CHRIST IN THE HOME
http://www.ewtn.com/library/FAMILY/CHRISTH1.TXT
BY RAOUL PLUS, S.J.
a Translation from the French
FREDERICK PUSTET CO., INC. Publishers NEW YORK AND
CINCINNATI
Nihil Obstat:
JOHN M. A. FEARNS, S.T.D., Censor Librorum
Imprimatur:
+FRANCIS CARDINAL SPELLMAN,
Archbishop of New York
New York, June 19, 1951
MARRIAGE
TOTAL UNION
IN "Les Vergers humains," Louis Lefebvre has this charming verse in
which the poet addresses his wife:
I speak to God most often in my verse; I speak to my own destiny; I
speak to my own son; With every living being, I converse But I speak
not to you; you are myself; we are but one.
There are other exquisite examples of such perfect union between
husband and wife realized not only in poetry but in the prose of everyday life.
See this husband and wife seated before the fireplace watching the
play of the flames.
"What are you thinking about?" queries the wife.
"And you?"
"The same thing you're thinking of."
Idyllic, some will say. And why not, just as truly, an exact description?
Then there is the example of another couple so completely in accord
at all times that the husband one day playfully petitioned his wife,
"Contradict me sometimes, so that we can be two." These two fulfilled
to the very letter the statement of the Bible, "They shall be two in
one flesh." They were one, not only in their flesh, but one in a
communion of thought and opinion. They had become so thoroughly one
that they forget to be two.
This could be an evil if it meant the weakening of one of the two
personalities to the point of absorption by the other. Some women
when first married are in such adoration before their husbands or the
husbands are so infatuated with their wives that unity is effected,
but it is a unity through suppression and narrowness. God grant,
however, that such a unanimity never be replaced by the less happy
state wherein each one clings tenaciously to self-assertion. What
should be sought is unity through mutual enrichment in mutual understanding.
In some marriages this unity becomes so complete that not even death
can break it. Such, for example, was the union between Queen Astrid
and King Leopold III, or between Mireille Dupouey and her husband, a
naval officer killed in 1915. During the seventeen years Mireille
Dupouey lived after her husband's death, she continued to write
letters to him as if he were still living, and to set a place at
table between herself and her son for her dear departed who was
forever present to her, forever one with her.
In contrast to these families where union is complete, how many there
are in which dispute rages permanently; or, if not dispute, at least
misunderstanding, constant bitterness.
It has been said and truly said that it is not easy for a man and
woman, two poor human beings, finite, limited, and possessed of
individual faults, to spend cloudless days together. "A woman must
take much upon herself, to live with a man, whoever he may be,"
writes a moralist. "A man must take much upon himself to live with a
woman even though she be most loving. How many perplexities between
them, how many veiled enmities even in their most evident caresses!
How many half-consented-to abdications on both sides!"
But live together they must. How can they achieve as perfect a
harmony as possible?
Day after day they must seek it, study, meditate, resolve and act!
THE FOUR BONDS OF CONJUGAL UNION
THE four bonds of conjugal union are the bond of consciences, the
bond of intellects, the bond of souls, and the bond of hearts.
The bond of consciences: This means that husband and wife must have
the same norms for judging between right and wrong. Is it not only
too clear that if they do not have an identical point of view in
their appreciation of God's law, a fundamental disunity will be
introduced into the very foundation of their unity? If one, for
example, holds to the principle of free love while the other
advocates the principle of unity in marriage, can there be complete
communion? Or if one is determined to abide by the demands of the
moral law in the difficult duty of procreation while the other has no
intention of abstaining from the latest practices of birth control or
from onanism, will there not be constant struggle in their home, and
that in regard to their most intimate relations? If both are not in
agreement on the question of their children's education, one will
insist on secular education, the other on Catholic education, and
again conflict will ensue.
The bond of intellect: This bond is not so essential as the first-
-it is in the realm not of strict requirement, but of the desirable.
There is much to be gained from shared reading experiences, from a
mutual exchange of artistic impressions and psychological observations.
For this, it is not necessary that the wife share her husband's work.
It is enough if she is able to be interested in his profession. Nor
is it necessary that they have the same tastes, the same outlook; a
certain diversity in mentality, on the contrary, is desirable on
condition that there are possibilities for mutual exchange of ideas
which will lead to mutual enrichment.
That evidently supposes great simplicity in both husband and wife, a
loving liberty in their communication of ideas, a very humble
recognition of any superior quality in each other, an entire good
faith which makes each one willing to yield to the ideas of the other
when they are better.
The bond of souls: It is not sufficient to enjoy an exchange of ideas
in profane matters only. It is very desirable that there be harmony
of action in the domain of the spiritual, the supernatural. . .prayer
together. . .meditation in common . . . reception of Holy Communion together.
Father Doncoeur and several others go so far as to advise making the
examination of conscience together with mutual admonition and mutual
resolves. This would surely call for extreme delicacy and could not
be so generally recommended as the suggestions given previously. But
how beautiful it is when husband and wife are as an open book to each other!
Is it good to tell each other the graces received from God, the
aspirations of the soul to become holy, to become a saint? Yes,
certainly, on condition that all be done with simplicity, with mutual
spontaneity, with nothing of constraint, exaggeration or
artificiality. Why should one hide perpetually from one's life
companion the best of oneself? Some individuals remain much too
reticent and it is a hindrance to great depths of intimacy.
The bond of hearts: How many in marriage love each other selfishly,
show themselves demanding, moody, eager to receive, but never
generous in giving. There is so much selfishness in certain families
even when they are very closely united.
The remedy is to supernaturalize the affections; to pass as quickly
as possible from passionate love to virtuous love and to make
conjugal love a permanent exercise of the theological virtue of charity.
LIFE TOGETHER IS DIFFICULT
MARRIAGE is not an easy vocation. It requires great virtue of
husbands and wives.
Personal experience reveals how true that is; those who cannot claim
this personal experience can, in any case, accept the statement of
psychologists who observe, "Marriage is the most difficult of all
human relations, because it is the most intimate and the most
constant. To live so close to another person--who in spite of
everything remains another person--to be thus drawn together, to
associate so intimately with another personality without a wound or
without any shock to one's feelings is a difficult thing."
According to an old saying, "There are two moments in life when a man
discovers that his wife is his dearest possession in the world--when
he carries her across the threshold of his home, and when he
accompanies her body to the cemetery."
But in the interval between these two moments, they must live
together, dwell together, persevere together. "To die for the woman
one loves is easier than to live with her" claim those who ought to
know. And how many women could claim similarly, "To die for the man
one loves is easier than to live with him."
They must bear with each other.
A French journalist while visiting Canada stopped for a time at
Quebec. "You have no law permitting a divorce in the case of husbands
and wives who do not understand each other?" he questioned.
"No."
"But what do those married persons do whose discontent is continual
and whose characters are in no way compatible?"
"They endure each other."
How expressive an answer! How rich in meaning! How expressive of
virtue which is perhaps heroic! They endure each other.
This is not an attempt to deny the delights of married life, but to
show that more than a little generosity is required to bear its difficulties.
In "The New Jerusalem" by Chesterton, a young girl is sought in
marriage. She opposes the proposal in view of differences in
temperament between herself and the young man. The marriage would
certainly be a risk; it would be imprudent. Michel, the suitor,
retorted to this objection in his own style:
"Imprudent! Do you mean to tell me that there are any prudent
marriages? You might just as well speak of prudent suicides . . . A
young girl never knows her husband before marrying him. Unhappy? Of
course, you will be unhappy. Who are you anyway to escape being
unhappy, just as well as the mother who brought you into the world!
Deceived? Of course you shall be deceived!"
Who proves too much, proves very little. We can, however, through the
exaggeration find the strain of truth. "Michel" is a little too
pessimistic. He makes a good counterpart to those who enter into
marriage as if in a dream. "Marriage," wisely wrote Paul Claudel--and
he gives the true idea--"is not pleasure; it is the sacrifice of
pleasure; it is the study of two souls who throughout their future,
for an end outside of themselves, shall have to be satisfied with
each other always."
<*}}}>< <http://halfthekingdom.mofuse.mobi/>Half the Kingdom!
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<*}}}>< <http://www.halfthekingdom.org/wordpress/>Half the Kingdom!
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<*}}}>< <http://www.halfthekingdom.org/>Half the Kingdom! Main Site
<*}}}>< <*}}}>< <http://www.halfthekingdom.org/by-the-by/>Half the
Kingdom! By the by <*}}}><
Lord, may everything we do begin with Your inspiration and continue
with Your help,
so that all our prayers and works may begin in You and by You be happily ended.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
<*}}}>< <http://halfthekingdom.mofuse.mobi/>Half the Kingdom!
on your Mobile <*}}}><
<*}}}>< <http://www.halfthekingdom.org/wordpress/>Half the Kingdom!
Blog <*}}}><
<*}}}>< <http://www.halfthekingdom.org/>Half the Kingdom! Main Site
<*}}}>< <*}}}>< <http://www.halfthekingdom.org/by-the-by/>Half the
Kingdom! By the by <*}}}><
Lord, may everything we do begin with Your inspiration and continue
with Your help,
so that all our prayers and works may begin in You and by You be happily ended.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
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