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The Art Of Intimacy
A Newsletter For Searching Singles
September 2004
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The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and
intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.
Anais Nin
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In This Issue:
Welcome
Quote of the Month
Featured Article: Summer Love - Moving On When It's Over
Frequently Asked Questions
End Notes
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1. WELCOME
Labor Day has come and gone, and here we are, past the official "end of the summer".
It is hard to believe that the season is really over since we still have a number of
warm and (somewhat) long days ahead of us. Yet, most of us have at least begun
contemplating the need to wrap up the things of summer and put them away for the cold
months ahead. Hopefully, your recreation "toys" got some good use and will be wrapped
in the memories of the fun times you had with them.
As the fall begins, we say good-bye to the most carefree time of the year. This season
that offers us lots of opportunity for new experiences and meeting new people is also
the time for which many songs about lost love are written. So, in honor of that
classic tradition of finding and (sometimes) saying good-bye to a summer love; this
month's article will focus on how to move on when summer ends and love departs. If
this has been your experience, you are not alone. Many have been there before you and
have gone on to find a love that takes them through the years.
If you need real help to recover from a break-up, consider coaching. We have a great
deal of experience in guiding people through the healing process and supporting them
in moving on from broken relationships that have kept them stuck in the grieving
process. Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/help.htm for details on how Consum-mate can
help you. We also offer eclasses that provide help with meeting, dating and effective
relationship communication. These can be found at:
http://www.consum-mate.com/eclasses.htm
If you are looking for articles that offer a lot of free dating and relationship
advice, you can find these on:
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm Whatever you relationship needs, we can help
you to fulfill them at Consum-mate.
A big thanks to all of you for subscribing to this newsletter. Consider forwarding it
to a single friend or loved one who may be in need of some relationship building help
and advice.
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2. QUOTE OF THE MONTH
Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons; but when all is said and done, they have
one thing in common: They're shooting stars - a spectacular moment of light in the
heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they are gone.
Unknown
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3. FEATURED ARTICLE: Summer Love- Moving On When It's Over
The days are shorter and cooler. A tune begins to play on the radio. You can feel your
heart tighten. What used to be just a background melody has become your song, and you
are left wondering how and why something so wonderful had to end so fast? The feelings
of sadness are almost overwhelming as you reflect on the intense love affair you never
expected to find and now feel completely lost without.
What is it about summer love? How can it seem so right, yet fade so often with the
advent of fall? More importantly, how do we accept this loss while moving forward with
the routines of life and a belief that a better and stronger love will happen for us?
We should begin with an acknowledgement that relationships start in different ways,
under different circumstances; and their unique elements help to determine their
duration and the course they will take. Summertime is the season of vacations, new
adventures and the opportunity to meet and connect with people who are in a life
transition, live in far away places and/or are looking for an experience apart from
their "real" lives. Therefore, time and geography are often central to how we view a
summer romance and what our expectations, hopes and outcomes for it will be.
I received an email from a young woman shortly after Labor Day. She had just come back
from a summer of living and working at the beach. Even though she was dating someone
"back home", she found herself spending more and more time with a male co-worker. "We
felt an instant attraction", she wrote. "Before I knew it, I was getting serious, and
thought he felt the same." As summer drew to a close he made his plans to return to
school, thanking her for a great time and telling her he would never forget her. She
couldn't believe that it was over. Her question, "what do I do now?"
If you have had a similar recent experience, the following may be helpful to you.
* The first step is to appropriately acknowledge your feelings. Don't dismiss or
bottle up the sadness, loss and anger. They will not just go away, you have to own
them and give voice to them. Since it is normal to remember a lost relationship as
"perfect", take care to examine it in a realistic light. Otherwise, you could be left
with the belief that you will never find a love like this again.
* Take care not to focus on getting the relationship back. This negative obsession can
cause you to become "stuck" as you fill your thoughts and time with second-guessing,
reexamining, emailing, and phone calls that will most likely be resented and/or
ignored. When the other person clearly communicates that it's over, it is.
* Utilize the support of friends and family. Let the people who care about you offer
their support in the form of good listening and caring companionship. This positive
energy will help carry you through the first stages of grieving. If necessary, seek
professional counseling.
* Focus on yourself and your goals. If you are in transition, set achievable
objectives that keep you on track. This will help you bolster your self-esteem through
accomplishment and greater success.
* Be careful not to utilize coping mechanisms that will cause you greater harm. Common
examples include self-medication with alcohol and illegal drugs. Rushing into a new
relationship can also prove to be destructive and counter to the healing process.
Most of all, don't rush the process. In time, you will realize that no experience is
wasted. The learning and growing that you have done will offer you new tools in
building and sustaining a lasting and healthy relationship.
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4. FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. I have recently come back from a summer at the beach. I went there to live and
work and just have a great summer with friends. I was dating someone at college, but
wanted the beach experience before graduation and "real life" set in. I became
friendly with a (male) co-worker. We clicked right away and had so much fun on the job
together. Then we began sharing some of our free time, and a strong attraction became
evident for both of us. I think because it was summer, we just let ourselves go. It
was so perfect without all the responsibilities of the life I have back home. Neither
of us was looking to get involved, but things moved quickly. I was sure by August that
we both felt the same way. As we entered the last week there, he seemed to distance a
bit. He was excited about returning to school and (I think) to the woman he was
dating. I asked him about "us". He seemed surprised. He said it had been great and
that he will never forget me, but that it is time to return to r
eality. It was only then that I realized he had not developed the same feelings and
attachment to me that I had to him.
I'm devastated. I can't sleep or eat very much. I cry a lot. I feel that I have lost
the love of my life. How could I have been so wrong about his feelings? Do I try to
talk to him again? How do I get back on track with school and my real life?
A. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Very little in life hurts as much as
lost love. You are not alone in this experience and the good news is that you can
recover and go on to a better and lasting relationship.
It was summer. You (and he) were looking for fun and new experiences. You both found
exactly that. So, what's the problem? You found more than you had planned on, but he
didn't. The sad reality is that you got involved with each other with the expectation
that this was a summer thing- nothing more. However, as you found out, the heart takes
its own course.
Immerse yourself in the feelings, but set a limit on when and for how long. As bad as
they will feel, they will not harm you unless you avoid or suppress them. Surround
yourself with people who are good for you. Let them support you and you will do the
same when it is their turn to seek comfort. Stay busy in a healthy way. Focus on your
goals and/or set new and better ones. This will not only help you to take breaks from
the pain, it will move you forward in a positive direction. Be careful not to use
substances or sex to soothe the wounds. This will only leave you feeling worse about
yourself and your prospects for the future.
Lastly, give yourself the space and time you need to recover. Attempting to contact
him and risking almost certain rejection will keep you stuck and leave you believing
yourself to be unworthy and unlovable. By focusing on you in ways that are good for
you, you will come away from this experience having learned an important lesson about
what a "real' relationship is and is not. The next time you will make more careful
choices that will result in a love affair that has the right elements- right from the
start.
Good luck.
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5. END NOTES
This issue was designed to help anyone who is in recovery from a broken love
relationship. Since summer seems to be the season of intense and brief relationships,
we hope we were able to offer some timely and useful tips for healing.
If you feel the need for more intense help with your recovery from a failed
relationship, consider coaching. Contact [EMAIL PROTECTED] to find out what help she
can offer you. We have years of experience in helping people heal and move on to
happy, lasting love. Don't let the year-end without some healthy closure and
resolution. For without these, it will be difficult to find and keep that right
relationship.
________________________________________________________________________________________
CONTACT INFORMATION
Toni Coleman, LCSW
PO Box 7206
McLean, VA 22101
Consum-mate.com
Phone: 703-847-1768
E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Web: http://consum-mate.com
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
�Copyright 2002-2004, Antoinette Coleman. All rights reserved. Distribution Rights:
The above material is copyrighted, but you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever
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