> > >1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it > >buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed > >animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't > >have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a > >fleeting glimpse of yours. > > > >2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error > >messages from here. > > > >3. When an I.S. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. > >That way you won't be there when we need your password. > >It's nothing for us to remember 300 screensaver passwords. > > > >4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping > >you from getting it. We don't need to know that you > >can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. > > > >5. When I.S. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it > >at once. We're just testing. > > > >6. When an I.S. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and > >spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. > > > >7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and > >flags it as a rush delivery. > > > >8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's > >electronics in it. > > > >9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer > >support. We can fix your telephone line from here. > > > >10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call > >computer support. We're collectors. > > > >11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.S. > >person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the > >problem. We love a puzzle. > > > >12. When an I.S. person tells you that computer screens don't have > >cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. > > > >13. When an I.S. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in > >a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do > >you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. > > > >14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. > >Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. > > > >15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to > >all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to > >work. > > > >16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly > >what you mean by "my thingy blew up". > > > >17. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps. > > > >18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your > >dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse > >cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them. > > > >19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail > >upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a > >pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. > > > >20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes > >button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you > >wouldn't be doing it, would you? > > > >21. When you find an I.S. person on the phone with his bank, sit > >uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he > >hangs up. > >We don't have any money to speak of anyway. > > > >22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about > >that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our > >area of professional expertise referred to as crap. > > > >23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.S. > >support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely > >complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by > >a professional engineer with a master's degree in > >nuclear physics. > > > >24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.S. > >Support. > > > >25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.S. > >Support. We love to hack. > > > >26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary > >to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having > >to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem. > > > >28. When you receive a 30mb movie file, send it to everyone as a mail > >attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail > >server. > > > >29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller > >chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo > >into the queue. > > > >30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of > >computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: > >"Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's > >another one that cracks us up no end. > > > >31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. > >People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on. > > > >32. When you bump into an I.S. person at the grocery store on a > >Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. > > > >33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. > >Computer names are just a cosmetic feature. > > > >34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, > >leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the > >settings and drivers somewhere. > > > >35. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It > >hurts our feelings that you could even think such a > >thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of > >clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this > >would have been remotely possible. > > > >36. Keep it crashing! > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Structure your ColdFusion code with Fusebox. 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