Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every
Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object
which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, ``Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will be,``No,
just sensible.''
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,``No.'' and
shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not
Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to
disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as
such.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word ``mercy''; I
simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots
or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know.''
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that
make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to
have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed
with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After
that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small
and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill
me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to
my bedchamber.
33. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason
I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
attempt this.
35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
36. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason.
37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion.
38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
relief.
39. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to
come by.
42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in
the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will
be reserved for formal occasions.
44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep
the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards
me in my old age.
50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead
of keeping it in reserve.
52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
executed.
54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
to give the other guy a sporting chance.
57. I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable'' spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I
will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the price
for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
59. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the advisor.
60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him
to mature.
61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
not immediately come after me for revenge.
62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local
paper.
63. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
67. If the beautiful princess that I captures says ``I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and kill
her.
68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
attention.
70. My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owner's manual.
72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
73. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it
will not be used.
75. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
firefight.
78. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are
dead.
79. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
80. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be
a disadvantage.
81. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
Containment.
82. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
sequence will trigger the alarm system.
83. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
84. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
85. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer
is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd
better save my life again.
86. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.
87. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one
of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
88. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the answer is no.
89. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
90. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them
to win.
91. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on top of my
desk.
92. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
93. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge.
94. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
95. I will not tell my Legions of Terror ``And he must be taken alive!''
The command will be ``And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
practical.''
96. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
97. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
gets closer and closer to my fortress.
98. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to
find out what he saw.
99. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
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