HURRICANE SEASON
Since we are in the peak of the hurricane season, and since we have
all just had the poop scared out of us, I offer the following:
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll
start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have homeowners insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium
roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment,
this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under
a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so.
He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these
items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should
have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these objects into deadly missiles. Your neighbors will ignore this
part, and your house will be destroyed by all manners of "pool toys",
yard good and various Madonnas they failed to secure.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look
at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Be sure to follow the advice of "professional" weathermen on TV,
because they are the experts. Try not to be too surprised when their
recommendation takes you, and three hundred thousand of your closest
friends, directly into the path of the hurricane. Be sure to have lots
of gas, beer, and above all, remember that the "hurricane path is not
carved in stone."
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless
in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (Ask
anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away from the ocean. And on the second day, the
President of these United States will come down, in an air-conditioned
helicopter, to "assess the damage" and check on the "coordination"
between his guys and his brother's guys and they'll both pat each other
on the back and then get the hell back to an air-conditioned space.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
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