The Onion? --Ben
Larry C. Lyons wrote: > this is one of the weirder pieces I've found so far. > > larry > > ---------- Forwarded message ---------- > > SATAN'S SUPERMODELS > Cover girls sell their souls to Satan, expert says! > > By MIKE FOSTER > > ENVIOUS of those flawlessly beautiful supermodels who get paid a > fortune to flaunt their fabulous figures in designer clothes? Don't be > -- many of them will wind up burning in the fires in Hell for all > eternity! > > Shockingly, many top-tier cover girls have signed a pact with the > Devil, a leading expert in the occult asserts. > > "Before they sold their souls to Satan, most of these women had faces > that would stop a clock -- you'd be stunned at what plain Janes they > were," claims Harold Iggleton, author of the upcoming book, Satan's > Supermodels: The Untold Story of Devil-Worship in the Fashion > Industry. > > 'The Evil One used his dark powers to remake these 'nobodies' from > top to bottom -- taking away their flabby guts, sagging behinds and > oversized schnozzes, while endowing them with high cheekbones, long, > shapely legs and tight, toned buns." > > The author refused to name names, saying readers will "have to buy > the book" when it hits store shelves in July to find out whether their > favorite supermodel is in league with the Devil. > > But as a tantalizing preview, he provided Weekly World News > exclusively with stunning "before" photos of the Hellbound glamour > girls. > > "One was a lonely fat girl with terrible acne everyone in junior high > called 'Pizza Face' until a Goth classmate introduced her to > Satanism," he reveals. > > "Another had an okay face, but stood a mere 5-foot-1 -- way too short > to be a professional model -- before Satan gave her a 'boost.'" > > But beauty -- and the glamorous lifestyle, fame and fortune enjoyed > by supermodels -- comes at a terrible price. > > "In return, the models must engage in unspeakable orgiastic rituals > involving human sacrifice plus date really unattractive older Satanist > priests," the researcher contends. > > "They must also corrupt the youth of the world by promoting > materialism, sexual irresponsibility and other things that Lucifer > cherishes." > > Here, from the author, are five signs that your favorite supermodel > is a tool of Satan: > > 1. Has a romantic relationship with a rock musician. "It's long been > established that rock is the Devil's music," Iggleton points out. > > 2. Bears the "Devil's Mark." Fashion editors may generously describe > a prominent mole or blemish as a "beauty mark," but witch-hunters as > far back as medieval times have recognized it as a sign that a person > has been marked by Lucifer. > > 3. Caught by paparazzi engaged in immoral conduct such as raunchy > same-sex dancing. > > 4. Never seen in public holding a Bible. > > 5. Causes happily married men to have immoral urges. "If your husband > comes out of the bathroom red-faced and clutching the swimsuit issue > of Sports Illustrated, you can be sure one of Satan's minions is > having an effect on him," Iggleton points out. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| Discover CFTicket - The leading ColdFusion Help Desk and Trouble Ticket application http://www.houseoffusion.com/banners/view.cfm?bannerid=48 Message: http://www.houseoffusion.com/lists.cfm/link=i:5:175967 Archives: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/threads.cfm/5 Subscription: http://www.houseoffusion.com/lists.cfm/link=s:5 Unsubscribe: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/unsubscribe.cfm?user=11502.10531.5 Donations & Support: http://www.houseoffusion.com/tiny.cfm/54
