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Posted on Thu, May. 29, 2003
Bill of Rights `unconstitutional' Court squelches the founding fathers' open invitation to anarchy DIANE STINGLEY Special to The Observer
In a 9-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled today in the case of United States of America vs. the Dixie Chicks that the Bill of Rights is unconstitutional. Writing for the majority, Justice Rehnquist made it clear that the court wasn't completely opposed to freedom of speech, religion, assembly, etc., but that the Bill of Rights as written was simply too vague and could, therefore, be used in the wrong way by people opposed to our democratic way of life.
"We have to always keep in mind," the decision goes on to say, "there was no al-Qaida in 1776. King George was no Saddam Hussein. We have bigger fish to fry than the founding fathers could have ever imagined. If people can assemble whenever they want, and say whatever they want, and then the press is free to report whatever those people said when they assembled, without any guidelines or restrictions, that's just an open invitation to anarchy and terrorism."
The minority decision was not presented.
President Bush was quick to praise the court's decision. "For too long the people of this country have been held hostage by the Bill of Rights as if they were written in stone or something. Well, as far as I know, the only `rights' ever written in stone were done so by a guy called Moses. And if we'd just all follow those 10 little rights, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today. But since we are in the mess we're in today, I'm going to use whatever means it takes to get us out of that mess. And thanks to the courageous decision of the Supreme Court, I now have the ability to do so."
The president also said that the court's decision couldn't have come at a better time. "Our troops were pretty demoralized when they found out the Dixie Chicks didn't support the war. Even after our decisive victory, I know it was still kind of eating away at them. But today, our brave men and gals have the comfort of knowing the Supreme Court drew a line in the sand and said enough is enough. No longer can big shot celebrities and other troublemakers use the excuse of the Bill of Rights to say whatever they feel like. And I for one say it's about time."
The Supreme Court's decision now makes it possible for the president to submit to Congress his new bill: the Privileges of Freedom Act, which clarifies once and for all, in no uncertain terms, the rights and privileges of being an American citizen. The president will spend the weekend at his ranch putting the finishing touches on his legislation and baling hay.
While exact details about the legislation aren't known, sources close to the White House say the president knows what he wants, has a lot of hay to bale, and it shouldn't take more than a couple of hours to get it all down on paper.
The latest polls show the president has overwhelming support from the American public on this issue. While over 90 percent of those polled had heard of the Bill of Rights, only 5 percent actually knew what it contained. When they were read the Bill of Rights, 45 percent of those polled said it sounded like something Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon would come up with, 23 percent believed it was a hoax invented by the liberal media, and 79 percent fully endorsed the idea of President Bush making the Bill of Rights less radical and more American.
In addition, every newspaper in the United States has written an editorial praising the wisdom of the Supreme Court's decision.
The New York Times is urging Congress to not only pass the Privileges of Freedom Act, but to fully embrace the new democracy and abolish the two-term limit for presidents. This would free the American people to elect George W. Bush as many times as necessary to get the country fully back on the right track.
Congress could receive the Privileges of Freedom Act as early as next week. Sen. Ted Kennedy says he expects the bill will pass unanimously and in record time, as he and other Democrats have finally seen the error of their ways and for once in their lives are going to work for the good of the president and the country.
The Dixie Chicks could not be reached for comment, as their whereabouts remain unknown.
Observer community columnist Diane Stingley of Statesville is a writer and part-time waitress. Her first novel will be published by Simon and Schuster in December. She writes satire for The Observer, P.O. Box 30308, Charlotte, NC 28230-0308. Write her by e-mail at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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