from a friend of mine: > DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE > > 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died > peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the > passengers in his car." > --Author Unknown > 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you > get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: > "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." > --Author Unknown > 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a > support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they > meet at the bar." > --Drew Carey > 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's > not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into > doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, > drop them off at the wrong house." > --Jeff Foxworthy > 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball > and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the > infant's life without even considering if there is a man on > base." > --Dave Barry > 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and > we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or > girlfriend > wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. > There should be severance pay, the day before they leave > you, they should have to find you a temp." > --Bob Ettinger > 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took > her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, > 'Mom, > they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" > --Paula Poundstone > 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have > better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the > authors of that study: "Duh." > --Conan O'Brien > 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm > halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... > I could be eating a slow learner." > --Lynda Montgomery > 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of > people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime > and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's > go west.'" > --Richard Jeni > 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the > impersonators would be dead." > --Johnny Carson > 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us > geography." > --Paul Rodriguez > 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they > turned sixty and that's the law." > --Jerry Seinfeld > 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in > case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file > line > from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, > do tall people burn slower?" > --Warren Hutcherson > 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is > the same." > --Oscar Wilde > 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a > member of Congress... But I repeat myself." > --Mark Twain > 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school > student. At least they can find Afghanistan." > --A. Whitney Brown > 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog > will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! > I never would've thought of that!'" > --Dave Barry > 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow > Disease" was taken. > --Unknown, presumed deceased > > Gerry Goertzen > Director of Care Ministries > The Meeting Place > 139 Smith Street > Winnipeg, MB. R3C 1J5 > (204)942-1203 ext.16
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