a great
community to involve yourself in, there is no gas required to travel to:
www.incidentsandaccidents.com. Kim resides with her husband, Richard and
daughter, Christy in Arkansas. On a mountain. Sometimes barefoot! Email
Kim at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:editorial@;paulsfunhouse.com ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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