----- Original Message -----
From: "Lyons, Larry"
> >From a friend:
> > Subject: Children's Handbook
> >
> > For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
> > For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
> > For those who have children this age - this is not funny.
> > For those who have children nearing this age -this is a warning.
> > For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.
> >
> > The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
> >
> > Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
> >
> > 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
> > house 4 inches deep.
> >
> > 2. If you spray hairspray on dust-bunnies and run over them with
> > roller blades, they can ignite.
> >
> > 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
> > restaurant.
> >
> >
> > 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
> > enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
> > Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can,
> > to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
> >
> > 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
> > using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
> > times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
> > way.
> >
> > 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
> > by a ceiling fan.
> >
> > 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already
> > too late. (No matter how old the child!)
> >
> > 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.
> >
> > 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
> > 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
> >
> > 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
> > 4-year-old.
> >
> > 11. Play-doh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
> >
> > 12. Super glue is forever.
> >
> > 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
> > can't walk on water.
> >
> > 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
> >
> > 15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
> > they do.
> >
> > 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
> >
> > 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
> >
> > 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
> >
> > 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
> > like ovens.
> >
> > 20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
> >
> > 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
> > dizzy.
> >
> > 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
> >
> > 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
> >
> > 24. The mind of a 6-year-old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
> >
> > One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
> > Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
> > first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his
> > home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the
> > wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have
> > some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked
> > the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy
> > raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy smokes! A talking
> > pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
> >
> > 25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
> > fluid.
> >
> >
>
> --
> Larry C. Lyons
> Web Analyst
> BEI Resources
> American Type Culture Collection
> email: llyons(at)atcc(dot)org
> tel: 703.365.2700.2678
> --
>
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