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C L U B T O P 5
Don't hate us because we're comical.
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October 9, 2009
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
President Obama was awarded the Nobel Prize
for Peace today, surprising damn near everyone.
But Republicans were NOT surprised --
they were appalled and flabbergasted!
The Top 25 Republican Reactions
to Obama Winning the Nobel Peace Prize
25> "Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize -- or as it's
known here at FOX News, the Carter/Gore Pathetic Whining
Liberal Award."
24> "Illegal immigrants must've voted multiple times, as usual."
23> "Nobel was a terrorist -- the guy invented dynamite, for
cryin' out loud!"
22> "There's only one explanation: ACORN is behind this!!!"
21> "Screw birth certificates -- let's check the ownership papers
of this lucky bastard's SOUL!"
20> "Our guy liberates Iraq and runs the Taliban out of
Afghanistan and receives nothing but scorn, but Mr.
Chosen One oversees two different years-long failed
armed conflicts and gets a friggin' Peace Prize?"
19> "Will he get the Nobel in medicine for proposing socialist
health care?"
18> "Sure, Nobel committee -- ignore Ann Coulter AGAIN!"
17> "REAL Americans don't give a sh*t about peace!"
16> "You can bet the mainstream media won't cover THIS scandal!
(Oops! Sorry -- just reading from the script!)"
15> "There's going to be rioting over this selection!
Get Limbaugh, Beck and Hannity on the horn."
14> "What's next? The freakin' Heisman Trophy?"
13> "Now if he would just give a speech suggesting we could
end double-digit unemployment, the extinction of the
manufacturing sector, and multi-trillion-dollar deficit
spending, they could hand him the Nobel Prize for
Economics, too!"
12> "We're really happy for you, and we're gonna let you finish,
but Ted Kennedy is having one of the most peaceful years
of all time!"
11> "Riiiight. Next you'll tell me Al Gore won an Oscar."
10> "You lie! You're sh*tting me, right? No... really?"
(Joe Wilson only)
9> "If this prize were worth a damn, the market would include it
in an AIG executive compensation package."
8> "What you'd expect from the country that thinks Abba is good
music?"
7> "Apparently, certain socialist-nazi European elitists regard
killing Grandma as 'peaceful.'"
6> "Why doesn't the blessed bastard just bet the Fed on green 00
while he's at it??"
5> "This means he's Norwegian! He can't be President!"
4> "ARRGGHH!!! Death Panel, take me away!"
3> "Finally! After years of being overlooked, Kenya gets the
recognition it so rightly deserves."
2> "Somebody call Scalia and see if he can overturn this one,
too."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Republican
Reaction to Obama Winning the Nobel Peace Prize...
1> "THIS... MEANS... WAR!"
[ Copyright 2009 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
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"Ignobel" and "Peace Poor"
The Runner Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
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Selected from 87 submissions from 28 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
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Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (6th #1)
Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 2
Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA -- 3
David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 3
David Kass, Queens, NY -- 4, 9 (Hall of Famer)
Matt Kall, Solon, OH -- 5, 22
Adela Branson, Soda Springs, ID -- 6
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 7, 17, 22, 25 (4play!/HoF)
Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 8
Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 10
Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 11, 22
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12, 19 (Hall of Famer)
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 13 (Hall of Famer)
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 14, 21, 22 (Hat trick!/HoF)
Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 14
Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 15
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 16, 24
Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 18
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 20 (Hall of Famer)
Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 23
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- Topic (Hall of Famer)
Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- Banner Tag
Chris White, Studio City, CA -- List owner/editor
Bush, London, England -- Ambience
Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am100909.shtml
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~~~~ ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Link of the Day ~~~~
The Top 10 Creepiest Commercial Mascots of All Time
Written by TopFive's own Danny Gallagher!
http://snipurl.com/creepymascots
Thanks to Dan E. Gallagher for the tip.
Send submissions to [email protected]
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--==++ Rumination of the Day ++==--
I signed up today to compete for the next crown
of "The Biggest Loser." And, hey, I learned I
might even lose some weight while I'm at it!
(Brad Simanek)
http://www.slightlyamusing.com
Send submissions to [email protected]
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--==++ News Headlines from the National Probe ++==--
Obama Operatives Forge Nobel Peace Prize Certificate
Kanye Interrupts Obama Speech: "Beyonce Is One of the Greatest
Pieces of All Time"
Joe Biden Awarded Nobel Prize for Penmanship
Opinion: I Want Me Some of Whatever the Nobel Committee is Smokin!
Ashton Kutcher Claims White House Nobel Call Was "Punk'd" Prank
Christopher Walken, Will Ferrell Awarded Mo'Bell Peace Prize
GOP Demands to Know What Issues Obama Has Systematically Opposed
and Obstructed to Deserve Nobel
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid Awarded Noballs Peace Prize
Norway Invites First Black Visitor
Snoop Dog Wins Nobizzle Prize
Send submissions to [email protected]
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--==++ Musing With Mitch ++==--
by Mitchell Kobriger
Idea! Why don't they start giving out a Nobel Pizza Prize?
It's not like any of us use physics or mathematics in our
everyday lives.
If I ever won a Nobel Prize, it'd most likely be in whittling.
Enrique from the garage tells me he turned down a Nobel once
because his mantle was already full of bowling trophies.
I almost believe him.
If there were a Nobel for "Steaming Cup of Straight Black Joe,"
Madge down at the diner would merit serious consideration.
Sorry, folks, but if you pronounce it "nucular" there is no
Nobel Prize in your future.
How can a man take the Nobels seriously when Lee Majors, my
barber, and the guy who invented Sans-a-Belt slacks have not
won a single one?
E-mail Mitch: [email protected]
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The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions
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Republican Reactions to Obama Winning the Nobel Peace Prize
RUNNERS UP list -- Ignobel
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"Big deal. He's *still* the worst black president ever."
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)
"I'm looking forward to next week, when he'll win the Pulitzer for
his presidential memoirs."
(Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)
"Mark Sanford's wife missed the nomination deadline on a
technicality."
(Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA)
"Now that we know how easy it is to win that award, let's nominate
Michele Bachmann."
(Meg Silvern, Tucson, AZ)
"Obviously the Nobel committee hates America. They should just go
live somewhere else!"
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
"Ooooh, well, la-dee-dah. I bet you think you're something
'special' with your Harvard Law degree, U.S. Presidency, and Nobel
Prize."
(Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)
"Peace prize?! Oh, no! How are we going to support our troops if
they come home??"
(Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA)
"So what? Those things are easier to get anymore than falsified
Hawaiian birth certificates!"
(L. A. Bettencourtt, Macon, GA)
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
"Those Swedes need to add a new category: 'POTENTIAL for Peace
Prize.'"
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)
"WE BELIEVE IN THE ALMIGHTY POWER OF OBA--- Whoa, what the hell
was in that Kool-Aid??"
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
"What? Did peace break out in Hawaii?"
(Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA)
"Who cares? Arafat got one of those. The Peace Prize is the 'Best
Sound Editing' of Nobels."
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
All that rain in the south? Not storms. It's what a nationwide
spit-take looks like.
(Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)
Dick Cheney FINALLY rendered speechless!
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity simultaneously shat themselves. The
rest of the Republicans will, too, once they have been told to on
talk radio.
(L. A. Bettencourtt, Macon, GA)
Runners Up list name
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
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Republican Reactions to Obama Winning the Nobel Peace Prize
HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Peace Poor
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"But it was Sarah Palin who kept us at peace with Russia!"
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)
"Does he want that with pepperoni or mushrooms?"
(Ellen Satter, Trumbull, CT)
"Everyone knows that presidential recipients need to be in office
for a full 15 days before achieving Nobel eligibility."
(David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)
"Ha! I knew it! THERE'S your quid pro quo! He let his Socialist
brother Lula DeSilva have the Olympics in exchange for his
precious Nobel Peace Prize. Denmark... Sweden... it's a straight
line! He's not even trying to hide it anymore!"
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
"If peace is such a great thing, why is there a country-wide ammo
shortage?"
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
"It just doesn't jibe with the huge troop increase he was asking
for in Afghanistan!"
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
"Just another case of 'affirmative action' run amok."
(Richard Skora, Columbus, OH)
"The Scandinavians probably just want a trade agreement with
Kenya."
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)
"They give Nobel Peace Prizes to Socialists?"
(Ellen Satter, Trumbull, CT)
"This was prophesied in the Book of Revelation, before pestilence
and same-sex marriage, but after earthquakes."
(Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL)
"What about all of Bush's Middle East peacemaking attempts?"
(Kim Moser, New York, NY)
"What do Scandinavians know about peace anyway?!?"
(Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)
"What does Obama know about peace? He never even fought in a war."
(Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA)
"Where was Kanye when we needed him?"
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
"Yeah, well, it's not an *American* award, is it?!?"
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
"You sure it's not the 'Appease Prize'?"
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
Dick Cheney shoots Michael Steele in the face for letting this
happen.
(Douglas Frank, Crosby, TX)
Tons of coffee spittle on millions of monitors and televisions.
(L. A. Bettencourtt, Macon, GA)
Honorable Mentions list name
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
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Copyright 2009 by Chris White All rights reserved.
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