BRITISH REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
America:
>
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
>
> Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix ise.
>
> 3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up vocabulary).
>
> 4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
>
> 5. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'U and the elimination of -ize.
>
> 6. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> 7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
>
> 8. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
>
> 9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> 10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
> 11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect.
>
> 12. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
>
> 13. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)--roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> 14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> 15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to
as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> 16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four
Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
>
> 17. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
> 18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.
>
> 19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
