Good reading for laughing!
Flo/Florence/Yoke
SHSC take note of the recipe from Neiman-Marcus. The one you sent me was from
???
Subject: FW: Special Thanks
Date: Fri, 5 Dec 2008 15:46:01 +0000
Dear Friends----
I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper
towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon
peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings becau se I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answ ered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I' m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda
in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath
my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
20beautician...
Don't forget that your toothbrush needs to be kept in a separate room (or at
least 6 feet away from the toilet) to protect you from getting germs from 'the
flush'!!!
Have a wonderful day...
________________________________
T
________________________________
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