Nicely written. Send it to the valve people and maybe they will combine their hl game with their millitary game.
Otherwise, If you made a weekly entry to it on a website, I bet you could get some good traffic and maybe make some payperclick. When the story is finished, turn it into a book and get rich! DRE On 9/28/06, loathe <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > Really well written man, I enjoyed the heel out of it. > > The only thing I would change at all is the unit designation. The real > parachute infantry regiments are the 505th, 325th, 504th, 501st and 173rd. > > At least those are the ones I know about. > > Oh wait, 325 is called an Airborne Infantry Regiment because they used to > have the gliders. > > > -----Original Message----- > > From: Jim Davis [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] > > Sent: Thursday, September 28, 2006 12:59 AM > > To: CF-Community > > Subject: Writing Critique Wanted - Military Views Appreciated > > > > There's a contest for an upcoming video game to write "a gritty war > > journal" > > of "one or two pages". > > > > The game is set in 1951, but no WWII occurred. Instead a mysterious > > invasion force (aliens, we think) has crept from Russia to take all of > > Europe. It's July 11th, 1951 and the American forces have hit the > Western > > shore of Britain in a massive offensive. > > > > Okay - it may be silly, but I gave it try. What do think? > > > > I'd like to be as authentic as possible without losing drama. I know > the > > whole damaged radio thing is probably a Maguffin but I wanted to force > > one-way communication. > > > > Anyways, here it is. Be gentle. > > > > Thanks in advance, > > > > Jim Davis > > > > > > > > > > [Transcribed from Radio Communication Logs.] > > [Identification logged as Private First Class Wilson Jacobs, U.S. Army, > > Company E, 217th Parachute Infantry Regiment. Current status: MIA.] > > [Multiple Responses attempted, no success.] > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 02:34] > > > > "Not sure of location... drop zone was Manchester but we started taking > > heavy fire as soon as we hit the coast. We dumped as soon as we > could. I > > think we drifted south. My best guess is someplace north of Liverpool. > > > > I won't be able to hear you. The ear-piece was blown off with most of > my > > left hand. Sniper. I think I lost my ear too. I'm not sure; I haven't > > been able to look yet. I'm not even sure if anybody's hearing me. > > > > Most of us were taken out in the air. I don't know how the bastards > could > > be so accurate. They use some weird kind of tracer round - it glows red > > and > > hums. Damn things look like orange sparklers. They got some of the > boys > > before they could even open their chutes. I don't know how they could > see > > them. > > > > If I had to guess I'd say that less than one man in 50 made it to the > > ground > > alive. > > > > I lost most of my equipment during the drop. I've still got my sidearm > > and > > my bayonet. > > > > I was one of the first ones out so I think I was at the tail end of the > > drop. I'm going to move East and try to reconnect." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 03:17] > > > > "No friendly contacts. Ran into an enemy squad. They had one of our > boys > > hung upside-down by his own chute. They were cutting on him and > throwing > > pieces to some animals they had with them. I thought they were dogs at > > first - they were about that size - but they didn't move like > dogs. There > > was no barking either. > > > > I hope he was already dead when they started. > > > > I was able to flank them without getting noticed and kept moving East. > > > > We heard all sorts of stories from the Irish refugees about demons and > men > > from Mars. They talked about burning blood and giant monsters like > > something out of 'King Kong'. > > > > Command told us that the enemy was using some new gas weapon that could > > make > > you see things. > > > > I couldn't see that clearly, and I don't think I've been gassed, but I > > swear > > those bastards didn't look human to me." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 06:48] > > > > "I'm not sure what time it is - my watch was blown apart with my hand. > > It's > > lighter; a little after dawn but still cloudy. Hazy. I think I've > moved > > about four or five miles but I still don't know where I am. > > > > Saw a fire-fight from the top of a ridge a little while ago. I think it > > was > > our boys - I recognized BAR fire. The enemy squad was small - I only > saw > > six men - and they used those weird tracer rounds again. They really > > ripped > > into our line. But those boys held their own: I saw at least three of > the > > enemy go down. > > > > They sent a pack of those dog-things at our boys - they're definitely > not > > dogs but I'll be damned if I can say more than that. Things move like > > cockroaches. A grenade got most of them before they hit the line. > > > > The enemy seems strange. They move differently... like they have too > many > > knees or something. But they're fast. Damn fast. The uniforms are > > bizarre. With feathers or spikes or something across the back - it > makes > > them look a little like movie Indians. > > > > I'm holed up in a shed - a pig pen or feed house or something - about > > two-hundred yards from a farm house. My head is starting to ache and my > > missing thumb is itching something fierce. I'm going to rest here for a > > bit > > and then try to hook up with that squad." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 14:07] > > > > "I must have fallen asleep. Or passed out. I think it's early > afternoon. > > Cloudy still. It's been quiet. I was hoping to hear more noise - that > > would have meant more of us made it to the fight. Or maybe I landed > > farther > > off the mark than I thought. > > > > I was able to use my bayonet as a mirror. I couldn't see the back but > my > > head is messed up pretty good. I could see skull showing through above > > where my ear used to be. I don't know what they hit me with but it > seemed > > to somehow seal the wound - like it's burned closed. There's not much > > blood. Lots of pain. The mother of all headaches. But only a little > > blood. > > > > At this point I may as well sit tight until nightfall. That squad I saw > > is > > probably miles off." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 20:23] > > > > "I fell asleep again - I think I might be going into shock or something. > > One of those dog-things was working at my boot when I woke up. I still > > had > > my bayonet in my hand and I slashed at it. It was softer than I thought > - > > it splattered like a bug. > > > > They're not dogs. About the same size as a poodle but nothing else like > > it. > > More like a weird squid or crab or something. I've never even heard of > > anything like it. I don't know if it was just the smell of the thing or > > the > > head wound or both but my stomach couldn't take it. I couldn't stop > > heaving > > until I got away from that thing. > > > > I can't see any other movement but there's a small light, like a candle, > > at > > the farmhouse. It's probably going to be a mistake but I'm going to > head > > down there. They told us to look for help from the natives." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 20:57] > > > > "I should have left the farmhouse alone. As I came around the corner of > > it > > I ran into two enemy soldiers. We saw each other at the same time. I > was > > able to squeeze off a few rounds and took one out before I ducked behind > > the > > chimney. I think that saved my life. Whatever they're using cuts > through > > wood like butter but the brick offered at least some protection. > > > > I heard the other one running toward me and I jumped out firing when he > > got > > close. We collided and I passed out. > > > > I woke up with him on top of me. Dead. They're heavier than they look > by > > about half. Lanky but really solid. I broke at least two ribs running > > into > > him. They stink just as badly as the crab-things. > > > > I figured if anybody else was around they would have made an appearance > by > > now so I went into the farmhouse. It was small. The embers in the > > fireplace were still glowing. > > > > I found the family in a bedroom... along with two more of the > crab-things. > > Feeding. I took them out with my last two rounds. The family - I think > > there are three of them, maybe four - had been dead for at least a few > > hours. > > > > I might have been able to do something if I had come down earlier." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 21:28] > > > > "I think I passed out again but not for long, the embers are still hot. > > The > > pain in my head is getting worse and the cracked ribs aren't helping. I > > found some brandy in the cupboard; it took the edge off. > > > > I'm going to scrounge some gear and get out of here. It's too > hot. I... > > I > > don't think I'm going to go into the bedroom again." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 22:28] > > > > "I tried to strip the enemy bodies but I couldn't figure out how in the > > dark. I grabbed up the weapons - heavier than they look as well - but > I'm > > not sure how to use them yet. They don't look like any gun I'm used to. > > I > > was able to drag one of the bodies into the farmhouse and risked > building > > up > > the fire a bit for light. I covered the windows as best I could. > > > > Maybe they did gas us, or maybe it's the head-wound making me loopy, but > > this guy just isn't human. The blood is green. It doesn't burn but > I've > > got a nasty rash and it's raising boils wherever it hit my skin. > > > > Their faces... their faces are hard to describe. Six eyes. Six. In a > > line > > across the face. The mouth is like a lizard's - something out of > > 'National > > Geographic'. Sharp teeth, big fangs. No real nose... just holes where > > one > > would be. Those feather/spike things that I thought were part of the > > uniform are part of them - like spines. They've got claws on their > hands > > and-- wait. I hear something." > > > > > > > > [11 JUL 51, 22:31] > > > > "There's a troop coming up the hill. I don't think they saw me > yet. Two > > of > > them look enormous. At least 15' tall and carrying cannons the size of > > Buicks. I've got to run. The radio's too heavy for me now and the > > battery > > won't last much longer anyway, this will be my last transmission. > > > > I'm going to circle around and try to meet up with that squad if I can. > > If > > not - I hope somebody's listening - please tell my folks that I did my > > best > > and I'm sorry I let them down." > > > > > > > > > > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| Introducing the Fusion Authority Quarterly Update. 80 pages of hard-hitting, up-to-date ColdFusion information by your peers, delivered to your door four times a year. http://www.fusionauthority.com/quarterly Archive: http://www.houseoffusion.com/groups/CF-Community/message.cfm/messageid:216330 Subscription: http://www.houseoffusion.com/groups/CF-Community/subscribe.cfm Unsubscribe: http://www.houseoffusion.com/cf_lists/unsubscribe.cfm?user=89.70.5
