The Final Word about Self-Esteem
L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.
[image: The Final Word about Self-Esteem]
I have never written an article on "the final word about" anything. Nothing.
Zip. Nada. But now I am boldly daring to write one. I know it is audacious.
I know that it is perhaps an act of rash boldness, but I will let you be the
judge of that when all is said and done. Now about this strange and illusive
state of self-esteem, about this highly desired prize and this poorly
misunderstood subject, I think I can write *the last word about it.* At
least that's my hope. Not my expectation, just my hope. So, if you're game
for the ride, here we go.
Demystifying the Confusions of Self-Esteem
First we're going to have to do some major demystifying of the term itself.
And they are major. For starters, most people confuse self-*esteem* with
self-confidence. If they don't make that mistake, they make another one.
They confuse self-*esteem* with feeling good about oneself or feeling a
sense of dignity from the recommendations and approval of others. Yet none
of these descriptions refer to self-*esteem*.
The key, of course, is the verb *esteem*. To *esteem* something is to make
an appraisal. It refers to the value that we attribute to something or
someone. That's what a house appraiser, a diamond appraiser, and an antique
appraiser does. So *esteem* when applied to the self refers to our sense of
personal worth and value. Okay, let's start there. So, what are you worth?
What is the worth of a human being? And does your human worth go up and down
like the Dow Jones Stock Exchange? Do you need to check in with the
self-market at the end of each day to see how you did and if your worth went
up or if it was deflated throughout the day?
Now if you are going to answer the question, "What is the value of a human
being?" you have to apply some kind of scale it to, some standard, and some
criteria. So what is your standard? How should we make the evaluation about
the value or worth of a human being? Let's see...culturally there's all
kinds of criteria that we could use. We could use looks, brains,
accomplishments, strengths, money, brand name clothes, fashion, book smarts,
quickness, gift of gab, friendliness, popularity, being in the know, and on
it goes.
So what do you think? Do you want to use any of these criteria for judging
and evaluating the worth and value of yourself, others, or human beings in
general? If you do, then* the value of a human being will be conditional*.
And this is what most people do. They evaluate themselves and others based
on achievements, money, age, looks, strength, etc. Of course, *any
conditions* that you use to make your appraisal on, puts you on a treadmill—
a treadmill of conditionality so that people do not have value and worth per
se, but only when they meet certain conditions.
There is an alternative. Instead of making our evaluations of worth based on
temporal conditions, conditions that come and go that change, that do not
last, and that can be taken away from us, we could make the evaluation of
human worth as *unconditional*. We could make a declaration that people
already have value; value and dignity, and operate from that appraisal.
Why not? Why not start from *unconditional value* and worth so that your *
person* as a human being does not have a floating index of worth, but that
the worth is a given, built-in, and therefore secured?
Now I'm speaking of you as a person, as a *human being*. And that's
different from you as a performer, a doer, an achiever, and of you in terms
of all of the various factors and facets of your life: looks, energy,
health, career, money, age, etc. All of these things are conditional and you
can evaluate how you are doing in any of those domains by whatever standard
you like to use and when you do, you have another facet of you. You have
your *confidence* in yourself in these areas. You have your *self-confidence
* in making money, making friends, solving problems, getting along with
neighbours, impressing people with your knowledge, with your looks, with
your sexuality, and a thousand other things. That's self-confidence, not
self-*esteem*.
So here's the first demystification. Self-*esteem* is about you as a *person
* and self-confidence is about what you can or cannot do. It is about you as
a human doing, not a human being. It is conditional. Whereas
self-*esteem*works best as unconditional.
Second Demystification
Only you can self-esteem yourself. That's why it is *self*-esteem. It is not
*other*-esteem. That's others liking, valuing, appreciating, and approving
of us. And while we all like that, we have also seen and heard of numerous
movie stars, millionaires, and others who "had it all"—had all of the fame
and prosperity and recognition a person could want (other-*esteem*), but
because they did not apply to self and engage in self-*esteem*, they ended
it all with suicide.
So, only you can *esteem* yourself. And given that it is an appraisal that
you make in your mind, you can esteem yourself and give yourself high
self-esteem at *any moment that you so choose*. You don't have to wait for
anything. In fact, there's nothing to wait for. It is a declaration. It is a
decision.
If you want a healthy sense of self, you start here. You distinguish between
your decision and declaration that you are worthy, that you are a somebody,
that you were born a human being and waiting for the feelings of worth,
value, and dignity to catch up. They will, but they typically take some
time. In the meantime, celebrate yourself as having worth and value. Refuse
and refuse stubbornly to ever put yourself on the line and go back to
conditional self-regard.
In the meantime, begin updating all of your mental maps about your concepts
of *self*. Map that you are a Somebody already and don't have to prove a
thing. Create a mental belief that your whole life now is to be lived an
expression of your Somebody-ness.
Doing these things takes your self-esteem off the line so that it cannot be
taken away from you or even up for question. It is unquestionable now. It is
simple. When you don't do that then you will be tempted to personalise
things, feel like a nobody, and feel that you have to prove yourself in
order to have the right to live and even to be. Stop that nonsense. It's
un-sane and it will drive you insane. It will only make you reactive,
defensive, and thin-skinned.
Every day practice refreshing your mental map that you are a valuable
Person, and that as a living sacred self, you are innately valuable,
worthwhile, and have dignity as a member of the human race.
Say to yourself:
"I am a Somebody already."
"I have nothing to prove and everything to experience."
Repeat these words until you believe them and send them as commands to your
nervous system (see "The Magical Nature of Beliefs" on
www.neurosemantics.com).
Doing that will free you to be and to become, to explore and to enjoy the
offerings of life. Paradoxically, it will move you so that you get beyond
yourself and so that you transcend your ego. Then you'll find that life is
bigger than you and you get to play in the experience that we call life.
With that self-esteeming in place, you will then be able to explore your
potential; you can open up in a responsive way to love, to learning, and to
developing. You can be more caring and loving in relationships,
non-defensive about mistakes and vulnerability, and more creative with your
skills and passions. When the ego is not on the line, you will have nothing
to prove.
Now the matter with Self-Confidence
Self-confidence differs from self-*esteem* in that it is not about yourself
as a person, but what you can *do*—your abilities, skills, and achievements.
Unlike self-esteem which is unconditional and a given; self-confidence is
completely conditional. You have to develop skills and earn the right to say
that you have confidence that you can do something.
You earn self-confidence through using your gifts and by becoming competent
in what you can do and achieve. If you ever claim self-confidence about
something in which you are actually unskilled and incompetent, you only fool
yourself. It may feel good, but your confidence is mistaken. It is false.
Accurate self-confidence is based upon your *faith in* ("con" and "fideo"
faith) yourself, faith that you can pull something off and accomplish it.
Of course we all have strengths and weaknesses. We have aptitudes and
predispositions in which we can more easily excel and those in which we do
not. Playing to our strengths enables us to find those areas and tasks at
which we have a natural disposition and can become highly skilled and
contribute the most. This is a key secret of success in life.
So What about Ego-Strength?
The word ego simply refers to *self*. That's all. It means and is translated
from Greek as "I" or "me". In itself, the word ego is neutral and carries no
positive or negative connotations. So ego-strength is the strength and
energy you have within yourself—in your mind, emotions, body, relationships,
skills, etc. that allows you to face reality as it is and deal with it in an
effective way. Without ego-strength you cave in, give up, or go into
fight/flight responses of defensiveness.
In this we develop ego-strength as part of the process of growing up and
developing. We call this healthy ego-development. That's because we were
born without an ego. Then, as our sense of self developed as we grew up, we
began to develop a certain strength in our ability to face reality. At first
our ego was very fragile. We had no ego-strength. This takes time to
develop. A fragile ego leads us to easily become ego-involved in things. Our
early childish thinking made us very egocentric. This isn't a moral
description, but a description of how small our world is. It revolved
entirely around us.
There you have it!
Here is *the last word about self-esteem*. Yes, you'll have to keep
distinguishing yourself as a human being and as a *human doing*, and
depending upon your old habits of mind and emotion, you may have to do it
everyday for a month or more. Yet if you do, as you correct your self-talk
about your "worth" and begin to sacrilise yourself as an inherently and
unconditionally valuable human being who has nothing to prove and everything
to experience—you will incorporate and embody the feeling of dignity so that
you feel it in every cell and neuro-pathway and it will be your basic
orientation in the world.
Do that and you will win the inner game of self-esteem, then the outer game
of living with dignity, worth, and personal value will be a cinch. The outer
game of feeling like an innately valuable human being is won in the inner
game. Here's to your best inner game!
Author
* L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.* is a cognitive-behavioural psychologist who became
a modeller of human excellence, expertise, and self-actualization using the
NLP and Neuro-Semantic models. He created the field of Neuro-Semantics with
the development of the Meta-States Model and is currently the executive
director of the International Society of Neuro-Semantics. See* Winning the
Inner Game *and *Unleashed: A Guide to Your Ultimate Self-Actualization* for
more about self-esteem.
--
Salam Street Smart NLP!
Teddi Prasetya Yuliawan
Indonesia NLP Society <http://idnlpsociety.wordpress.com>
