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Chew on them slowly , they are quite amusing.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike
and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list..
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
! If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit
salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell
you why it i! sn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On
my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish..
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't
need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency,
notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America ?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man
is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive
twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish
they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great
white shark or if a piece of seaweed touch! es my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get
away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of
tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually
uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the
target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination
whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you
are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more
than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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