> -----Original Message----- > From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On > Behalf Of hkhenson > Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2008 2:55 PM > To: [email protected] > Subject: Re: Asbergers (Was Gates) > > At 12:00 PM 6/24/2008, Jon Louis Mann wrote: > > >my ex-wife has aspergers and fit in well at sf cons, where > >inappropriate behavior is often either tolerated, or ignored. the > >problem is that she is raising our son the same way her mother > >raised her, without any boundries. > > Turns out parents have a lot less influence on kids than their > playmates. You might want to read _The Nurture Assumption_ by Judith > Rich Harris. Within the rather sharp limits she describes there are > things parents can do, you might be able to do. >
I read that, and found holes large enough to drive a tank through. It's true that, once kids have a peer group, that group becomes much more influential on their behavior outside the home than the parents. But, she doesn't even address the obvious question: how does a kid end up in a particular peer group? If it is, and does not involve things about the kids that exist outside of and before the joining of a particular peer group, than moving should totally shuffle the deck. But, we know it doesn't. It is true that, if you haven't done effective parenting before the kid is old enough to get into real big trouble than the deck is staked against you. But, parents have tremendous influence in the "bag of tools" they give their kids to handle life's problems. I remember a significant problem with self esteem that caused Beth to pick the wrong peer group and allow them to pressure her into doing some rather stupid things (like stop up our toilet with a pine cone) when she was young. But, we worked hard and gently on that problem, and she is now a very self assured adult, who seemed to have been known by everyone at college and is genuinely liked. It took years to convince her that she didn't need other peoples approval to be OK, and that other people actually would respect her for that view. Once she got it, she dumped the kids who were mistreating her although they were her "friends" and hung out with a much better group of kids. Now, she has tremendous people skills. There is an innate EQ, I don't deny that. However, there are still things that can be taught. My wife has taught me to read body language. I can walk into a room and read it fairly easily. But, I worked hard to acquire that skill set. Parents can give similar skill sets to their kids by talking about this when the time is right (if you have the skill set, you usually know when the right time is). We still screw up (at least I do), but we can help a lot. So, in conclusion, the Nurture Assumption made a tacit assumption...and it was false. Dan M. _______________________________________________ http://www.mccmedia.com/mailman/listinfo/brin-l
